Two years ago this week Georgie and I boarded a plane and moved to Colorado.
As I type this, I'm sitting at the table in our kitchen, and I'm remembering that 2 years ago I had no kitchen to speak of. We lived in this house for several weeks without a functioning kitchen, and with our refrigerator in a small storage space only accessible from the outside. I wonder if any neighbors ever saw me in my PJ's while I went outside to the fridge for one of George's middle-of-the-night bottles.
I'm remembering the Sunday morning a few short weeks after we arrived. It was hot. Shane was working and had taken our one and only vehicle. The house was full of boxes. Georgie was a fussy mess. I couldn't make anything for breakfast because I had no kitchen or table or anything. And the toilet and bathtub were plugged. I barely knew the neighbors on one side and thought maybe I could ask them for help but I was shy, scared, homesick and completely emotional. But I got up enough nerve to walk outside...just in time to see them driving to church. The neighbors on the other side were just getting into their car for church too, but I wasn't brave enough to interrupt them. So. I saw some folks at a house across the street and just swallowed my pride and walked over and asked to borrow a plunger. It was awful!! Imagine the gross-ness of returning a plunger. My face gets red even thinking about it.
Who would've known that 2 years later those neighbors on either side of our house would become our close friends. And the church they were going to would become ours as well.
We weren't supposed to be in this house. We had another house lined up to live in. But it fell through. As did a second home. This house wasn't even on our radar. But it was on my Father's. I've come to believe that the Lord really really really cares about where we are located in life.
He knew my sweet neighbor would ask me to a women's weekly Bible study called BSF. And that my BSF small group leader would be an integral part of my road to healing in our marriage. And that after attending this Bible study with my neighbor, I would want to attend church with her. And that this church would be a place of safety, security, healing, balance and community for us. And that out of this church would come life-long, incredible friendships and even some ministry opportunities. I thought I had to leave all my friends and family and ministry behind in the NW. But God knew I would find all that here. Eventually. Because of where He put us. In this house.
I still get really homesick. I still get mad sometimes when I realize that my children are being raised away from my family. I still go outside every.single.time it rains because I miss it so much. But this Sunday, when my daughter was sleeping in the arms of someone else's grandpa, and being shown off by someone else's mom, and held by my husband's good friend...I rejoiced. I really did. I'm learning a whole new aspect of the provision of God. He truly provides whatever we need. If we are willing to receive it.
In two years of living here I feel that I've changed a lot. That happens when you're on the Potter's wheel and He decides to re-make you. Today I'm taking a little time to remember. And I'm confessing my willingness to be wherever He thinks is best. That willingness doesn't come easy, but I don't want to miss out on all He has for me and my family. He has done more in these two years than I ever thought possible. What might He do next?
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Saturday, December 31, 2011
God of all Hope
How to begin blogging again after almost a year? And what a year it has been! Part of me wants to chronicle everything that happened, but another part of me longs to just be rid of 2011 and spend zero time reflecting on what was probably the hardest year of my life so far. If it wasn't for the fact that I serve an incredible God Who turns ashes into beauty, I wouldn't even try to blog! But this God that I serve, the God of all hope, deserves glory and honor for taking my trials and turning them into gold.
2011 was a year of loss and brokenness in many ways. I'm not sure I'm interested in writing all about that. I'd rather write about the restoring and rebuilding that took place after the loss. I will simply say that after miscarrying twins, realizing my marriage wasn't as stable or healthy as I hoped, experiencing deep loneliness and seclusion, financial ruin, and realizing that I was an insecure-control-freak who was gifted at enabling unhealthy people...after all that and more, I turned to the Great Healer, Great Rescuer, the One who loves me desperately. I layed at His nail-scarred feet and didn't get up. I'm still there. And its from there that I write today. Its from there that He began an incredible work of restoration. And its from there that I can truly say that He is the God of all hope.
In February we finally found the church that we had been praying to find. One that has sound doctrine, preaches the Good News, has an outward focus to reach the lost, and most importantly for us has a strong sense of community and discipleship which we desperately needed. Not surprisingly it is the church that our neighbors on either side of our house attend. I cannot even type for the tears in my eyes as I think about our neighbors and how they reached out to us in our times of crises and need...and just served, just loved, were just simply present. Someday maybe I will blog just about them and their impact on our lives. Honestly, we would not have made it without them.
As soon as we were getting established in this church, things became startlingly clear that our marriage needed attention. Again, maybe someday I will blog about that part of our life and how if hearts are humble and willing...anything is possible. God can (and will) bring His presence into any situation and turn it all around so that it is stronger, healthier, more lovely than anything imaginable.
Sometime in May I allowed the Lord to take me on a journey of repentance and healing. I had been turning to food for comfort for 8 years. And I decided enough was enough. I lost about 30 pounds in the next few months by counting calories, running and turning to Him for peace and comfort instead of my trusty bag of chips. This was a hard season, but very rewarding. One morning in July I ran 5 miles and then bought a size 8 dress. The very next morning I found out I was pregnant again - an absolute miracle and testimony to the healing and rebuilding that was happening in our marriage.
I lived in constant fear for the first 3 months of this pregnancy. While in Washington for a visit, I even experienced my first panic attack because I started bleeding and it seemed like I was having similar symptoms to the miscarriage I had suffered. I will never forget calling one of my best friends, BA, and her words to me were, "Melodi. You need hope. Not hope in this pregnancy to come to full term, but hope in Jesus." I was so convicted, yet so encouraged at the same time. I need to write about this more fully in the future too. I had a whole host of mighty women praying for me not only in Tacoma, but also in Littleton. I realized that I was no longer alone. And when we saw my doctor immediately upon returning to Colorado, heard the heartbeat for the first time, and truly knew that all would be well with this pregnancy....I knew the God of all hope had sustained me and was giving me a season of great joy. Her name will be Elizabeth Hope. But I will call her Hope.
Twice a month I get together with 4 lovely, special ladies from our church. The last time we met we started a study on the life of Mary the mother of Jesus. In reference to the angel coming and interrupting Mary's life, someone posed the question, "How do we handle interruptions?" I have been thinking about this ever since, and I have come to realize something lifechanging. The past 3 1/2 years of our lives have not just been trials and tribulations...they have actually been divine interruptions. And these interruptions have been for the purpose of bringing us closer to Christ, changing us more into His image, and to bring Him glory and honor.
My whole perspective has changed. What if our lives were drastically interrupted because that was the only way the Lord would get us to move to a new state, new church, new community...in which He could fulfill His plans in and through our lives in an incredible way?? We're not here by coincidence or because it was something we planned. We didn't go through firey trials and painful losses just beause "that's life". No way. Our lives have been divinely interrupted and we are choosing to remain positioned at His feet so that His purpose is fulfilled and His Kingdom can come into and through our lives. So....I'm ready for 2012!!
"Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Rom. 15:13
2011 was a year of loss and brokenness in many ways. I'm not sure I'm interested in writing all about that. I'd rather write about the restoring and rebuilding that took place after the loss. I will simply say that after miscarrying twins, realizing my marriage wasn't as stable or healthy as I hoped, experiencing deep loneliness and seclusion, financial ruin, and realizing that I was an insecure-control-freak who was gifted at enabling unhealthy people...after all that and more, I turned to the Great Healer, Great Rescuer, the One who loves me desperately. I layed at His nail-scarred feet and didn't get up. I'm still there. And its from there that I write today. Its from there that He began an incredible work of restoration. And its from there that I can truly say that He is the God of all hope.
In February we finally found the church that we had been praying to find. One that has sound doctrine, preaches the Good News, has an outward focus to reach the lost, and most importantly for us has a strong sense of community and discipleship which we desperately needed. Not surprisingly it is the church that our neighbors on either side of our house attend. I cannot even type for the tears in my eyes as I think about our neighbors and how they reached out to us in our times of crises and need...and just served, just loved, were just simply present. Someday maybe I will blog just about them and their impact on our lives. Honestly, we would not have made it without them.
As soon as we were getting established in this church, things became startlingly clear that our marriage needed attention. Again, maybe someday I will blog about that part of our life and how if hearts are humble and willing...anything is possible. God can (and will) bring His presence into any situation and turn it all around so that it is stronger, healthier, more lovely than anything imaginable.
Sometime in May I allowed the Lord to take me on a journey of repentance and healing. I had been turning to food for comfort for 8 years. And I decided enough was enough. I lost about 30 pounds in the next few months by counting calories, running and turning to Him for peace and comfort instead of my trusty bag of chips. This was a hard season, but very rewarding. One morning in July I ran 5 miles and then bought a size 8 dress. The very next morning I found out I was pregnant again - an absolute miracle and testimony to the healing and rebuilding that was happening in our marriage.
I lived in constant fear for the first 3 months of this pregnancy. While in Washington for a visit, I even experienced my first panic attack because I started bleeding and it seemed like I was having similar symptoms to the miscarriage I had suffered. I will never forget calling one of my best friends, BA, and her words to me were, "Melodi. You need hope. Not hope in this pregnancy to come to full term, but hope in Jesus." I was so convicted, yet so encouraged at the same time. I need to write about this more fully in the future too. I had a whole host of mighty women praying for me not only in Tacoma, but also in Littleton. I realized that I was no longer alone. And when we saw my doctor immediately upon returning to Colorado, heard the heartbeat for the first time, and truly knew that all would be well with this pregnancy....I knew the God of all hope had sustained me and was giving me a season of great joy. Her name will be Elizabeth Hope. But I will call her Hope.
Twice a month I get together with 4 lovely, special ladies from our church. The last time we met we started a study on the life of Mary the mother of Jesus. In reference to the angel coming and interrupting Mary's life, someone posed the question, "How do we handle interruptions?" I have been thinking about this ever since, and I have come to realize something lifechanging. The past 3 1/2 years of our lives have not just been trials and tribulations...they have actually been divine interruptions. And these interruptions have been for the purpose of bringing us closer to Christ, changing us more into His image, and to bring Him glory and honor.
