A Purple Haze

I just lived the past 24 hours in a purple haze. Two of my nieces came to stay the night with us last night. The whole family is visiting for a few days out at my parents' home, so I was able to sneak a slumber party in.

The haziness began last night. My brother's family came to Shane's parents' home where we were finishing up the Stoddard family Christmas. The two little ladies' belongings were unloaded, goodbyes were said to their parents and GIRL TIME with Auntie Melodi began. Our car was loaded with 2 pink suitcases on wheels, 2 princess sleeping bags, 2 Hello Kitties, 2 "special" blankies, 2 booster carseats one on each side of George's carseat in the middle, and eventually we squished into our Volkswagen Jetta (which I think was almost touching the ground) and headed home. George didn't know what to do with 2 little princesses in Christmas dresses on either side of him. He began to get fussy and my sweet nieces sang to him all the way home...he was entranced.

George took a quick bath, probably due to the fact that there were 4 extra eyes watching his every move, handing him toys and continuing to sing at will. The next thing I knew, Shane was putting George to bed and I had two darlings dressed in Tinkerbell pajamas holding out their toes to be painted. We went to Aunt Melodi's Salon where every other nail was painted glittery purple and my two customers sipped sparkling apple cider out of my best china.

Once the nails were dry, out came the Hello Kitties and the special blankies while they watched the beginning of The Incredibles. When their eyelids were drooping, we told Shane he was banished to the guest room and declared the purple bedroom and bathroom to be GIRLS ONLY. Once we were all 3 in bed, Uncle Shane came to tuck us in and pray with us. The squealing was quite impressive. I fell asleep to the sound of two little angels sighing, whispering and giggling. It was Heaven, especially to a mom who is more used to the smells and sounds that accompany teenage boys.

This morning as they finished The Incredibles, Uncle Shane made pancakes in the shape of stars and hearts. These were devoured and then as George went outside with Shane, I prepared the first bubble bath in the famous purple bathroom. Not one, or two, but three different bubble bath soaps were added. Candles were lit, the pink towel was ready and the redheaded princess took a 30 minute bath. I'll never forget the look on Shane's face as I carried a special chocolate and another glass of sparkling apple cider to the bather. The second bather had the exact same experience as the first, and then we all three came downstairs to face the world. (My bath will happen after this blog...finally)

I forgot to mention the gifts we gave them. We didn't have much money for Christmas gifts this year, so we decided to make something for our 3 Daniels nieces. I bought miniature canvases and easles for Shane to paint on. He painted their first name initial along with flowers and hearts. Then he wrapped them in pretty tissue paper (which was at my insistence...he didn't think they needed to be wrapped...boys!!). I think his heart liquified as both girls ooohed and aaahed over the tissue paper. "Whoever wrapped this did a beautiful job," they said. Then they sighed and grinned from ear to ear when they saw what Shane had painted for them. It was absolutely precious to watch their reaction.

Sometimes I wish I was still a little girl content to play make-believe, waiting for my prince to show up on a white horse, twirling in pretty dresses, my heart free from unwanted fingerprints that left scars. But if I just stop and take a deep breath and listen...I can still hear the music that all little princesses hear when they twirl. I can still experience the simple joy of beautiful china. I can still revel in the security of a thoughtful, kind husband (even if he came driving a purple, wood-paneled mini-van instead of riding a powerful white horse).

I could do with more purple haze in my life. I just may paint my fingernails with glittery purple tonight too.

Running Man part 2

I went for a run this morning. My sister is coming to town for New Years and I better get in shape. I asked her to help me get on an exercise program, and I just know she's going to absolutely kill me. :) (and I want her to)

I decided to run around the track so I know for *sure* that I ran a mile without stopping. I was surprised to find the running man there. I blogged about him a while back. He's the one who is probably in his 60s or 70s and runs like a machine.

I didn't notice him at first, but as I was completing lap number one I saw him ahead of me. I desperately wanted to run faster and with more precision. But alas, wheezing and struggling I neared him. Then I realized that he was facing me. At first I was alarmed, but then I saw that He was walking very quickly...backwards. He had quite a pained look on his face.

I strode by him with all the grace of an elephant on ice, hoping he didn't notice my out-of-shape-ness. A few minutes later I was passing him again. He was still walking backwards.

I finished my mile and walked a lap before jogging to Engine House #9 for lunch with Shane and George. (no I didn't have cheese OR bread with my soup, therfore I'm sure I lost weight) As I walked I watched the Running Man. He had stopped walking backwards and I saw that he had a pronounced limp. Boy what a change from the Running Man I saw a while ago! He had a hard time walking. It was obviously painful for him.

