My Reality

This blog is about the bare bones of my little world.

It has been a hard week. My neck and back have been giving me pain for over a month straight. So much so that I can't walk sometimes, and I cannot clean my house or do simple things like lift George to his changing table. Our finances are meager, we're both seeking different ways to make more money. I've been working hard to figure out some kind of health insurance we can qualify for. Some relationships are strained and need healing.

Shane is having a meeting with someone this morning. I've been praying on and off all night and morning about this confrontation because its a big deal that it goes well. I decided to let George spend the morning with his Grandpa so I could get some things done around the house...my back has been improving over the last 24 hours (probably due to the fact that I've been begging Jesus for a miracle so I can at least function!).

Anyway...I'm cutting coupons, going online and printing coupons and trying to put together a grocery list based on what's on sale...which if you've ever done, you know how much brain power is needed for such a task. When all of a sudden I feel a small nudge from the Holy Spirit. I put down my scissors and just waited on Him for a minute. It seemed like He wanted me to go to the piano and worship. Usually this would've been a small battle for me to fight because I'm so task oriented. Usually I would say, "OK, Lord. I'll do it as soon as all the coupons are ready." But this isn't a usual season of life. We're desperate for the presence of Jesus.

So I put everything away and went to the piano. My piano. I cry just thinking of how much worshipping Jesus on my piano means to me.
...I have years of memories when I was in Jr. and Sr. High School, of worshipping together with special friends. We would get out worship books and sing for hours.
...In college I would go to the classroom building and find a quiet spot and try to seek God for direction and purpose, while praising Him on the piano.
...Whenever I was stressed, nervous, hurting or confused I would go to the piano and worship until peace returned.
...And then of course is the time my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. I played and sang and tried to believe God for a miracle for hours, while she sat in her rocking chair, gazing at a pic of her 1st grandchild weeping.
...I used to play piano for worship at my church where I was an associate pastor. I loved those Sundays. Then sometimes I played when I was a youth pastor, and I would feel led to lead a song or have some prophetic moments from the piano.

But it has been years since I laid it all down. Literally. Laid down my expectations. Laid down my demands. Laid down my tasks. Laid down my self-consciousness. And just spent time with Jesus in this way.

Until today.

My reality changed today when I was in His presence, playing the piano, worshipping Him. I'm no longer a stressed out, full-of-neck and back pain, worried about relationships, looking for a job from home girl. I'm a daughter of the King of Kings who is taking care of me and my household. I'm a valued citizen of the Kingdom of God who has purpose and who is called by the Almighty God to bring glory to Him.

Shane is still meeting with that person, I still have a grocery list to make and lots of coupons to juggle, while trying to take enough ibuprofen to get through the grocery store. BUT...in my spirit I'm singing, "Your love Oh Lord reaches to the Heavens. Your faithfulness stretches to the sky. Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains. And your justice flows like the ocean's tide."

And my world looks quite different.

The Little Rental That Could

Today I did something that I haven't done in several years. I opened my home. We had 3 sets of neighbors come over and we served them hot apple cider, banana bread, apple bread, cupcakes for George's birthday. We gave them all little gifts and basically just hung out for nearly 3 hours.

A tremendous amount of work has been done on this little rental to make it presentable to others. Its a small miracle that we were able to have people over and feel great about it.

But the biggest miracle of all is that a chapter has ended for me. I wanted/needed a season where I felt like my home was safe, my time was strictly for my little family and a few select friends and...its going to aound horrible and selfish, but its been several years since I had any desire to open my home and have people around.

I'm not exactly sure what prompted my over-protectiveness of my home. Maybe it was the years of pastoring when I felt like my time and space belonged to an entire church of people. Maybe it was from blended family issues. Maybe it was simply because I had a little baby and wanted his first years to be relatively calm and ordered. But regardless of all that analytical stuff....

It was really really really fun. Shane has a very special gift of hospitality, and I absolutely loved watching him serve our neighbors today. And little George is such a people person...he ran from room to room barely able to contain his excitement that our home was full of people.

I would never have thought this little rental, which still doesn't necessarily feel like home to me, could be the setting that the Lord would use to get me functioning again in the hospitality way.

But isn't that just like Him? He uses whatever He wants to bring beauty and joy to others. Even a little rental house for a little family trying to serve Him and find His purpose in hard times.

Lets Have a Beautiful Life

As usual its been way too long since I've written anything. I needed a jump start to get going again and tonight I got it.

I was driving to my sis-in-law's home to watch the premier of Biggest Loser. My mind was on whether or not Shane could calm George down enough to get him to sleep at a decent time...when I drove off they were wrestling and it didn't look to me like it was ending any time soon. But straight ahead of me was something that got my attention. I had seen it about a month ago, but the setting was very different then.

My sweet nephew was born on Aug 16. George and I were able to fly to Portland in time for his birth, and then we stayed in the NW for almost a month before Shane joined us and we all flew back to Colorado together. The trip was a life-changing, encouraging, rejuvenating time for me. I might write about some of my experiences, but tonight I need to write about what I saw.