My whole perspective has changed. What if our lives were drastically interrupted because that was the only way the Lord would get us to move to a new state, new church, new community...in which He could fulfill His plans in and through our lives in an incredible way?? We're not here by coincidence or because it was something we planned. We didn't go through firey trials and painful losses just beause "that's life". No way. Our lives have been divinely interrupted and we are choosing to remain positioned at His feet so that His purpose is fulfilled and His Kingdom can come into and through our lives. So....I'm ready for 2012!!
"Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Rom. 15:13
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Life Happens
While I haven't been blogging in several months, life has been happening. In fact, as I type this I can hardly read it because my son threw a Thomas train at the screen and pretty much demolished it. I have to type, then readjust the screen, then type, then readjust and hope to see something between all the wobbly lines...a perfect analogy for how my life has been the last several months.
Just before Thanksgiving we found out that I was pregnant. This was quite a shock since we were told we were unable to have children. When George came along a few years back we were floored that the Lord would give us such a miracle. And then to find out a second miracle was coming...wow. Obviously we were no longer in the category of not being able to have children!
As long as I live I will never forget how I felt for the next 2 weeks...peaceful, joyful, hopeful. And nauseated of course. But my reality crumbled fast when I started spotting and I realized this season of life may not be all that I was dreaming of. I can't bring myself to blog about the next 3 weeks of ultrasounds, tests, bed rest....the roller coaster ride that I desperately never wanted to participate in. We discovered that the twins I was carrying were not developing past 6 weeks. I was facing a miscarriage.
I couldn't seem to embrace the fact that after walking through the most challenging year of my life, I was now also going to experience something that would shatter my heart to pieces and shake the foundations of my faith. I didn't know it would cause me to examine the very fiber of my belief system, but it did. In my 36 years of living, I've never asked the kinds of questions I was asking. Questioning the character of God, His love, or His sovereignty is something I've not done before.
Its interesting to me to think of all the things I've experienced so far: being a step-mom, having a blended family schedule, being a single woman pastor, then a married woman pastor, rejection from children and other family, moving halfway across the country, poverty, stress, loneliness etc. My foundation secure, I just trusted Him to bring all things together for good, and although I had my own little coping methods (overeating), my walk with Jesus remained stable. Living through all these things and more, I didn't have many questions for God.
But I did now.
After I miscarried (which was physically, emotionally, mentally worse than I could've imagined), I took a day and just drove.
Shane was home with George and although there were several inches of snow I drove to Red Rocks. I needed a secluded and rugged place to wrestle with God.
My footprints in the snow were the only ones in sight as I hiked up until I couldn't breathe. I tucked myself into a cleft in a rock. I looked to Heaven and poured out my heart. I've never wrestled with God before like I did that day. I questioned everything, demanded answers, accused Him of things. I wept. I found myself begging Him to bring some kind of purpose out of all this pain and loss. I realized I wasn't just grieving the loss of 2 babies...I was grieving over many things. Things I don't need to blog about, but it dawned on me that I've been feeling a general sense of loss for a very long time. I stayed hidden in that rock for hours.
After I got as vulnerable and transparent with my Maker as I possibly could, I finally came to a place of complete silence. I could hear ice falling. Except for the occasional sob coming from me...there was pure silence. And it was beautiful. Although I was still grieving I was able to acknowledge that healing could begin. Once my wounds were exposed, washed and disinfected with those Gentle Hands of His, healing would come.
Over the past few months I've come to accept and embrace some facts of life.
Fact #1: Life happens. Just because I serve Jesus and follow Him doesn't mean I won't experience life. In fact, He says I will have an abundant life if I accept it from Him. Abundant life doesn't mean a fairy-tale life. My life circumstances will always ebb and flow with mountains and valleys. It is life in a broken world.
Fact #2: It was never my Creator's intent for me to experience death and pain. He is a Righteous Judge who looks at my circumstances and judges them as currency. I can take my ashes to Him as an offering, and because of what He did for me on the cross, He purchases beauty for me. My pain, brokenness, weakness, confusion and loss are just what He wants from me. He takes it all and says, "Yes, that's horrible. I hate it too." And then he gives me joy, wholeness, His strength and wisdom, His life in exchange. That's an amazing exchange rate.
Fact #3: It is my choice to either walk through my life in this world alone, or with the One who formed me and loves me. Its where the rubber meets the road. As life happens will I throw off all that weighs me down and run with endurance? (Heb. 12) As life happens will I allow Him His rightful place as the King (sovereign ruler) of my life no matter what? Am I like clay in the Potter's hand, will I stay on His wheel and trust that He's still forming me into something beautiful and useful?
My answer as I sift through some ashes and offer it up to Him again today is, "Yes. I choose life." I have a feeling it might be a daily choice for me as I wade through grief and try to picture a spring and summer of not being pregnant. But I'm OK with that. Its probably good for me.
I know this blog is rather transparent, but my hope and prayer is that through sharing my experience maybe someone can find the True Life-Giver too. I'm convinced that its part of the deal. I didn't go through all of the above for no purpose. If you find life happening around you, and its painful, and its full of questions and loss...tuck yourself into The Rock and let Him hold you up. His exchange rate is unfathomable and His love everlasting.
Just before Thanksgiving we found out that I was pregnant. This was quite a shock since we were told we were unable to have children. When George came along a few years back we were floored that the Lord would give us such a miracle. And then to find out a second miracle was coming...wow. Obviously we were no longer in the category of not being able to have children!
As long as I live I will never forget how I felt for the next 2 weeks...peaceful, joyful, hopeful. And nauseated of course. But my reality crumbled fast when I started spotting and I realized this season of life may not be all that I was dreaming of. I can't bring myself to blog about the next 3 weeks of ultrasounds, tests, bed rest....the roller coaster ride that I desperately never wanted to participate in. We discovered that the twins I was carrying were not developing past 6 weeks. I was facing a miscarriage.
I couldn't seem to embrace the fact that after walking through the most challenging year of my life, I was now also going to experience something that would shatter my heart to pieces and shake the foundations of my faith. I didn't know it would cause me to examine the very fiber of my belief system, but it did. In my 36 years of living, I've never asked the kinds of questions I was asking. Questioning the character of God, His love, or His sovereignty is something I've not done before.
Its interesting to me to think of all the things I've experienced so far: being a step-mom, having a blended family schedule, being a single woman pastor, then a married woman pastor, rejection from children and other family, moving halfway across the country, poverty, stress, loneliness etc. My foundation secure, I just trusted Him to bring all things together for good, and although I had my own little coping methods (overeating), my walk with Jesus remained stable. Living through all these things and more, I didn't have many questions for God.
But I did now.
After I miscarried (which was physically, emotionally, mentally worse than I could've imagined), I took a day and just drove.
Shane was home with George and although there were several inches of snow I drove to Red Rocks. I needed a secluded and rugged place to wrestle with God.
My footprints in the snow were the only ones in sight as I hiked up until I couldn't breathe. I tucked myself into a cleft in a rock. I looked to Heaven and poured out my heart. I've never wrestled with God before like I did that day. I questioned everything, demanded answers, accused Him of things. I wept. I found myself begging Him to bring some kind of purpose out of all this pain and loss. I realized I wasn't just grieving the loss of 2 babies...I was grieving over many things. Things I don't need to blog about, but it dawned on me that I've been feeling a general sense of loss for a very long time. I stayed hidden in that rock for hours.
After I got as vulnerable and transparent with my Maker as I possibly could, I finally came to a place of complete silence. I could hear ice falling. Except for the occasional sob coming from me...there was pure silence. And it was beautiful. Although I was still grieving I was able to acknowledge that healing could begin. Once my wounds were exposed, washed and disinfected with those Gentle Hands of His, healing would come.
Over the past few months I've come to accept and embrace some facts of life.
Fact #1: Life happens. Just because I serve Jesus and follow Him doesn't mean I won't experience life. In fact, He says I will have an abundant life if I accept it from Him. Abundant life doesn't mean a fairy-tale life. My life circumstances will always ebb and flow with mountains and valleys. It is life in a broken world.
Fact #2: It was never my Creator's intent for me to experience death and pain. He is a Righteous Judge who looks at my circumstances and judges them as currency. I can take my ashes to Him as an offering, and because of what He did for me on the cross, He purchases beauty for me. My pain, brokenness, weakness, confusion and loss are just what He wants from me. He takes it all and says, "Yes, that's horrible. I hate it too." And then he gives me joy, wholeness, His strength and wisdom, His life in exchange. That's an amazing exchange rate.
Fact #3: It is my choice to either walk through my life in this world alone, or with the One who formed me and loves me. Its where the rubber meets the road. As life happens will I throw off all that weighs me down and run with endurance? (Heb. 12) As life happens will I allow Him His rightful place as the King (sovereign ruler) of my life no matter what? Am I like clay in the Potter's hand, will I stay on His wheel and trust that He's still forming me into something beautiful and useful?
My answer as I sift through some ashes and offer it up to Him again today is, "Yes. I choose life." I have a feeling it might be a daily choice for me as I wade through grief and try to picture a spring and summer of not being pregnant. But I'm OK with that. Its probably good for me.
I know this blog is rather transparent, but my hope and prayer is that through sharing my experience maybe someone can find the True Life-Giver too. I'm convinced that its part of the deal. I didn't go through all of the above for no purpose. If you find life happening around you, and its painful, and its full of questions and loss...tuck yourself into The Rock and let Him hold you up. His exchange rate is unfathomable and His love everlasting.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
My Reality
This blog is about the bare bones of my little world.
It has been a hard week. My neck and back have been giving me pain for over a month straight. So much so that I can't walk sometimes, and I cannot clean my house or do simple things like lift George to his changing table. Our finances are meager, we're both seeking different ways to make more money. I've been working hard to figure out some kind of health insurance we can qualify for. Some relationships are strained and need healing.
Shane is having a meeting with someone this morning. I've been praying on and off all night and morning about this confrontation because its a big deal that it goes well. I decided to let George spend the morning with his Grandpa so I could get some things done around the house...my back has been improving over the last 24 hours (probably due to the fact that I've been begging Jesus for a miracle so I can at least function!).