He was walking backwards because that is what he could do. He could no longer run around the track looking like the Terminator who never gets tired. I kept staring at him as he bent and picked up some debris and started cleaning a section of the track. Even though he was in pain, and probably frustrated with his lack of ability, he did these things. He did what he could do, and he did what he needed to do.

And it inspired me yet again. If I see Running Man a third time, I'm going to talk to him. He has no idea that he is an inspiration to a stay-at-home mom trying to get some things in order in her life. I'm really thankful for Running Man. If he can do it, I can do it.

All I have to do is what I CAN. And what I NEED to do. And the Lord will give me the strength I need.

Keep It Simple Stupid

I haven't been blogging like I should. I feel like time is whizzing by and I'm not accomplishing much because I'm overwhelmed. It doesn't have that much to do with Christmas actually. Some things that have been on my mind, and weighing on my shoulders are:

How do I help George with better sleeping habits? We have had a season where he isn't sleeping at night much. It has been hard. I have been completely sleep deprived most of this month. But now things are back to normal and he and I are sleeping much better. I prayed a lot, some others prayed a lot, and I think the Lord helped give some solutions.

How can I give Christmas gifts that mean something, and will bless someone, yet won't cost very much?

I need to start contributing to our household financially again, so I've decided to start teaching piano. Oh...my mind is running crazy over this. I have ideas, but I mostly need to talk to a friend and let him mentor me a bit to get me started. I need students and I need them quickly. I'm nervous, excited, wary and anxious about it. That's not a great combination of emotions. :)

George is walking now. I'm noticing that he needs extra hands-on attention time from me in the afternoons/evenings. He is becoming antsy and wants more activity...but I can't always give it to him because of weather and because I don't have a car. I can't even express how desperate I am for spring and summer so we can go outside regularly again. I'm not afraid of rain/cold/wind...but he's had a cold on top of getting molars and going out hasn't been a good idea.

I'm making Christmas gifts for my brother's girls and I'm not super creative. But I have to get it done!

One of our sons is kind of back in touch with the family and it makes old emotions feel current again.

Those are a few things on my mind, and so much more that I won't write here.

And as I was putting George to bed tonight I was consumed with trying to figure it all out. My heart was racing and I was anxious to get that little guy to sleep. I thought he was asleep and I looked down and he had his finger up his nose. He saw me look at him and he started laughing. Then he kept putting his finger up his nose, over and over again. And laughing. And talking baby jibberish. It was absolutely hilarious.

I can't think of anything quite as simple as picking your nose and laughing about it! I simply needed to laugh tonight and get a fresh perspective. George definitely helps me with that regularly.

This is kind of a weird blog. My son picks his nose, makes me laugh and now I feel like everything will be OK. haha!!!

Trusting

Tonight I was struck by the realization that George trusts me for literally everything. I've known this, but for some reason tonight it hit home. Food, clothing, shelter, comfort, guidance, provision, emotional protection, healthy boundaries and discipline, basic needs, communication, help.....on and on the list goes. He is even beginning to learn how to jump into my arms. (I know, I know. Little boys and jumping can be treacherous!)

He put his head on my shoulder and sighed as I rocked him to sleep. I was overwhelmed by his contentment and awed by his level of trust.

I wrote a few days ago about the Lord doing some repair work in my life. I know that He's working overtime (well...figuratively speaking of course) on my level of trust with Him. And as He has been doing with me often lately, He is using every day occurrences to get the message through.

He wants me to realize that He is taking care of me and my family. He really is. It's not wishful thinking, it's fact. All I have to do is trust Him. For everything. Right now.

Wow that's easier said than done. I want to awe Him with my absolute trust...so I'll keep allowing Him to do what He wants to do in my life. Even when it feels like I'm free-falling...I know that those Everlasting Arms are beneath me to catch me. I may not have consciously jumped into His arms, but they're there just the same.

Cherishing

This morning 4 police officers were killed while in a coffee shop. Someone walked in, shot them and escaped. It has been on my mind all day. But not just the incident...I've been thinking of the families of those 4 officers. Obviously I cannot comprehend what it was like for them to receive the news that their loved one had been murdered. I cannot imagine the loss. I cannot relate to the depth of pain.

