I'm thinking about the state of my heart tonight. Proverbs 4:23 is such a profound verse - Guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.
With moving to Denver in less than 10 days, I hope that my heart is staying healthy. My goal and desire is to keep an open heart toward the precious people in my life. I also want to be healthy in how I process all this change. Even though it is painful, I want to experience everything...I don't want to go numb.
I'm a very deep feeler. I'm also a pretty deep thinker. Put these together and I can tend to be over-the-top analytical and emotional. (poor poor Shane) In order to try to balance myself out, I've developed some pretty handy defense systems. I can keep people at arm's length pretty easily if I want. If I feel like I'm in danger of being hurt or rejected I can build a wall around my heart quickly, and unlike Jericho, that wall could probably stand forever. In fact, I have several little tricks I can use to try to make myself less relational, sensitive and contemplative.
But I'm challenging myself to avoid all that. I want to feel what I feel. I want to think what I think. And if I go through a million boxes of tissues, or stay up all night thinking things through, analyzing the ending of a season and a beginning of another....that's OK. As long as I keep watch over my heart. That's the key. That's my line to survival right now.
Guarding my heart. Keeping a close eye on what is going in and out. I'm not allowing anything into my heart that might steal the joy of this new adventure. I'm choosing to be fully engaged with whoever I'm spending time with. No wall building, no stiff-arming. When I watched my brother and his family drive away Saturday, I let myself sob. For once, I didn't pull any self-preservation tricks. I felt it all. And for me...that's a good thing.
I need to keep my heart open, not only to those who are already near and dear to me, but to the new people I haven't met yet. People who call the Rocky Mountains home. People who God wants me to think of as neighbors, friends and family. When I land in Denver on the 29th, I want to bring with me the healthiest, most open heart I've ever had. Because out of that heart will flow refreshing, Living Water.
I'm realizing more and more that this isn't about me. Its about what flows out of me, into the lives of others.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Fast Forward
I just realized I haven't written a new blog in almost a month. Wow a lot can happen in a month...
...a house can be packed, moved, cleaned, holes patched and painted
...a dad and hubbie can drive to Denver with a huge moving truck, unload it (with help from Dad George and interns that Pastor Doug sent to do slave labor haha), and begin house hunting for a new place for all that stuff to be moved and unpacked yet again
...a husband can start his new job and really love it
...a little boy named George can adjust to his new surroundings in Graham and loves video chatting with his daddy
...a son can marry his beautiful bride and FINALLY give this mom a daughter-in-law
...a daughter can move back in with her parents for a short season, and experience such refreshing - as if the cleanest, purest, coolest water is being given to her to restore strength and hope to her
I feel like life has been on a fast forward for several weeks. Now that the wedding is over, and Shane is back in Denver until we fly to meet him, time is kind of standing still. It continues to be busy, in fact I have no weekends open between now and when we leave, and I just realized 4 of my dearest friends are coming to see me all in the same week to say goodbye. Now that will be a hard week.
Yesterday I took George to my grandpa's farm. We stayed with my mom's sister, my Aunt Sharon (who can make an incredible reuben sandwich by the way). I will never ever forget watching my grandpa interact with his great grandson. We all went for a walk today. My grandpa, at age 90, can still almost out walk me. He sets a good pace and he doesn't waver. We put George in the stroller, and it thrilled me that Grandpa wanted to push it the whole time. When we reached the end of Lutkens Road, he spun the stroller around a few times and really laughed. I just stared at the two Georges and cherished every second of it.
Then we let little George out for a bit, and my grandpa really wanted to give him a piggy back ride. My 20 month old didn't get the concept of that just yet, but we let him ride on Grandpa's shoulders for a few minutes. Really. My 20 month old, rode on his 90 year old Great Grandpa's shoulders today. And I cherished every second of it.
We ended the morning by letting little George throw rocks into the creek and watching Grandpa's dog swim. (Yes, the very same spot where probably almost 30 years ago I accidentally threw a rock right onto my brother's head and he had to get stitches.) Big George showed Little George how to throw the rocks in, and I really think my son thought he went to Heaven. Rocks. Dirt. A big yellow dog named Ranger. And of course water. Heaven for George.
I'll admit that I cried most of the way back to my parent's house. And I'm crying now. Because I've been blessed with places that don't change much, and always feel like home. Because I've grown up with a family that loves the Lord, and loves each other and anticipates how to serve one another. I have a rich heritage that I have a high regard for, that I long to pass on to my son.
And I will.
But as I pass it on to him, it won't be in the shadow of Mt. Rainier, it will be in the shadow of the Rocky Mountains. My location will change, but my heritage, the legacy my family has given me will not.
I'm getting too sleepy to think straight, but tonight I'm overwhelmed with thanksgiving as I think about all I was blessed to experience today with my son and our family.
...a house can be packed, moved, cleaned, holes patched and painted
...a dad and hubbie can drive to Denver with a huge moving truck, unload it (with help from Dad George and interns that Pastor Doug sent to do slave labor haha), and begin house hunting for a new place for all that stuff to be moved and unpacked yet again
...a husband can start his new job and really love it
...a little boy named George can adjust to his new surroundings in Graham and loves video chatting with his daddy
...a son can marry his beautiful bride and FINALLY give this mom a daughter-in-law
...a daughter can move back in with her parents for a short season, and experience such refreshing - as if the cleanest, purest, coolest water is being given to her to restore strength and hope to her
I feel like life has been on a fast forward for several weeks. Now that the wedding is over, and Shane is back in Denver until we fly to meet him, time is kind of standing still. It continues to be busy, in fact I have no weekends open between now and when we leave, and I just realized 4 of my dearest friends are coming to see me all in the same week to say goodbye. Now that will be a hard week.
Yesterday I took George to my grandpa's farm. We stayed with my mom's sister, my Aunt Sharon (who can make an incredible reuben sandwich by the way). I will never ever forget watching my grandpa interact with his great grandson. We all went for a walk today. My grandpa, at age 90, can still almost out walk me. He sets a good pace and he doesn't waver. We put George in the stroller, and it thrilled me that Grandpa wanted to push it the whole time. When we reached the end of Lutkens Road, he spun the stroller around a few times and really laughed. I just stared at the two Georges and cherished every second of it.
Then we let little George out for a bit, and my grandpa really wanted to give him a piggy back ride. My 20 month old didn't get the concept of that just yet, but we let him ride on Grandpa's shoulders for a few minutes. Really. My 20 month old, rode on his 90 year old Great Grandpa's shoulders today. And I cherished every second of it.
We ended the morning by letting little George throw rocks into the creek and watching Grandpa's dog swim. (Yes, the very same spot where probably almost 30 years ago I accidentally threw a rock right onto my brother's head and he had to get stitches.) Big George showed Little George how to throw the rocks in, and I really think my son thought he went to Heaven. Rocks. Dirt. A big yellow dog named Ranger. And of course water. Heaven for George.
I'll admit that I cried most of the way back to my parent's house. And I'm crying now. Because I've been blessed with places that don't change much, and always feel like home. Because I've grown up with a family that loves the Lord, and loves each other and anticipates how to serve one another. I have a rich heritage that I have a high regard for, that I long to pass on to my son.
And I will.
But as I pass it on to him, it won't be in the shadow of Mt. Rainier, it will be in the shadow of the Rocky Mountains. My location will change, but my heritage, the legacy my family has given me will not.
I'm getting too sleepy to think straight, but tonight I'm overwhelmed with thanksgiving as I think about all I was blessed to experience today with my son and our family.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