Anyway...I'm cutting coupons, going online and printing coupons and trying to put together a grocery list based on what's on sale...which if you've ever done, you know how much brain power is needed for such a task. When all of a sudden I feel a small nudge from the Holy Spirit. I put down my scissors and just waited on Him for a minute. It seemed like He wanted me to go to the piano and worship. Usually this would've been a small battle for me to fight because I'm so task oriented. Usually I would say, "OK, Lord. I'll do it as soon as all the coupons are ready." But this isn't a usual season of life. We're desperate for the presence of Jesus.
So I put everything away and went to the piano. My piano. I cry just thinking of how much worshipping Jesus on my piano means to me.
...I have years of memories when I was in Jr. and Sr. High School, of worshipping together with special friends. We would get out worship books and sing for hours.
...In college I would go to the classroom building and find a quiet spot and try to seek God for direction and purpose, while praising Him on the piano.
...Whenever I was stressed, nervous, hurting or confused I would go to the piano and worship until peace returned.
...And then of course is the time my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. I played and sang and tried to believe God for a miracle for hours, while she sat in her rocking chair, gazing at a pic of her 1st grandchild weeping.
...I used to play piano for worship at my church where I was an associate pastor. I loved those Sundays. Then sometimes I played when I was a youth pastor, and I would feel led to lead a song or have some prophetic moments from the piano.
But it has been years since I laid it all down. Literally. Laid down my expectations. Laid down my demands. Laid down my tasks. Laid down my self-consciousness. And just spent time with Jesus in this way.
Until today.
My reality changed today when I was in His presence, playing the piano, worshipping Him. I'm no longer a stressed out, full-of-neck and back pain, worried about relationships, looking for a job from home girl. I'm a daughter of the King of Kings who is taking care of me and my household. I'm a valued citizen of the Kingdom of God who has purpose and who is called by the Almighty God to bring glory to Him.
Shane is still meeting with that person, I still have a grocery list to make and lots of coupons to juggle, while trying to take enough ibuprofen to get through the grocery store. BUT...in my spirit I'm singing, "Your love Oh Lord reaches to the Heavens. Your faithfulness stretches to the sky. Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains. And your justice flows like the ocean's tide."
And my world looks quite different.
It has been a hard week. My neck and back have been giving me pain for over a month straight. So much so that I can't walk sometimes, and I cannot clean my house or do simple things like lift George to his changing table. Our finances are meager, we're both seeking different ways to make more money. I've been working hard to figure out some kind of health insurance we can qualify for. Some relationships are strained and need healing.
Shane is having a meeting with someone this morning. I've been praying on and off all night and morning about this confrontation because its a big deal that it goes well. I decided to let George spend the morning with his Grandpa so I could get some things done around the house...my back has been improving over the last 24 hours (probably due to the fact that I've been begging Jesus for a miracle so I can at least function!).
Anyway...I'm cutting coupons, going online and printing coupons and trying to put together a grocery list based on what's on sale...which if you've ever done, you know how much brain power is needed for such a task. When all of a sudden I feel a small nudge from the Holy Spirit. I put down my scissors and just waited on Him for a minute. It seemed like He wanted me to go to the piano and worship. Usually this would've been a small battle for me to fight because I'm so task oriented. Usually I would say, "OK, Lord. I'll do it as soon as all the coupons are ready." But this isn't a usual season of life. We're desperate for the presence of Jesus.
So I put everything away and went to the piano. My piano. I cry just thinking of how much worshipping Jesus on my piano means to me.
...I have years of memories when I was in Jr. and Sr. High School, of worshipping together with special friends. We would get out worship books and sing for hours.
...In college I would go to the classroom building and find a quiet spot and try to seek God for direction and purpose, while praising Him on the piano.
...Whenever I was stressed, nervous, hurting or confused I would go to the piano and worship until peace returned.
...And then of course is the time my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. I played and sang and tried to believe God for a miracle for hours, while she sat in her rocking chair, gazing at a pic of her 1st grandchild weeping.
...I used to play piano for worship at my church where I was an associate pastor. I loved those Sundays. Then sometimes I played when I was a youth pastor, and I would feel led to lead a song or have some prophetic moments from the piano.
But it has been years since I laid it all down. Literally. Laid down my expectations. Laid down my demands. Laid down my tasks. Laid down my self-consciousness. And just spent time with Jesus in this way.
Until today.
My reality changed today when I was in His presence, playing the piano, worshipping Him. I'm no longer a stressed out, full-of-neck and back pain, worried about relationships, looking for a job from home girl. I'm a daughter of the King of Kings who is taking care of me and my household. I'm a valued citizen of the Kingdom of God who has purpose and who is called by the Almighty God to bring glory to Him.
Shane is still meeting with that person, I still have a grocery list to make and lots of coupons to juggle, while trying to take enough ibuprofen to get through the grocery store. BUT...in my spirit I'm singing, "Your love Oh Lord reaches to the Heavens. Your faithfulness stretches to the sky. Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains. And your justice flows like the ocean's tide."
And my world looks quite different.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
The Little Rental That Could
Today I did something that I haven't done in several years. I opened my home. We had 3 sets of neighbors come over and we served them hot apple cider, banana bread, apple bread, cupcakes for George's birthday. We gave them all little gifts and basically just hung out for nearly 3 hours.
A tremendous amount of work has been done on this little rental to make it presentable to others. Its a small miracle that we were able to have people over and feel great about it.
But the biggest miracle of all is that a chapter has ended for me. I wanted/needed a season where I felt like my home was safe, my time was strictly for my little family and a few select friends and...its going to aound horrible and selfish, but its been several years since I had any desire to open my home and have people around.
I'm not exactly sure what prompted my over-protectiveness of my home. Maybe it was the years of pastoring when I felt like my time and space belonged to an entire church of people. Maybe it was from blended family issues. Maybe it was simply because I had a little baby and wanted his first years to be relatively calm and ordered. But regardless of all that analytical stuff....
It was really really really fun. Shane has a very special gift of hospitality, and I absolutely loved watching him serve our neighbors today. And little George is such a people person...he ran from room to room barely able to contain his excitement that our home was full of people.
I would never have thought this little rental, which still doesn't necessarily feel like home to me, could be the setting that the Lord would use to get me functioning again in the hospitality way.
But isn't that just like Him? He uses whatever He wants to bring beauty and joy to others. Even a little rental house for a little family trying to serve Him and find His purpose in hard times.
A tremendous amount of work has been done on this little rental to make it presentable to others. Its a small miracle that we were able to have people over and feel great about it.
But the biggest miracle of all is that a chapter has ended for me. I wanted/needed a season where I felt like my home was safe, my time was strictly for my little family and a few select friends and...its going to aound horrible and selfish, but its been several years since I had any desire to open my home and have people around.
I'm not exactly sure what prompted my over-protectiveness of my home. Maybe it was the years of pastoring when I felt like my time and space belonged to an entire church of people. Maybe it was from blended family issues. Maybe it was simply because I had a little baby and wanted his first years to be relatively calm and ordered. But regardless of all that analytical stuff....
It was really really really fun. Shane has a very special gift of hospitality, and I absolutely loved watching him serve our neighbors today. And little George is such a people person...he ran from room to room barely able to contain his excitement that our home was full of people.
I would never have thought this little rental, which still doesn't necessarily feel like home to me, could be the setting that the Lord would use to get me functioning again in the hospitality way.
But isn't that just like Him? He uses whatever He wants to bring beauty and joy to others. Even a little rental house for a little family trying to serve Him and find His purpose in hard times.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Lets Have a Beautiful Life
As usual its been way too long since I've written anything. I needed a jump start to get going again and tonight I got it.
I was driving to my sis-in-law's home to watch the premier of Biggest Loser. My mind was on whether or not Shane could calm George down enough to get him to sleep at a decent time...when I drove off they were wrestling and it didn't look to me like it was ending any time soon. But straight ahead of me was something that got my attention. I had seen it about a month ago, but the setting was very different then.
My sweet nephew was born on Aug 16. George and I were able to fly to Portland in time for his birth, and then we stayed in the NW for almost a month before Shane joined us and we all flew back to Colorado together. The trip was a life-changing, encouraging, rejuvenating time for me. I might write about some of my experiences, but tonight I need to write about what I saw.
Its something I've seen before. And I pray I will see it often again. Over the years it has inspired me, comforted me, and this time it helped heal me.
What I saw a month ago from my parents' front yard was the full moon rising over Mt. Rainier. I grew up with beautiful views of the Mountain, and I am accustomed to seeing sights such as these. However this time, my eyes couldn't stop staring and my heart drank it in. Interesting how true it is that you don't know what you have (sometimes) until its gone. I even slept with my shades open that night so if I woke up I could look outside and continue to gaze.
So tonight, I'm driving, my mind going a million miles a minute and I look up. I see a beautiful full moon and it brought tears to my eyes to realize that its the same moon...just a different setting. I stopped at a stop light and looked all around. Ahead of me is this gorgeous moon. Behind me are the Rocky Mountains and the sun is setting behind them. Above me is an absolutely stunning evening sky, complete with pink, orange and purple clouds. And believe it or not, there was even a little lightning and thunder (my mom would've loved that part).
The whole scene was breathtaking.
And something clicked. A spark finally lit. With all of my heart I loved being here. A song was playing from the CD I put in the car. One of my dearest friends made it for me a few years back. The singer was singing, "Its the time we were made for....Lets have a beautiful life....We all have the chance to do the things we were meant to do....We all have the chance to be the people we were meant to be....Its the time we were made for. Lets have a beautiful life."
I intend to do just that.
I was driving to my sis-in-law's home to watch the premier of Biggest Loser. My mind was on whether or not Shane could calm George down enough to get him to sleep at a decent time...when I drove off they were wrestling and it didn't look to me like it was ending any time soon. But straight ahead of me was something that got my attention. I had seen it about a month ago, but the setting was very different then.