But I can do something. I can cherish my own loved ones even more. Here's what I cherished today:

The sound of my little son waking up and playing in his crib
The privilege of spending the morning with him, playing, eating breakfast and then cuddling him before his nap.
The thoughtfulness of my hubbie to play with George and keep him occupied while I took a very long bath.
Shane's willingness to load George up and go to the store for dryer sheets and lettuce...those are some seriously boring items, but he did it for me because he loves me. (and he loves buying George a Hot Wheel while at the store of course)
Looking out the window and seeing Dad and son playing in the front yard.
Both of us went to get George after his second nap and we laughed so hard at how he throws everything out of his crib and acts like its a big kill of some kind.
Re-arranging our living room so we can get a Christmas tree.
George turning the vacuum on and off and growling each time.
Chatting with my mom and hearing her excitement over her new stove (first new stove in over 30 years), and listening to Dad put something "too far back, Bob", as he helps re-arrange things in the cupboards.
Talking with my sis-toe and planning on seeing her really soon (thank GOD).
Hearing her hubbie in the background getting Taco Bell and knowing that he hopes we will come visit so he can see his nephew.
The 3 of us eating dinner together.
Shane laying on the ground playing with Hot Wheels while George tries to imitate everything his dad does.
Listening to Shane sing George to sleep.
Looking forward to an evening of relaxing with my best friend on earth, my sweet husband who pursues my heart.

These are pretty every-day occurrences for me. I think of the 4 families and their tragedy, and I can't thank God enough for helping me cherish these every-day treasures.

Repair Work

I've been running. Not just literally for exercise, but also in my spirit. I've been running from facing a few things.

Fear is a strange thing. I haven't had many fears in my life. My major fear (along with most women) is the fear of rejection. It may rear its ugly head now and again but it doesn't rule my life. I fear spiders and I startle pretty easily, but that's about it (that I know of). But last week I realized I was afraid to face some experiences I've had in the past few years, and I was avoiding allowing the Lord, or anyone close to me, to walk me through them.

Last week I finally noticed that I've been running fast and hard...keeping busy, keeping my mind numb by food/drink/entertainment, reading everything BUT the Bible, doing everything EXCEPT quieting myself and allowing the Lord to get my attention. Well, He finally ran me right into a corner and I had to slow down and allow myself to get eye to eye with some stuff.

I didn't realize it until a friend came over and simply asked how I was doing. The next thing I know I'm not able to talk through my tears and the floodgates opened. I heard myself talking about things that I had considered old, gone, past business. But there it all was: wounds that still weren't healed, and some that had healed but had tender scars. It sure felt strange to be on the receiving end of a conversation like we had. I'm used to being the counselor or the pastor. I'm not used to (or comfortable with) baring my soul and suffering the humility of uncontrollable tears.

But I learned a few things from this friend, and then from another woman who "happened" to stop by the next night:
...The Lord isn't mad at or disappointed in me.
...He's waiting for me to come to Him, and He's got a gift for me if I'll receive it.
...I can run all I want, but He'll run me right into a corner because He loves me and won't let me get too far.
...I need older women in my life who I can trust, turn to, talk with and receive wisdom and prayer from.
...I don't need to know all my "issues". All I need to do is give it to Him, trust Him and stop running the opposite direction.
...I may have carried some heavy loads that left behind some pain, but that pain can be healed.

I'm in need of some repair work...and He's already started. All I had to do was stop avoiding His presence. There is no reason to fear - He is love, He is perfect love, and He is wanting me in the middle of that love.

Flashback

Tonight an old song came to mind as I rocked George to sleep. I didn't think I knew all the words until I started singing it. The words came to me, as well as a rush of memories.

I didn't grow up part of a local church. We visited some but weren't regularly tied in to any. My parents knew of a ministry called World MAP (Missionary Assistance Plan), and every summer this ministry had a week long family camp. I think I maybe missed one or two my entire 18 years at home. I'm sure it accounts for my love of missions and my heart for various nations. Every year that week grew more important to me, and I can honestly say much of my belief system today is due to things I learned during that family camp.

As I sang tonight I could almost smell the lodge up at Warm Beach (where the camp was held). I could clearly see the room that the teens met in and I could remember how I felt as I learned to worship the Lord among my peers. I could hear the voices around me; some people to whom I'm still close, others I've lost touch with. I could picture an entire week of fun, friendships, late nights, early mornings, camping, growth, change and so much more.

When I look back on that season of life it is full of nostalgia for me. The Melodi of that time was a dreamer, young, naive, full of the hope of adventure, outgoing, trusting, rather untested in trials, unfamiliar with sorrow, and unrealistic in several aspects. The Melodi who sang this song all those years ago was different than the one who sang it tonight. I've lived some life, walked through some sorrow, experienced deep joy, accomplished some things, failed some things.

Tonight, the words meant so much more than they ever have before. I see things differently after 15+ years of life. I'm sure I'll see things differently after the next 15. But one thing stays the same:

The Lord thy God
In the midst of thee
Is mighty, is mighty.

And I saw Him
High and lifted up
With power and strength and authority.

And He shall reign
In the midst of thee
Forever and ever amen

He is with me. Always. Right here in my midst. And He has everything I need. He is everything I need. And He never changes.