Its something I've seen before. And I pray I will see it often again. Over the years it has inspired me, comforted me, and this time it helped heal me.



What I saw a month ago from my parents' front yard was the full moon rising over Mt. Rainier. I grew up with beautiful views of the Mountain, and I am accustomed to seeing sights such as these. However this time, my eyes couldn't stop staring and my heart drank it in. Interesting how true it is that you don't know what you have (sometimes) until its gone. I even slept with my shades open that night so if I woke up I could look outside and continue to gaze.

So tonight, I'm driving, my mind going a million miles a minute and I look up. I see a beautiful full moon and it brought tears to my eyes to realize that its the same moon...just a different setting. I stopped at a stop light and looked all around. Ahead of me is this gorgeous moon. Behind me are the Rocky Mountains and the sun is setting behind them. Above me is an absolutely stunning evening sky, complete with pink, orange and purple clouds. And believe it or not, there was even a little lightning and thunder (my mom would've loved that part).

The whole scene was breathtaking.

And something clicked. A spark finally lit. With all of my heart I loved being here. A song was playing from the CD I put in the car. One of my dearest friends made it for me a few years back. The singer was singing, "Its the time we were made for....Lets have a beautiful life....We all have the chance to do the things we were meant to do....We all have the chance to be the people we were meant to be....Its the time we were made for. Lets have a beautiful life."

I intend to do just that.

Home Sweet Home

This morning I went to church with George. Shane had to work, and our friend GN who is here visiting went to pull weeds (crazy guy) with Shane.

I have been very homesick the past few weeks. The adrenaline of moving, fixing the kitchen, learning my way around etc is wearing off. I've been trying to stuff all my emotions way down so as not to burden anyone, but this weekend the stuffing backfired. After my huge cry session last night while everyone was sleeping, I woke up this morning and knew today would be interesting. My emotions weren't only on my sleeve that's for sure.

A fella I went to PBC with is the pastor of the church we're starting to attend. I took piano lessons from his wife. The youth pastors are the ones I invited to speak at the summer youth camps we had when I was a youth pastor in Tacoma. So there are lots of familiar faces, along with the same "spiritual DNA" so-to-speak having come from the same college and church in Portland.

I wasn't looking where I was going when I first walked into the service, and I ran right into the pastor. We hadn't met yet since my moving here, so he gives us a huge greeting hug and asks how I'm doing. He was so kind. So sincere. And I was an emotional train wreck. I cannot talk while crying. So I'm standing there trying to answer him and all I can get out is, "Fine. I'm fine." And I start crying. He just hugged us and prayed for us and darn it I couldn't stop crying. So I still haven't really visited with him, but I'm sure I will.

I took George to the nursery not knowing if he would let me leave or not. But as soon as I put him down, he went up to a little girl and started rolling around on the ground with her, playing with toys and completely forgetting I was there! It was a miracle to say the least.

For the first time in a very long time, I was able to sit and listen to a sermon and enjoy it and grow from it. The message had to do with the portion of Scripture where Jesus asks the disciples who they think He is. And it is making me stop and think tonight. Who is Jesus to me? Who am I allowing Him to be? Who does He want to be? How does He want to reveal Himself to me in this season of my life when I so desperately need Him?

My homesickness is normal and natural and will probably be around for a bit. But I remembered today that I can find my home in His presence. No matter where in this world I am. He is my husband, He is my friend, He is my Father...He is my home. Seems simple and elementary, but today it was breath and life to me. Today it gave me hope.

And hope is the foundation of faith. And this season is faith-building for sure.

So I'm thankful for this church that felt like home. For old acquaintances/friends who will become new friends. For reminders that bring hope and healing. And for the King of Kings who lets this heart find rest in His home.

My Pain in the Neck...What a Relief

For about the past 8 years I've had chronic neck problems. Usually stress sets it off, but with the help of a loving, caring hubbie who tells me to "calm down and slow down", and the work of a phenomenal chiropractor/sports injury specialist, the occurences of my neck going out, or muscles being pulled have diminished over the past few years.

But yesterday morning when I turned my head, I felt something shift and I knew I was in trouble. I went to my new job anyway of course, and spent 4.5ish hours caring for George and 2 little girls 3 years old and 2 months old. It was kinda challenging to pretend that I wasn't in pain, and I'm sure ML noticed that I couldn't move my head and my smile was kinda strained, but I had a blast with those girls and was over-the-top thankful for my first paycheck since May 2008.

Shane's boss and his wife have hired me to come to their house a few days a week to take care of their precious daughters so she can do all the bookkeeping/admin for their landscaping business. George absolutely loves going there, and every morning asks for each girl by name. And what an answer to prayer that I can contribute to my family financially, my son has interaction with other children regularly and we are blessing a great family who are trying to run a business.

But yesterday was pretty hard on my physically. So today, I took it easy. George and I stayed home all day. For me, this equals BLISS. I am a true introvert and my batteries get charged when I have time alone. I do enjoy spending time with people of course, but if I can't have a little time completely and totally alone...after a while I am burned out.