My sweet nephew was born on Aug 16. George and I were able to fly to Portland in time for his birth, and then we stayed in the NW for almost a month before Shane joined us and we all flew back to Colorado together. The trip was a life-changing, encouraging, rejuvenating time for me. I might write about some of my experiences, but tonight I need to write about what I saw.
Its something I've seen before. And I pray I will see it often again. Over the years it has inspired me, comforted me, and this time it helped heal me.
What I saw a month ago from my parents' front yard was the full moon rising over Mt. Rainier. I grew up with beautiful views of the Mountain, and I am accustomed to seeing sights such as these. However this time, my eyes couldn't stop staring and my heart drank it in. Interesting how true it is that you don't know what you have (sometimes) until its gone. I even slept with my shades open that night so if I woke up I could look outside and continue to gaze.
So tonight, I'm driving, my mind going a million miles a minute and I look up. I see a beautiful full moon and it brought tears to my eyes to realize that its the same moon...just a different setting. I stopped at a stop light and looked all around. Ahead of me is this gorgeous moon. Behind me are the Rocky Mountains and the sun is setting behind them. Above me is an absolutely stunning evening sky, complete with pink, orange and purple clouds. And believe it or not, there was even a little lightning and thunder (my mom would've loved that part).
The whole scene was breathtaking.
And something clicked. A spark finally lit. With all of my heart I loved being here. A song was playing from the CD I put in the car. One of my dearest friends made it for me a few years back. The singer was singing, "Its the time we were made for....Lets have a beautiful life....We all have the chance to do the things we were meant to do....We all have the chance to be the people we were meant to be....Its the time we were made for. Lets have a beautiful life."
I intend to do just that.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Home Sweet Home
This morning I went to church with George. Shane had to work, and our friend GN who is here visiting went to pull weeds (crazy guy) with Shane.
I have been very homesick the past few weeks. The adrenaline of moving, fixing the kitchen, learning my way around etc is wearing off. I've been trying to stuff all my emotions way down so as not to burden anyone, but this weekend the stuffing backfired. After my huge cry session last night while everyone was sleeping, I woke up this morning and knew today would be interesting. My emotions weren't only on my sleeve that's for sure.
A fella I went to PBC with is the pastor of the church we're starting to attend. I took piano lessons from his wife. The youth pastors are the ones I invited to speak at the summer youth camps we had when I was a youth pastor in Tacoma. So there are lots of familiar faces, along with the same "spiritual DNA" so-to-speak having come from the same college and church in Portland.
I wasn't looking where I was going when I first walked into the service, and I ran right into the pastor. We hadn't met yet since my moving here, so he gives us a huge greeting hug and asks how I'm doing. He was so kind. So sincere. And I was an emotional train wreck. I cannot talk while crying. So I'm standing there trying to answer him and all I can get out is, "Fine. I'm fine." And I start crying. He just hugged us and prayed for us and darn it I couldn't stop crying. So I still haven't really visited with him, but I'm sure I will.
I took George to the nursery not knowing if he would let me leave or not. But as soon as I put him down, he went up to a little girl and started rolling around on the ground with her, playing with toys and completely forgetting I was there! It was a miracle to say the least.
For the first time in a very long time, I was able to sit and listen to a sermon and enjoy it and grow from it. The message had to do with the portion of Scripture where Jesus asks the disciples who they think He is. And it is making me stop and think tonight. Who is Jesus to me? Who am I allowing Him to be? Who does He want to be? How does He want to reveal Himself to me in this season of my life when I so desperately need Him?
My homesickness is normal and natural and will probably be around for a bit. But I remembered today that I can find my home in His presence. No matter where in this world I am. He is my husband, He is my friend, He is my Father...He is my home. Seems simple and elementary, but today it was breath and life to me. Today it gave me hope.
And hope is the foundation of faith. And this season is faith-building for sure.
So I'm thankful for this church that felt like home. For old acquaintances/friends who will become new friends. For reminders that bring hope and healing. And for the King of Kings who lets this heart find rest in His home.
I have been very homesick the past few weeks. The adrenaline of moving, fixing the kitchen, learning my way around etc is wearing off. I've been trying to stuff all my emotions way down so as not to burden anyone, but this weekend the stuffing backfired. After my huge cry session last night while everyone was sleeping, I woke up this morning and knew today would be interesting. My emotions weren't only on my sleeve that's for sure.
A fella I went to PBC with is the pastor of the church we're starting to attend. I took piano lessons from his wife. The youth pastors are the ones I invited to speak at the summer youth camps we had when I was a youth pastor in Tacoma. So there are lots of familiar faces, along with the same "spiritual DNA" so-to-speak having come from the same college and church in Portland.
I wasn't looking where I was going when I first walked into the service, and I ran right into the pastor. We hadn't met yet since my moving here, so he gives us a huge greeting hug and asks how I'm doing. He was so kind. So sincere. And I was an emotional train wreck. I cannot talk while crying. So I'm standing there trying to answer him and all I can get out is, "Fine. I'm fine." And I start crying. He just hugged us and prayed for us and darn it I couldn't stop crying. So I still haven't really visited with him, but I'm sure I will.
I took George to the nursery not knowing if he would let me leave or not. But as soon as I put him down, he went up to a little girl and started rolling around on the ground with her, playing with toys and completely forgetting I was there! It was a miracle to say the least.
For the first time in a very long time, I was able to sit and listen to a sermon and enjoy it and grow from it. The message had to do with the portion of Scripture where Jesus asks the disciples who they think He is. And it is making me stop and think tonight. Who is Jesus to me? Who am I allowing Him to be? Who does He want to be? How does He want to reveal Himself to me in this season of my life when I so desperately need Him?
My homesickness is normal and natural and will probably be around for a bit. But I remembered today that I can find my home in His presence. No matter where in this world I am. He is my husband, He is my friend, He is my Father...He is my home. Seems simple and elementary, but today it was breath and life to me. Today it gave me hope.
And hope is the foundation of faith. And this season is faith-building for sure.
So I'm thankful for this church that felt like home. For old acquaintances/friends who will become new friends. For reminders that bring hope and healing. And for the King of Kings who lets this heart find rest in His home.
Friday, July 2, 2010
My Pain in the Neck...What a Relief
For about the past 8 years I've had chronic neck problems. Usually stress sets it off, but with the help of a loving, caring hubbie who tells me to "calm down and slow down", and the work of a phenomenal chiropractor/sports injury specialist, the occurences of my neck going out, or muscles being pulled have diminished over the past few years.
But yesterday morning when I turned my head, I felt something shift and I knew I was in trouble. I went to my new job anyway of course, and spent 4.5ish hours caring for George and 2 little girls 3 years old and 2 months old. It was kinda challenging to pretend that I wasn't in pain, and I'm sure ML noticed that I couldn't move my head and my smile was kinda strained, but I had a blast with those girls and was over-the-top thankful for my first paycheck since May 2008.
Shane's boss and his wife have hired me to come to their house a few days a week to take care of their precious daughters so she can do all the bookkeeping/admin for their landscaping business. George absolutely loves going there, and every morning asks for each girl by name. And what an answer to prayer that I can contribute to my family financially, my son has interaction with other children regularly and we are blessing a great family who are trying to run a business.
But yesterday was pretty hard on my physically. So today, I took it easy. George and I stayed home all day. For me, this equals BLISS. I am a true introvert and my batteries get charged when I have time alone. I do enjoy spending time with people of course, but if I can't have a little time completely and totally alone...after a while I am burned out.
George took a 3 hour nap this afternoon and I had time to be alone and think/reflect. Here's what I came up with:
...I am extremely thankful that my husband is happy and content to live where he's always wanted to live, and to raise his son where he always dreamed about raising a son.
...The Rocky Mountains are absolutely GORGEOUS and even though I grew up under Mt. Rainier and will always favor it, I am thrilled to live with these majestic mountains in my view
...My family is the best family to live on this planet. Not only the Daniels/Nyman family, but my in-laws who love us and have welcomed us to Colorado with open arms and a willingness to help and serve. Can I just say how wonderful it is that George gets to grow up surrounded with loving extended family??
...I miss my dad, mom, brother and his fam, so much that I can't think about it too often right now
...What a relief that Casey and Cam are happily married. I'm not sure I could've left with a son hoping/dreaming/wishing for his bride to appear. She appeared and my heart is at rest
...Our needs are always met by our Jehovah, our God. Whether its through people who have given their lives to Him or not.
...In 2 weeks my Fiend of Fiends, one of the best friends I've ever had JC is coming to visit me for several days. I know it will be refreshing, fun and absolutely relieving to have her here. I'm sure we will cry and laugh and pray our heads off.
...Then one of my longest and truest friends ever GN will come for a few weeks. He has been a friend, father, brother and inspiration to me throughout the years. I cannot wait for him to arrive and fill this house with laughter. But most of all...he will bring with him the Presence of Jesus and the hope of new life in Him.
...What you sow, you will reap. Years ago when I was still in high school, we opened our home up to a young lady in need. I loved her like a sister...and still do even though I don't talk to her as often as I should. This week I received a box in the mail containing 2 huge boxes of diapers. Then today a sandbox for George arrived FedEx. They were all from her. To bless us. And I've never cried so much in awe and thankfulness. I only wish I could wrap my arms around her and hug the heehaw out of her. It not only met a need we had, but it brought hope and healing to my heart. I haven't called her to thank her yet, only because I can't talk and cry at the same time.
I don't like my neck to be out of alignment, and I'm definitely wishing I could go see Dr. Doyle right now and laugh with her about all kinds of stuff....but this pain in my neck today allowed me time to stop and consider all I have to be thankful for right now. And its a lot. And my heart feels full. So I'm ok with a little neck pain.
But yesterday morning when I turned my head, I felt something shift and I knew I was in trouble. I went to my new job anyway of course, and spent 4.5ish hours caring for George and 2 little girls 3 years old and 2 months old. It was kinda challenging to pretend that I wasn't in pain, and I'm sure ML noticed that I couldn't move my head and my smile was kinda strained, but I had a blast with those girls and was over-the-top thankful for my first paycheck since May 2008.
