How to begin blogging again after almost a year? And what a year it has been! Part of me wants to chronicle everything that happened, but another part of me longs to just be rid of 2011 and spend zero time reflecting on what was probably the hardest year of my life so far. If it wasn't for the fact that I serve an incredible God Who turns ashes into beauty, I wouldn't even try to blog! But this God that I serve, the God of all hope, deserves glory and honor for taking my trials and turning them into gold.
2011 was a year of loss and brokenness in many ways. I'm not sure I'm interested in writing all about that. I'd rather write about the restoring and rebuilding that took place after the loss. I will simply say that after miscarrying twins, realizing my marriage wasn't as stable or healthy as I hoped, experiencing deep loneliness and seclusion, financial ruin, and realizing that I was an insecure-control-freak who was gifted at enabling unhealthy people...after all that and more, I turned to the Great Healer, Great Rescuer, the One who loves me desperately. I layed at His nail-scarred feet and didn't get up. I'm still there. And its from there that I write today. Its from there that He began an incredible work of restoration. And its from there that I can truly say that He is the God of all hope.
In February we finally found the church that we had been praying to find. One that has sound doctrine, preaches the Good News, has an outward focus to reach the lost, and most importantly for us has a strong sense of community and discipleship which we desperately needed. Not surprisingly it is the church that our neighbors on either side of our house attend. I cannot even type for the tears in my eyes as I think about our neighbors and how they reached out to us in our times of crises and need...and just served, just loved, were just simply present. Someday maybe I will blog just about them and their impact on our lives. Honestly, we would not have made it without them.
As soon as we were getting established in this church, things became startlingly clear that our marriage needed attention. Again, maybe someday I will blog about that part of our life and how if hearts are humble and willing...anything is possible. God can (and will) bring His presence into any situation and turn it all around so that it is stronger, healthier, more lovely than anything imaginable.
Sometime in May I allowed the Lord to take me on a journey of repentance and healing. I had been turning to food for comfort for 8 years. And I decided enough was enough. I lost about 30 pounds in the next few months by counting calories, running and turning to Him for peace and comfort instead of my trusty bag of chips. This was a hard season, but very rewarding. One morning in July I ran 5 miles and then bought a size 8 dress. The very next morning I found out I was pregnant again - an absolute miracle and testimony to the healing and rebuilding that was happening in our marriage.
I lived in constant fear for the first 3 months of this pregnancy. While in Washington for a visit, I even experienced my first panic attack because I started bleeding and it seemed like I was having similar symptoms to the miscarriage I had suffered. I will never forget calling one of my best friends, BA, and her words to me were, "Melodi. You need hope. Not hope in this pregnancy to come to full term, but hope in Jesus." I was so convicted, yet so encouraged at the same time. I need to write about this more fully in the future too. I had a whole host of mighty women praying for me not only in Tacoma, but also in Littleton. I realized that I was no longer alone. And when we saw my doctor immediately upon returning to Colorado, heard the heartbeat for the first time, and truly knew that all would be well with this pregnancy....I knew the God of all hope had sustained me and was giving me a season of great joy. Her name will be Elizabeth Hope. But I will call her Hope.
Twice a month I get together with 4 lovely, special ladies from our church. The last time we met we started a study on the life of Mary the mother of Jesus. In reference to the angel coming and interrupting Mary's life, someone posed the question, "How do we handle interruptions?" I have been thinking about this ever since, and I have come to realize something lifechanging. The past 3 1/2 years of our lives have not just been trials and tribulations...they have actually been divine interruptions. And these interruptions have been for the purpose of bringing us closer to Christ, changing us more into His image, and to bring Him glory and honor.
My whole perspective has changed. What if our lives were drastically interrupted because that was the only way the Lord would get us to move to a new state, new church, new community...in which He could fulfill His plans in and through our lives in an incredible way?? We're not here by coincidence or because it was something we planned. We didn't go through firey trials and painful losses just beause "that's life". No way. Our lives have been divinely interrupted and we are choosing to remain positioned at His feet so that His purpose is fulfilled and His Kingdom can come into and through our lives. So....I'm ready for 2012!!
"Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Rom. 15:13
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Life Happens
While I haven't been blogging in several months, life has been happening. In fact, as I type this I can hardly read it because my son threw a Thomas train at the screen and pretty much demolished it. I have to type, then readjust the screen, then type, then readjust and hope to see something between all the wobbly lines...a perfect analogy for how my life has been the last several months.