Shane's boss and his wife have hired me to come to their house a few days a week to take care of their precious daughters so she can do all the bookkeeping/admin for their landscaping business. George absolutely loves going there, and every morning asks for each girl by name. And what an answer to prayer that I can contribute to my family financially, my son has interaction with other children regularly and we are blessing a great family who are trying to run a business.
But yesterday was pretty hard on my physically. So today, I took it easy. George and I stayed home all day. For me, this equals BLISS. I am a true introvert and my batteries get charged when I have time alone. I do enjoy spending time with people of course, but if I can't have a little time completely and totally alone...after a while I am burned out.
George took a 3 hour nap this afternoon and I had time to be alone and think/reflect. Here's what I came up with:
...I am extremely thankful that my husband is happy and content to live where he's always wanted to live, and to raise his son where he always dreamed about raising a son.
...The Rocky Mountains are absolutely GORGEOUS and even though I grew up under Mt. Rainier and will always favor it, I am thrilled to live with these majestic mountains in my view
...My family is the best family to live on this planet. Not only the Daniels/Nyman family, but my in-laws who love us and have welcomed us to Colorado with open arms and a willingness to help and serve. Can I just say how wonderful it is that George gets to grow up surrounded with loving extended family??
...I miss my dad, mom, brother and his fam, so much that I can't think about it too often right now
...What a relief that Casey and Cam are happily married. I'm not sure I could've left with a son hoping/dreaming/wishing for his bride to appear. She appeared and my heart is at rest
...Our needs are always met by our Jehovah, our God. Whether its through people who have given their lives to Him or not.
...In 2 weeks my Fiend of Fiends, one of the best friends I've ever had JC is coming to visit me for several days. I know it will be refreshing, fun and absolutely relieving to have her here. I'm sure we will cry and laugh and pray our heads off.
...Then one of my longest and truest friends ever GN will come for a few weeks. He has been a friend, father, brother and inspiration to me throughout the years. I cannot wait for him to arrive and fill this house with laughter. But most of all...he will bring with him the Presence of Jesus and the hope of new life in Him.
...What you sow, you will reap. Years ago when I was still in high school, we opened our home up to a young lady in need. I loved her like a sister...and still do even though I don't talk to her as often as I should. This week I received a box in the mail containing 2 huge boxes of diapers. Then today a sandbox for George arrived FedEx. They were all from her. To bless us. And I've never cried so much in awe and thankfulness. I only wish I could wrap my arms around her and hug the heehaw out of her. It not only met a need we had, but it brought hope and healing to my heart. I haven't called her to thank her yet, only because I can't talk and cry at the same time.
I don't like my neck to be out of alignment, and I'm definitely wishing I could go see Dr. Doyle right now and laugh with her about all kinds of stuff....but this pain in my neck today allowed me time to stop and consider all I have to be thankful for right now. And its a lot. And my heart feels full. So I'm ok with a little neck pain.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Some changin' goin' on
It seems to me that we have encountered every single challenge you could think of, as far as fixing up a house in order to live in it.
For example: The kitchen was absolutely horrible. The floor was filthy, previous tenants were smokers so everything was coated with a film of smoke, cupboards had probably never been cleaned, and lets not talk about the faucet, sink, counter and windows. But bless Shane's heart, he went ahead and moved the washer and dryer into their spot in the kitchen and decided to have those up and running at least.
My parents were still here when I decided to try a load of laundry. My dad was in the kitchen scrubbing the ceiling and walls, trying to prep for painting. My mom was sitting on a box somewhere crying, and George was napping. (Not really about my mom, but she probably wanted to!) I put a load in the washer and went to do something else. Pretty soon I heard water pouring out, and realized that the entire kitchen floor (which was disgustingly dirty) was getting flooded because the water was not draining down the pipe. My dad spent HOURS trying to troubleshoot and clean out that pipe....but we eventually had to just stand at the washer and listen for the pipe to fill up, shut the washer off, wait for water to go down the pipe, then start the washer again. Over. And over. And over. Until the rinse cycle was finished.
A few days later after my folks left, I was standing at the washer turning it off and on when Shane's dad George drove up. He comes over every day (which I love) and spends time with little George. He has done so very much for us, helping get this house live-able. He took one look at what I was doing and called the water/sewer people. They were here for over 4 hours trying to figure out the problem. Eventually, it was fixed.
This is just one of SEVERAL incidents and challenges. It has seemed that every time we think something is fixed and working, it really isn't. Things that should be simple are quite challenging, frustrating and time consuming. And the Lord is using these things to change us...transform us.
Some other dear people have been helping us along the way too. And they are like Jesus with skin on (as Glenda Malmin would say) to us. And they DO go to church every Sunday. :) But the bottom line isn't about the Sunday morning shindig. The bottom line is a lifestyle modeled after Christ. And I have oh so far to go in being like Him.
And my kitchen is all up and running now! Although this isn't the most recent pic...
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Oh, the titles I could write...
My first blog from Littleton, Colorado!
I'm not sure where to start writing, so I'll make a list:
...It was really hard to say goodbyes to the people I'm close to, and the places I love and call home
...Shane and I are so glad to be together after 6 weeks apart. Those weeks were God-ordained. We grew and learned a lot. But we're glad the separation is over.
...George has done amazingly well - sleeping great, eating fine, doing well with getting acquainted with new people, loving the park just down the block, loving this little house we're in, and especially loving the special family that's over here!!
...My parents came with us and stayed for several days. I haven't let myself think too much about the miles that now separate us...but I'm very thankful for phone calls, texting and video chatting. I know I'll have to face it all soon enough, but for now I just keep busy and try not to think about how much I miss them and how much I cherish the years I had living close to them.
We are renting a house from one of Shane's cousins. The rent is very cheap with the agreement that we fix the house up while living in it. Shane did an incredible job of getting it livable before we arrived. It needed EVERYTHING from floors to paint to appliances and thank GOD for the new toilet. However, there wasn't enough time for him to work on the kitchen. Having the refrigerator in the garage (accessable only by going outside) wasn't near as challenging as having no high chair or table for my 21 month old Monkey.
I'm happy to say that the kitchen is now complete, except the stove we still need to pick up. I'm learning all kinds of new things to cook in the crock pot and there's always the old favorite: toast.
George is waking up from a nap, so I better wrap it up...just wanted to at least get 1 blog out there, and hopefully it will motivate me to write more soon.
I'm not sure where to start writing, so I'll make a list:
...It was really hard to say goodbyes to the people I'm close to, and the places I love and call home
...Shane and I are so glad to be together after 6 weeks apart. Those weeks were God-ordained. We grew and learned a lot. But we're glad the separation is over.
...George has done amazingly well - sleeping great, eating fine, doing well with getting acquainted with new people, loving the park just down the block, loving this little house we're in, and especially loving the special family that's over here!!
...My parents came with us and stayed for several days. I haven't let myself think too much about the miles that now separate us...but I'm very thankful for phone calls, texting and video chatting. I know I'll have to face it all soon enough, but for now I just keep busy and try not to think about how much I miss them and how much I cherish the years I had living close to them.
We are renting a house from one of Shane's cousins. The rent is very cheap with the agreement that we fix the house up while living in it. Shane did an incredible job of getting it livable before we arrived. It needed EVERYTHING from floors to paint to appliances and thank GOD for the new toilet. However, there wasn't enough time for him to work on the kitchen. Having the refrigerator in the garage (accessable only by going outside) wasn't near as challenging as having no high chair or table for my 21 month old Monkey.
I'm happy to say that the kitchen is now complete, except the stove we still need to pick up. I'm learning all kinds of new things to cook in the crock pot and there's always the old favorite: toast.
George is waking up from a nap, so I better wrap it up...just wanted to at least get 1 blog out there, and hopefully it will motivate me to write more soon.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Heart Check-Up
I'm thinking about the state of my heart tonight. Proverbs 4:23 is such a profound verse - Guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.
With moving to Denver in less than 10 days, I hope that my heart is staying healthy. My goal and desire is to keep an open heart toward the precious people in my life. I also want to be healthy in how I process all this change. Even though it is painful, I want to experience everything...I don't want to go numb.
I'm a very deep feeler. I'm also a pretty deep thinker. Put these together and I can tend to be over-the-top analytical and emotional. (poor poor Shane) In order to try to balance myself out, I've developed some pretty handy defense systems. I can keep people at arm's length pretty easily if I want. If I feel like I'm in danger of being hurt or rejected I can build a wall around my heart quickly, and unlike Jericho, that wall could probably stand forever. In fact, I have several little tricks I can use to try to make myself less relational, sensitive and contemplative.
But I'm challenging myself to avoid all that. I want to feel what I feel. I want to think what I think. And if I go through a million boxes of tissues, or stay up all night thinking things through, analyzing the ending of a season and a beginning of another....that's OK. As long as I keep watch over my heart. That's the key. That's my line to survival right now.
Guarding my heart. Keeping a close eye on what is going in and out. I'm not allowing anything into my heart that might steal the joy of this new adventure. I'm choosing to be fully engaged with whoever I'm spending time with. No wall building, no stiff-arming. When I watched my brother and his family drive away Saturday, I let myself sob. For once, I didn't pull any self-preservation tricks. I felt it all. And for me...that's a good thing.
I need to keep my heart open, not only to those who are already near and dear to me, but to the new people I haven't met yet. People who call the Rocky Mountains home. People who God wants me to think of as neighbors, friends and family. When I land in Denver on the 29th, I want to bring with me the healthiest, most open heart I've ever had. Because out of that heart will flow refreshing, Living Water.
I'm realizing more and more that this isn't about me. Its about what flows out of me, into the lives of others.
With moving to Denver in less than 10 days, I hope that my heart is staying healthy. My goal and desire is to keep an open heart toward the precious people in my life. I also want to be healthy in how I process all this change. Even though it is painful, I want to experience everything...I don't want to go numb.