Just before Thanksgiving we found out that I was pregnant. This was quite a shock since we were told we were unable to have children. When George came along a few years back we were floored that the Lord would give us such a miracle. And then to find out a second miracle was coming...wow. Obviously we were no longer in the category of not being able to have children!
As long as I live I will never forget how I felt for the next 2 weeks...peaceful, joyful, hopeful. And nauseated of course. But my reality crumbled fast when I started spotting and I realized this season of life may not be all that I was dreaming of. I can't bring myself to blog about the next 3 weeks of ultrasounds, tests, bed rest....the roller coaster ride that I desperately never wanted to participate in. We discovered that the twins I was carrying were not developing past 6 weeks. I was facing a miscarriage.
I couldn't seem to embrace the fact that after walking through the most challenging year of my life, I was now also going to experience something that would shatter my heart to pieces and shake the foundations of my faith. I didn't know it would cause me to examine the very fiber of my belief system, but it did. In my 36 years of living, I've never asked the kinds of questions I was asking. Questioning the character of God, His love, or His sovereignty is something I've not done before.
Its interesting to me to think of all the things I've experienced so far: being a step-mom, having a blended family schedule, being a single woman pastor, then a married woman pastor, rejection from children and other family, moving halfway across the country, poverty, stress, loneliness etc. My foundation secure, I just trusted Him to bring all things together for good, and although I had my own little coping methods (overeating), my walk with Jesus remained stable. Living through all these things and more, I didn't have many questions for God.
But I did now.
After I miscarried (which was physically, emotionally, mentally worse than I could've imagined), I took a day and just drove.
Shane was home with George and although there were several inches of snow I drove to Red Rocks. I needed a secluded and rugged place to wrestle with God.
My footprints in the snow were the only ones in sight as I hiked up until I couldn't breathe. I tucked myself into a cleft in a rock. I looked to Heaven and poured out my heart. I've never wrestled with God before like I did that day. I questioned everything, demanded answers, accused Him of things. I wept. I found myself begging Him to bring some kind of purpose out of all this pain and loss. I realized I wasn't just grieving the loss of 2 babies...I was grieving over many things. Things I don't need to blog about, but it dawned on me that I've been feeling a general sense of loss for a very long time. I stayed hidden in that rock for hours.
After I got as vulnerable and transparent with my Maker as I possibly could, I finally came to a place of complete silence. I could hear ice falling. Except for the occasional sob coming from me...there was pure silence. And it was beautiful. Although I was still grieving I was able to acknowledge that healing could begin. Once my wounds were exposed, washed and disinfected with those Gentle Hands of His, healing would come.
Over the past few months I've come to accept and embrace some facts of life.
Fact #1: Life happens. Just because I serve Jesus and follow Him doesn't mean I won't experience life. In fact, He says I will have an abundant life if I accept it from Him. Abundant life doesn't mean a fairy-tale life. My life circumstances will always ebb and flow with mountains and valleys. It is life in a broken world.
Fact #2: It was never my Creator's intent for me to experience death and pain. He is a Righteous Judge who looks at my circumstances and judges them as currency. I can take my ashes to Him as an offering, and because of what He did for me on the cross, He purchases beauty for me. My pain, brokenness, weakness, confusion and loss are just what He wants from me. He takes it all and says, "Yes, that's horrible. I hate it too." And then he gives me joy, wholeness, His strength and wisdom, His life in exchange. That's an amazing exchange rate.
Fact #3: It is my choice to either walk through my life in this world alone, or with the One who formed me and loves me. Its where the rubber meets the road. As life happens will I throw off all that weighs me down and run with endurance? (Heb. 12) As life happens will I allow Him His rightful place as the King (sovereign ruler) of my life no matter what? Am I like clay in the Potter's hand, will I stay on His wheel and trust that He's still forming me into something beautiful and useful?
My answer as I sift through some ashes and offer it up to Him again today is, "Yes. I choose life." I have a feeling it might be a daily choice for me as I wade through grief and try to picture a spring and summer of not being pregnant. But I'm OK with that. Its probably good for me.
I know this blog is rather transparent, but my hope and prayer is that through sharing my experience maybe someone can find the True Life-Giver too. I'm convinced that its part of the deal. I didn't go through all of the above for no purpose. If you find life happening around you, and its painful, and its full of questions and loss...tuck yourself into The Rock and let Him hold you up. His exchange rate is unfathomable and His love everlasting.