I'm a very deep feeler. I'm also a pretty deep thinker. Put these together and I can tend to be over-the-top analytical and emotional. (poor poor Shane) In order to try to balance myself out, I've developed some pretty handy defense systems. I can keep people at arm's length pretty easily if I want. If I feel like I'm in danger of being hurt or rejected I can build a wall around my heart quickly, and unlike Jericho, that wall could probably stand forever. In fact, I have several little tricks I can use to try to make myself less relational, sensitive and contemplative.
But I'm challenging myself to avoid all that. I want to feel what I feel. I want to think what I think. And if I go through a million boxes of tissues, or stay up all night thinking things through, analyzing the ending of a season and a beginning of another....that's OK. As long as I keep watch over my heart. That's the key. That's my line to survival right now.
Guarding my heart. Keeping a close eye on what is going in and out. I'm not allowing anything into my heart that might steal the joy of this new adventure. I'm choosing to be fully engaged with whoever I'm spending time with. No wall building, no stiff-arming. When I watched my brother and his family drive away Saturday, I let myself sob. For once, I didn't pull any self-preservation tricks. I felt it all. And for me...that's a good thing.
I need to keep my heart open, not only to those who are already near and dear to me, but to the new people I haven't met yet. People who call the Rocky Mountains home. People who God wants me to think of as neighbors, friends and family. When I land in Denver on the 29th, I want to bring with me the healthiest, most open heart I've ever had. Because out of that heart will flow refreshing, Living Water.
I'm realizing more and more that this isn't about me. Its about what flows out of me, into the lives of others.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Fast Forward
I just realized I haven't written a new blog in almost a month. Wow a lot can happen in a month...
...a house can be packed, moved, cleaned, holes patched and painted
...a dad and hubbie can drive to Denver with a huge moving truck, unload it (with help from Dad George and interns that Pastor Doug sent to do slave labor haha), and begin house hunting for a new place for all that stuff to be moved and unpacked yet again
...a husband can start his new job and really love it
...a little boy named George can adjust to his new surroundings in Graham and loves video chatting with his daddy
...a son can marry his beautiful bride and FINALLY give this mom a daughter-in-law
...a daughter can move back in with her parents for a short season, and experience such refreshing - as if the cleanest, purest, coolest water is being given to her to restore strength and hope to her
I feel like life has been on a fast forward for several weeks. Now that the wedding is over, and Shane is back in Denver until we fly to meet him, time is kind of standing still. It continues to be busy, in fact I have no weekends open between now and when we leave, and I just realized 4 of my dearest friends are coming to see me all in the same week to say goodbye. Now that will be a hard week.
Yesterday I took George to my grandpa's farm. We stayed with my mom's sister, my Aunt Sharon (who can make an incredible reuben sandwich by the way). I will never ever forget watching my grandpa interact with his great grandson. We all went for a walk today. My grandpa, at age 90, can still almost out walk me. He sets a good pace and he doesn't waver. We put George in the stroller, and it thrilled me that Grandpa wanted to push it the whole time. When we reached the end of Lutkens Road, he spun the stroller around a few times and really laughed. I just stared at the two Georges and cherished every second of it.
Then we let little George out for a bit, and my grandpa really wanted to give him a piggy back ride. My 20 month old didn't get the concept of that just yet, but we let him ride on Grandpa's shoulders for a few minutes. Really. My 20 month old, rode on his 90 year old Great Grandpa's shoulders today. And I cherished every second of it.
We ended the morning by letting little George throw rocks into the creek and watching Grandpa's dog swim. (Yes, the very same spot where probably almost 30 years ago I accidentally threw a rock right onto my brother's head and he had to get stitches.) Big George showed Little George how to throw the rocks in, and I really think my son thought he went to Heaven. Rocks. Dirt. A big yellow dog named Ranger. And of course water. Heaven for George.
I'll admit that I cried most of the way back to my parent's house. And I'm crying now. Because I've been blessed with places that don't change much, and always feel like home. Because I've grown up with a family that loves the Lord, and loves each other and anticipates how to serve one another. I have a rich heritage that I have a high regard for, that I long to pass on to my son.
And I will.
But as I pass it on to him, it won't be in the shadow of Mt. Rainier, it will be in the shadow of the Rocky Mountains. My location will change, but my heritage, the legacy my family has given me will not.
I'm getting too sleepy to think straight, but tonight I'm overwhelmed with thanksgiving as I think about all I was blessed to experience today with my son and our family.
...a house can be packed, moved, cleaned, holes patched and painted
...a dad and hubbie can drive to Denver with a huge moving truck, unload it (with help from Dad George and interns that Pastor Doug sent to do slave labor haha), and begin house hunting for a new place for all that stuff to be moved and unpacked yet again
...a husband can start his new job and really love it
...a little boy named George can adjust to his new surroundings in Graham and loves video chatting with his daddy
...a son can marry his beautiful bride and FINALLY give this mom a daughter-in-law
...a daughter can move back in with her parents for a short season, and experience such refreshing - as if the cleanest, purest, coolest water is being given to her to restore strength and hope to her
I feel like life has been on a fast forward for several weeks. Now that the wedding is over, and Shane is back in Denver until we fly to meet him, time is kind of standing still. It continues to be busy, in fact I have no weekends open between now and when we leave, and I just realized 4 of my dearest friends are coming to see me all in the same week to say goodbye. Now that will be a hard week.
Yesterday I took George to my grandpa's farm. We stayed with my mom's sister, my Aunt Sharon (who can make an incredible reuben sandwich by the way). I will never ever forget watching my grandpa interact with his great grandson. We all went for a walk today. My grandpa, at age 90, can still almost out walk me. He sets a good pace and he doesn't waver. We put George in the stroller, and it thrilled me that Grandpa wanted to push it the whole time. When we reached the end of Lutkens Road, he spun the stroller around a few times and really laughed. I just stared at the two Georges and cherished every second of it.
Then we let little George out for a bit, and my grandpa really wanted to give him a piggy back ride. My 20 month old didn't get the concept of that just yet, but we let him ride on Grandpa's shoulders for a few minutes. Really. My 20 month old, rode on his 90 year old Great Grandpa's shoulders today. And I cherished every second of it.
We ended the morning by letting little George throw rocks into the creek and watching Grandpa's dog swim. (Yes, the very same spot where probably almost 30 years ago I accidentally threw a rock right onto my brother's head and he had to get stitches.) Big George showed Little George how to throw the rocks in, and I really think my son thought he went to Heaven. Rocks. Dirt. A big yellow dog named Ranger. And of course water. Heaven for George.
I'll admit that I cried most of the way back to my parent's house. And I'm crying now. Because I've been blessed with places that don't change much, and always feel like home. Because I've grown up with a family that loves the Lord, and loves each other and anticipates how to serve one another. I have a rich heritage that I have a high regard for, that I long to pass on to my son.
And I will.
But as I pass it on to him, it won't be in the shadow of Mt. Rainier, it will be in the shadow of the Rocky Mountains. My location will change, but my heritage, the legacy my family has given me will not.
I'm getting too sleepy to think straight, but tonight I'm overwhelmed with thanksgiving as I think about all I was blessed to experience today with my son and our family.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Almost there
We got so much done today. I'm absolutely exhausted and I just realized I didn't sit much today, except to eat a little. This blog probably won't be very long. :)
My parents came over this morning. I've always known they were amazing people, but now...I REALLY know. On many levels. They just serve. And serve. And serve. No strings attached, no hidden motives (except my mom...all she wants is to play with George). They are cheerful, they are so refreshing, and the bottom line - they are unselfish. Oh I hope I'm as unselfish and loving as they are someday when I grow up.
Not sure if my dad has ever been in a liquor store or not, but he loaded up his truck with boxes from our neighborhood liquor store, and tonight it makes me laugh to think of it.
My dear friend Nancy came tonight as well. I don't think I'm emotionally ready to write about how much I'm going to miss her. Or how much I've relied on her for over 8 years. Or how I will always cherish her role in Shane and my dating/engagement/marriage. Or how my heart melts every time George asks for, "Nancy?" because he is a miracle that she unselfishly prayed about for years. Or how much I cannot picture my life without her popping in, and hearing her laugh, and listening to her hilarious stories. It takes a special friend to pack up all your coats, pantry and bathroom items and fragile knick knacks. I'm just thankful she ate half the bag of Cheddar Cheese Munchies with me so I didn't have to feel guilty about eating the whole thing alone.
We've had a small bump in the road this week. The woman who was going to rent us a home in Denver has backed out and wants to rent to her daughter instead. I understand. I really do. And in all honesty I'm kind of relieved. Now Shane will have about 6 weeks to find something that he knows we will like. And it will be OK. We're still going to Denver. We still know this is God's plan for us. Even if we're homeless. ha ha
But now its getting later and later and I want to watch my last episode of Survivor in my own purple bedroom.
My parents came over this morning. I've always known they were amazing people, but now...I REALLY know. On many levels. They just serve. And serve. And serve. No strings attached, no hidden motives (except my mom...all she wants is to play with George). They are cheerful, they are so refreshing, and the bottom line - they are unselfish. Oh I hope I'm as unselfish and loving as they are someday when I grow up.
Not sure if my dad has ever been in a liquor store or not, but he loaded up his truck with boxes from our neighborhood liquor store, and tonight it makes me laugh to think of it.
My dear friend Nancy came tonight as well. I don't think I'm emotionally ready to write about how much I'm going to miss her. Or how much I've relied on her for over 8 years. Or how I will always cherish her role in Shane and my dating/engagement/marriage. Or how my heart melts every time George asks for, "Nancy?" because he is a miracle that she unselfishly prayed about for years. Or how much I cannot picture my life without her popping in, and hearing her laugh, and listening to her hilarious stories. It takes a special friend to pack up all your coats, pantry and bathroom items and fragile knick knacks. I'm just thankful she ate half the bag of Cheddar Cheese Munchies with me so I didn't have to feel guilty about eating the whole thing alone.
We've had a small bump in the road this week. The woman who was going to rent us a home in Denver has backed out and wants to rent to her daughter instead. I understand. I really do. And in all honesty I'm kind of relieved. Now Shane will have about 6 weeks to find something that he knows we will like. And it will be OK. We're still going to Denver. We still know this is God's plan for us. Even if we're homeless. ha ha
But now its getting later and later and I want to watch my last episode of Survivor in my own purple bedroom.
Friday, April 2, 2010
"It really sucks"
I have been un-motivated to start packing. So I asked my dad to come over today and help me. He is a master packer.
We began with books. I love books. We have a LOT of books. And George did not like the idea of the books going into boxes. So as my dad packed, I was just Mommy because George wouldn't let me do much packing.
I made a stew in the crock pot when George was sleeping, and I helped direct Pops toward what should be packed in what kind of container...but other than that, I didn't contribute a whole lot. BUT, I do feel very motivated now. I'm an all-or-nothing kind of gal. I don't generally begin projects and leave them unfinished. There are now boxes all...over...my...house. And I want the job done. So I'm motivated!
My pops and I received such a joyful phone call while packing books. My brother and his wife are expecting baby #4. And its a BOY! Of course a part of me grieves that I won't be as hands on with my nephew as I was able to be with my 3 nieces. But I am also comforted that my parents will have a baby grandson relatively nearby.
This afternoon my mom came by and she took care of George so we could pack as much as possible. Once I stood at the top of the stairs and listened to them play downstairs. I just cried. I can still clearly remember the emotions I had for several years when we thought maybe we wouldn't be able to have children. Listening to my mom play with George today made me feel 2 things: First, relief and incredible peace and joy at the simple fact that George exists, and my mom can play with him. Second, longing and pain at the realization that I won't hear the sound of them together as often as I have these past 18 months.
Tomorrow is going to be quite emotional as well. Its a bridal shower for my future daughter-in-law. I can't count how many times I prayed for her to arrive on the scene. And now that she's here, its breaking my heart that I won't get to be close by for their first years of marriage. Sigh.
Anyway...I'm not super gloomy tonight, but I am going to need a good long cry I think.
My dad always helps bring a smile to my face. Today as I was feeding George lunch, Pops came downstairs to get more boxes. I thanked him for helping us pack and he acknowledged that its hard to help his daughter's family move across the country. "It really sucks" he said with a huge grin and kept on packing.
At least we're all smiling! Even if "it really sucks".
We began with books. I love books. We have a LOT of books. And George did not like the idea of the books going into boxes. So as my dad packed, I was just Mommy because George wouldn't let me do much packing.
I made a stew in the crock pot when George was sleeping, and I helped direct Pops toward what should be packed in what kind of container...but other than that, I didn't contribute a whole lot. BUT, I do feel very motivated now. I'm an all-or-nothing kind of gal. I don't generally begin projects and leave them unfinished. There are now boxes all...over...my...house. And I want the job done. So I'm motivated!
My pops and I received such a joyful phone call while packing books. My brother and his wife are expecting baby #4. And its a BOY! Of course a part of me grieves that I won't be as hands on with my nephew as I was able to be with my 3 nieces. But I am also comforted that my parents will have a baby grandson relatively nearby.
This afternoon my mom came by and she took care of George so we could pack as much as possible. Once I stood at the top of the stairs and listened to them play downstairs. I just cried. I can still clearly remember the emotions I had for several years when we thought maybe we wouldn't be able to have children. Listening to my mom play with George today made me feel 2 things: First, relief and incredible peace and joy at the simple fact that George exists, and my mom can play with him. Second, longing and pain at the realization that I won't hear the sound of them together as often as I have these past 18 months.
Tomorrow is going to be quite emotional as well. Its a bridal shower for my future daughter-in-law. I can't count how many times I prayed for her to arrive on the scene. And now that she's here, its breaking my heart that I won't get to be close by for their first years of marriage. Sigh.
Anyway...I'm not super gloomy tonight, but I am going to need a good long cry I think.
My dad always helps bring a smile to my face. Today as I was feeding George lunch, Pops came downstairs to get more boxes. I thanked him for helping us pack and he acknowledged that its hard to help his daughter's family move across the country. "It really sucks" he said with a huge grin and kept on packing.
At least we're all smiling! Even if "it really sucks".
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
2 weeks from today
Two weeks from today, our belongings will (hopefully) be all packed into a big truck. Then on April 15, Shane and my Pops will drive to Denver! Shane's first day of work is April 19.
George and I will stay with my parents until May 29 because the house in Denver will be ready for us then. So...I'm looking at several weeks without my hubbie. He will fly back for Casey's wedding of course, but other than that, we'll have to be content with letters, e-mails and video chats.
Our house is up for sale, and we are asking the Lord for a miracle. Its kinda challenging to pack and yet keep the house looking nice in case anyone wants to look at it. But considering no one has looked at it yet...I'll be honest and say the kitchen isn't as clean as it should be tonight. :)
We definitely have a lot of thoughts and emotions going on right now. This past weekend we went to my Grandpa's farm in Elbe. I started blogging about it, but wasn't able to get very far because of the tears and the ache in my heart.
For someone like me who grew up in the same house, attended school with the same people since Kindergarten, went only 2 hours away to a small college, and then came back and not much had changed.....this move to Denver is a pretty big deal. But I do like adventure. And I do believe it's God's plan for our lives. So I'm OK.
Two weeks from today I will say goodbye to this tall, skinny, green house that I have both loved and hated at times. The Lord helped me overcome depression here. Two of our 3 older sons lived with us here. We have lovingly tended all the landscaping and plants and trees. So many family and friends have come to stay here. Counseling sessions, leadership training, and countless other pastoral stuff happened here. My little boy lived his first 18 months here and I can point to the exact spot he first held up his own head, or crawled, or said Mama. I started running in this neighborhood and have loved the outdoor market every summer. Engine House 9 was our regular restaurant. I've gotten to know my neighbors. Sigh...so many memories. I sure am sentimental tonight!!
Two weeks from today there's no looking back! Well...I'm sure I'll still look back and remember. But there will be much more looking forward and just living.
George and I will stay with my parents until May 29 because the house in Denver will be ready for us then. So...I'm looking at several weeks without my hubbie. He will fly back for Casey's wedding of course, but other than that, we'll have to be content with letters, e-mails and video chats.
Our house is up for sale, and we are asking the Lord for a miracle. Its kinda challenging to pack and yet keep the house looking nice in case anyone wants to look at it. But considering no one has looked at it yet...I'll be honest and say the kitchen isn't as clean as it should be tonight. :)
We definitely have a lot of thoughts and emotions going on right now. This past weekend we went to my Grandpa's farm in Elbe. I started blogging about it, but wasn't able to get very far because of the tears and the ache in my heart.
For someone like me who grew up in the same house, attended school with the same people since Kindergarten, went only 2 hours away to a small college, and then came back and not much had changed.....this move to Denver is a pretty big deal. But I do like adventure. And I do believe it's God's plan for our lives. So I'm OK.
Two weeks from today I will say goodbye to this tall, skinny, green house that I have both loved and hated at times. The Lord helped me overcome depression here. Two of our 3 older sons lived with us here. We have lovingly tended all the landscaping and plants and trees. So many family and friends have come to stay here. Counseling sessions, leadership training, and countless other pastoral stuff happened here. My little boy lived his first 18 months here and I can point to the exact spot he first held up his own head, or crawled, or said Mama. I started running in this neighborhood and have loved the outdoor market every summer. Engine House 9 was our regular restaurant. I've gotten to know my neighbors. Sigh...so many memories. I sure am sentimental tonight!!
Two weeks from today there's no looking back! Well...I'm sure I'll still look back and remember. But there will be much more looking forward and just living.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Red Rocks, here we come
When I married Shane 7 years ago, I had a feeling this season would come. And its finally here. We are packing up and relocating to Denver, Colorado.
I promise to blog in more detail in the coming days, but here is a brief rundown:
About 6 weeks ago or so, a friend of mine let us know that her grandma's home was sitting vacant in Denver. After a few phone calls we realized that if we wanted it, we could have it. The owner has agreed to let us buy it, or rent to own. Either way....its a very wonderful house that is basically on hold just for us.
I went to Bible College with a fella who left Portland to plant a church in Denver this past Fall. We had a video chat with him and realized that if we moved we would have a church that feels like "home" instantly. We would also have several friends because we know many of the church planting team.
Another fella I've known (for about 20 years) started a landscaping business in Denver about 10 years ago. He offered Shane a job 2 weeks ago. Shane has always wanted to be in the landscaping business, and he'll be doing lots of things that he is really looking forward to. There's a chance that I'll be offered a part-time job that I can do from home as well!
So now...our current home is on the market. I will not be surprised if it sells for a great price and we leave town with a profit in our pockets. With all the miracles the Lord has done for us in the past 6 weeks...why wouldn't He do another one?
I better get crackin on my to do list for this evening. I look forward to blogging in more detail so you can read for yourself the extent of the absolute miracles the Lord is working on our behalf. If Shane and I ever doubted for a second how incredible His love is for us - those doubts have been smashed for sure.
I promise to blog in more detail in the coming days, but here is a brief rundown:
About 6 weeks ago or so, a friend of mine let us know that her grandma's home was sitting vacant in Denver. After a few phone calls we realized that if we wanted it, we could have it. The owner has agreed to let us buy it, or rent to own. Either way....its a very wonderful house that is basically on hold just for us.
I went to Bible College with a fella who left Portland to plant a church in Denver this past Fall. We had a video chat with him and realized that if we moved we would have a church that feels like "home" instantly. We would also have several friends because we know many of the church planting team.
Another fella I've known (for about 20 years) started a landscaping business in Denver about 10 years ago. He offered Shane a job 2 weeks ago. Shane has always wanted to be in the landscaping business, and he'll be doing lots of things that he is really looking forward to. There's a chance that I'll be offered a part-time job that I can do from home as well!