Just before Thanksgiving we found out that I was pregnant. This was quite a shock since we were told we were unable to have children. When George came along a few years back we were floored that the Lord would give us such a miracle. And then to find out a second miracle was coming...wow. Obviously we were no longer in the category of not being able to have children!
As long as I live I will never forget how I felt for the next 2 weeks...peaceful, joyful, hopeful. And nauseated of course. But my reality crumbled fast when I started spotting and I realized this season of life may not be all that I was dreaming of. I can't bring myself to blog about the next 3 weeks of ultrasounds, tests, bed rest....the roller coaster ride that I desperately never wanted to participate in. We discovered that the twins I was carrying were not developing past 6 weeks. I was facing a miscarriage.
I couldn't seem to embrace the fact that after walking through the most challenging year of my life, I was now also going to experience something that would shatter my heart to pieces and shake the foundations of my faith. I didn't know it would cause me to examine the very fiber of my belief system, but it did. In my 36 years of living, I've never asked the kinds of questions I was asking. Questioning the character of God, His love, or His sovereignty is something I've not done before.
Its interesting to me to think of all the things I've experienced so far: being a step-mom, having a blended family schedule, being a single woman pastor, then a married woman pastor, rejection from children and other family, moving halfway across the country, poverty, stress, loneliness etc. My foundation secure, I just trusted Him to bring all things together for good, and although I had my own little coping methods (overeating), my walk with Jesus remained stable. Living through all these things and more, I didn't have many questions for God.
But I did now.
After I miscarried (which was physically, emotionally, mentally worse than I could've imagined), I took a day and just drove.
Shane was home with George and although there were several inches of snow I drove to Red Rocks. I needed a secluded and rugged place to wrestle with God.
My footprints in the snow were the only ones in sight as I hiked up until I couldn't breathe. I tucked myself into a cleft in a rock. I looked to Heaven and poured out my heart. I've never wrestled with God before like I did that day. I questioned everything, demanded answers, accused Him of things. I wept. I found myself begging Him to bring some kind of purpose out of all this pain and loss. I realized I wasn't just grieving the loss of 2 babies...I was grieving over many things. Things I don't need to blog about, but it dawned on me that I've been feeling a general sense of loss for a very long time. I stayed hidden in that rock for hours.
After I got as vulnerable and transparent with my Maker as I possibly could, I finally came to a place of complete silence. I could hear ice falling. Except for the occasional sob coming from me...there was pure silence. And it was beautiful. Although I was still grieving I was able to acknowledge that healing could begin. Once my wounds were exposed, washed and disinfected with those Gentle Hands of His, healing would come.
Over the past few months I've come to accept and embrace some facts of life.
Fact #1: Life happens. Just because I serve Jesus and follow Him doesn't mean I won't experience life. In fact, He says I will have an abundant life if I accept it from Him. Abundant life doesn't mean a fairy-tale life. My life circumstances will always ebb and flow with mountains and valleys. It is life in a broken world.
Fact #2: It was never my Creator's intent for me to experience death and pain. He is a Righteous Judge who looks at my circumstances and judges them as currency. I can take my ashes to Him as an offering, and because of what He did for me on the cross, He purchases beauty for me. My pain, brokenness, weakness, confusion and loss are just what He wants from me. He takes it all and says, "Yes, that's horrible. I hate it too." And then he gives me joy, wholeness, His strength and wisdom, His life in exchange. That's an amazing exchange rate.
Fact #3: It is my choice to either walk through my life in this world alone, or with the One who formed me and loves me. Its where the rubber meets the road. As life happens will I throw off all that weighs me down and run with endurance? (Heb. 12) As life happens will I allow Him His rightful place as the King (sovereign ruler) of my life no matter what? Am I like clay in the Potter's hand, will I stay on His wheel and trust that He's still forming me into something beautiful and useful?
My answer as I sift through some ashes and offer it up to Him again today is, "Yes. I choose life." I have a feeling it might be a daily choice for me as I wade through grief and try to picture a spring and summer of not being pregnant. But I'm OK with that. Its probably good for me.
I know this blog is rather transparent, but my hope and prayer is that through sharing my experience maybe someone can find the True Life-Giver too. I'm convinced that its part of the deal. I didn't go through all of the above for no purpose. If you find life happening around you, and its painful, and its full of questions and loss...tuck yourself into The Rock and let Him hold you up. His exchange rate is unfathomable and His love everlasting.
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