So now...our current home is on the market. I will not be surprised if it sells for a great price and we leave town with a profit in our pockets. With all the miracles the Lord has done for us in the past 6 weeks...why wouldn't He do another one?
I better get crackin on my to do list for this evening. I look forward to blogging in more detail so you can read for yourself the extent of the absolute miracles the Lord is working on our behalf. If Shane and I ever doubted for a second how incredible His love is for us - those doubts have been smashed for sure.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Ahhhh....Ordinary-ness
I am loving this week. I finally feel like both my feet are on the ground, my brain is functioning (well...don't ask Shane if it is), and I'm being spirit-led rather than soul-led.
The weekend at the Oregon coast was truly great. The only thing that I can complain about was the 2 hour delay for the train I took to Portland. BUT, even that turned out great. I sat next to a sweet lady who owns a coffee/gift/flower shop just blocks from our home. We chatted once the train actually started moving, and it was enjoyable (sometimes chatting with strangers on trains isn't the best idea).
My weekend ended with a night at my brother's home. Lucky me they had a church service and I was able to stay home and have a girl's ONLY night with my 3 cutie nieces. I loved every minute of it, and was kinda sad when M&M came home and the party had to end.
This week I've been at the track every morning running, sprinting, doing circuit training...really anything I can do to keep my heart rate up. With Casey's wedding in 8 weeks all I can think about is those family pictures that I have to be in and how much I'd like to enjoy looking at them for years to come. It's quite motivating.
Today George and I walked to the shop of my train-traveling friend. She was so happy to see us and I hope to generate some business for her. If you live in Tacoma, visit her at A Rhapsody in Bloom on 6th Ave. Then we went to the park and as George says, we "climb up" everything. And I do mean everything, literally. Wow I'm tired.
On our way home, I passed a home that was cooking something that smelled familiar. It took me a minute to realize that the food reminded me of something in Uganda. Amazing how one little smell could bring memories rushing in. I still feel nostalgic about it, and my age-old (it seems) longing to serve the people of that continent is still very much alive.
I can remember longing for the day I could take my own son to a park, or have time to get myself back in shape, or pack extra cookies in my hubbie's lunch. So...an ordinary blog, to celebrate the fact that I get to live an ordinary week!!! No doctor's appointments, no anxious waiting, no stressful meetings....ahhhhh. Just living the life that's before me.
The weekend at the Oregon coast was truly great. The only thing that I can complain about was the 2 hour delay for the train I took to Portland. BUT, even that turned out great. I sat next to a sweet lady who owns a coffee/gift/flower shop just blocks from our home. We chatted once the train actually started moving, and it was enjoyable (sometimes chatting with strangers on trains isn't the best idea).
My weekend ended with a night at my brother's home. Lucky me they had a church service and I was able to stay home and have a girl's ONLY night with my 3 cutie nieces. I loved every minute of it, and was kinda sad when M&M came home and the party had to end.
This week I've been at the track every morning running, sprinting, doing circuit training...really anything I can do to keep my heart rate up. With Casey's wedding in 8 weeks all I can think about is those family pictures that I have to be in and how much I'd like to enjoy looking at them for years to come. It's quite motivating.
Today George and I walked to the shop of my train-traveling friend. She was so happy to see us and I hope to generate some business for her. If you live in Tacoma, visit her at A Rhapsody in Bloom on 6th Ave. Then we went to the park and as George says, we "climb up" everything. And I do mean everything, literally. Wow I'm tired.
On our way home, I passed a home that was cooking something that smelled familiar. It took me a minute to realize that the food reminded me of something in Uganda. Amazing how one little smell could bring memories rushing in. I still feel nostalgic about it, and my age-old (it seems) longing to serve the people of that continent is still very much alive.
I can remember longing for the day I could take my own son to a park, or have time to get myself back in shape, or pack extra cookies in my hubbie's lunch. So...an ordinary blog, to celebrate the fact that I get to live an ordinary week!!! No doctor's appointments, no anxious waiting, no stressful meetings....ahhhhh. Just living the life that's before me.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Appreciation
Tonight I'm longing for change. I have to be honest...I'm not who I want to be, I'm not where I want to be, and I know there's hard work ahead.
I'm heading to the ocean tomorrow with one of my dearest friends. I have a few friends who God has given to me to walk through this life with. Each one is unique. Each one is drastically different than the other. And I love each one with all of my heart because I consider them priceless treasures.
I'm going to Lincoln City, to a small hotel called The Overlook. I think I've gone there for over 12 years.
I remember going there as a single woman, dreaming of and longing for the love of my life. I recall staying there before my second trip to Africa as I considered different paths my life might take. And I also cherish the memory of being there when I was pregnant with an absolute miracle baby, celebrating 5 years of marriage (and trying to have fun regardless of the constant nausea I was plagued with).
Tomorrow when I arrive with my dear friend, I know I will look out at the familiar scene and wonder. I will wonder at the beauty, expanse and fierceness of the ocean...which all points to an incredible Creator. The Creator of this world. The Creator of me. The One who knows me intimately. The only One who fashioned me and knows every day that is ordained for me.
Once an aspiring young minister told me, "It's not the destination that's important, it is all about the journey."
But now I realize that sometimes you have to reach your destination before you fully appreciate the journey.
I want to fully appreciate my journey. But I also know I'm not at my destination yet. So I'll keep my eyes on the horizon...and I'll come back refreshed and ready for some hard work.
I'm heading to the ocean tomorrow with one of my dearest friends. I have a few friends who God has given to me to walk through this life with. Each one is unique. Each one is drastically different than the other. And I love each one with all of my heart because I consider them priceless treasures.
I'm going to Lincoln City, to a small hotel called The Overlook. I think I've gone there for over 12 years.
I remember going there as a single woman, dreaming of and longing for the love of my life. I recall staying there before my second trip to Africa as I considered different paths my life might take. And I also cherish the memory of being there when I was pregnant with an absolute miracle baby, celebrating 5 years of marriage (and trying to have fun regardless of the constant nausea I was plagued with).
Tomorrow when I arrive with my dear friend, I know I will look out at the familiar scene and wonder. I will wonder at the beauty, expanse and fierceness of the ocean...which all points to an incredible Creator. The Creator of this world. The Creator of me. The One who knows me intimately. The only One who fashioned me and knows every day that is ordained for me.
Once an aspiring young minister told me, "It's not the destination that's important, it is all about the journey."
But now I realize that sometimes you have to reach your destination before you fully appreciate the journey.
I want to fully appreciate my journey. But I also know I'm not at my destination yet. So I'll keep my eyes on the horizon...and I'll come back refreshed and ready for some hard work.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Another Stone
I've spent a lot of time building memorials in my life. There are times when the Lord asked me to never forget a lesson learned, or a truth revealed, or a promise fulfilled. In order to remember, I either journal about it or write in my Bible next to a reference. Or, sometimes I just fall on my face, worship Him and build the memorial in my heart. I have several that are in secret places in my heart. Places for only Him and me. Places of surrender. Places of worship.
One week ago today I was recovering from some very un-fun biopsies and I was truly worried about the outcome. Shane stayed home from work to be with me, and we were watching movies while I ate and ate and ate trying to bring myself some added comfort. (sigh. When will I learn not to turn to food for comfort?)
But now one week later, with a clean bill of health, I'm wondering what's next. I feel like my life was literally on hold for about 3 weeks. I cannot believe that we are this far into February.
I tried to explain to a friend today that I feel like the Lord has changed me. And changed me deeply. I'm not even sure I realize all the differences, but it is almost as though I'm wearing brand new glasses. I'm not only seeing things differently, I'm processing them in a whole new way. And I hope I'm able to walk out the change so everyone can see.
God keeps His promises. Each and every single one of them. Time for me to dust my promise/miracle journal off and re-read it. I'd like to see what He's promised that hasn't happened yet, and I'd like to start believing for those again.
Time to put up another altar, another memorial. So I know where I've been. So I never forget. So I continue to worship. And so I can move on.
One week ago today I was recovering from some very un-fun biopsies and I was truly worried about the outcome. Shane stayed home from work to be with me, and we were watching movies while I ate and ate and ate trying to bring myself some added comfort. (sigh. When will I learn not to turn to food for comfort?)
But now one week later, with a clean bill of health, I'm wondering what's next. I feel like my life was literally on hold for about 3 weeks. I cannot believe that we are this far into February.
I tried to explain to a friend today that I feel like the Lord has changed me. And changed me deeply. I'm not even sure I realize all the differences, but it is almost as though I'm wearing brand new glasses. I'm not only seeing things differently, I'm processing them in a whole new way. And I hope I'm able to walk out the change so everyone can see.
God keeps His promises. Each and every single one of them. Time for me to dust my promise/miracle journal off and re-read it. I'd like to see what He's promised that hasn't happened yet, and I'd like to start believing for those again.
Time to put up another altar, another memorial. So I know where I've been. So I never forget. So I continue to worship. And so I can move on.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
The Path
I'm rejoicing this afternoon over the path I don't have to take right now...the biopsies came back and all is well. No cancer, no pre-cancer, nothing abnormal.
I've had lots of time to think these past few weeks. I might have had cancer, and I had to look that possibility in the eye.
I'm too emotionally worn out this afternoon to write much.
But...
I feel like I can't thank the Lord enough
I want to never take my health for granted again
I want to be diligent to keep myself healthy as much as possible
I don't want to miss one moment with those I love
I want to live, and I mean really live...doing exactly what I was created to do, being exactly who I was created to be
And I want to stop typing and just play with George for the rest of the day. :)
I've had lots of time to think these past few weeks. I might have had cancer, and I had to look that possibility in the eye.
I'm too emotionally worn out this afternoon to write much.
But...
I feel like I can't thank the Lord enough
I want to never take my health for granted again
I want to be diligent to keep myself healthy as much as possible
I don't want to miss one moment with those I love
I want to live, and I mean really live...doing exactly what I was created to do, being exactly who I was created to be
And I want to stop typing and just play with George for the rest of the day. :)
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