George took a 3 hour nap this afternoon and I had time to be alone and think/reflect. Here's what I came up with:

...I am extremely thankful that my husband is happy and content to live where he's always wanted to live, and to raise his son where he always dreamed about raising a son.
...The Rocky Mountains are absolutely GORGEOUS and even though I grew up under Mt. Rainier and will always favor it, I am thrilled to live with these majestic mountains in my view
...My family is the best family to live on this planet. Not only the Daniels/Nyman family, but my in-laws who love us and have welcomed us to Colorado with open arms and a willingness to help and serve. Can I just say how wonderful it is that George gets to grow up surrounded with loving extended family??
...I miss my dad, mom, brother and his fam, so much that I can't think about it too often right now
...What a relief that Casey and Cam are happily married. I'm not sure I could've left with a son hoping/dreaming/wishing for his bride to appear. She appeared and my heart is at rest
...Our needs are always met by our Jehovah, our God. Whether its through people who have given their lives to Him or not.
...In 2 weeks my Fiend of Fiends, one of the best friends I've ever had JC is coming to visit me for several days. I know it will be refreshing, fun and absolutely relieving to have her here. I'm sure we will cry and laugh and pray our heads off.
...Then one of my longest and truest friends ever GN will come for a few weeks. He has been a friend, father, brother and inspiration to me throughout the years. I cannot wait for him to arrive and fill this house with laughter. But most of all...he will bring with him the Presence of Jesus and the hope of new life in Him.
...What you sow, you will reap. Years ago when I was still in high school, we opened our home up to a young lady in need. I loved her like a sister...and still do even though I don't talk to her as often as I should. This week I received a box in the mail containing 2 huge boxes of diapers. Then today a sandbox for George arrived FedEx. They were all from her. To bless us. And I've never cried so much in awe and thankfulness. I only wish I could wrap my arms around her and hug the heehaw out of her. It not only met a need we had, but it brought hope and healing to my heart. I haven't called her to thank her yet, only because I can't talk and cry at the same time.

I don't like my neck to be out of alignment, and I'm definitely wishing I could go see Dr. Doyle right now and laugh with her about all kinds of stuff....but this pain in my neck today allowed me time to stop and consider all I have to be thankful for right now. And its a lot. And my heart feels full. So I'm ok with a little neck pain.

Some changin' goin' on

It seems to me that we have encountered every single challenge you could think of, as far as fixing up a house in order to live in it.

For example: The kitchen was absolutely horrible. The floor was filthy, previous tenants were smokers so everything was coated with a film of smoke, cupboards had probably never been cleaned, and lets not talk about the faucet, sink, counter and windows. But bless Shane's heart, he went ahead and moved the washer and dryer into their spot in the kitchen and decided to have those up and running at least.

My parents were still here when I decided to try a load of laundry. My dad was in the kitchen scrubbing the ceiling and walls, trying to prep for painting. My mom was sitting on a box somewhere crying, and George was napping. (Not really about my mom, but she probably wanted to!) I put a load in the washer and went to do something else. Pretty soon I heard water pouring out, and realized that the entire kitchen floor (which was disgustingly dirty) was getting flooded because the water was not draining down the pipe. My dad spent HOURS trying to troubleshoot and clean out that pipe....but we eventually had to just stand at the washer and listen for the pipe to fill up, shut the washer off, wait for water to go down the pipe, then start the washer again. Over. And over. And over. Until the rinse cycle was finished.

A few days later after my folks left, I was standing at the washer turning it off and on when Shane's dad George drove up. He comes over every day (which I love) and spends time with little George. He has done so very much for us, helping get this house live-able. He took one look at what I was doing and called the water/sewer people. They were here for over 4 hours trying to figure out the problem. Eventually, it was fixed.

This is just one of SEVERAL incidents and challenges. It has seemed that every time we think something is fixed and working, it really isn't. Things that should be simple are quite challenging, frustrating and time consuming. And the Lord is using these things to change us...transform us.

Some other dear people have been helping us along the way too. And they are like Jesus with skin on (as Glenda Malmin would say) to us. And they DO go to church every Sunday. :) But the bottom line isn't about the Sunday morning shindig. The bottom line is a lifestyle modeled after Christ. And I have oh so far to go in being like Him.

And my kitchen is all up and running now! Although this isn't the most recent pic...

Oh, the titles I could write...

My first blog from Littleton, Colorado!

I'm not sure where to start writing, so I'll make a list:

...It was really hard to say goodbyes to the people I'm close to, and the places I love and call home
...Shane and I are so glad to be together after 6 weeks apart. Those weeks were God-ordained. We grew and learned a lot. But we're glad the separation is over.
...George has done amazingly well - sleeping great, eating fine, doing well with getting acquainted with new people, loving the park just down the block, loving this little house we're in, and especially loving the special family that's over here!!
...My parents came with us and stayed for several days. I haven't let myself think too much about the miles that now separate us...but I'm very thankful for phone calls, texting and video chatting. I know I'll have to face it all soon enough, but for now I just keep busy and try not to think about how much I miss them and how much I cherish the years I had living close to them.

We are renting a house from one of Shane's cousins. The rent is very cheap with the agreement that we fix the house up while living in it. Shane did an incredible job of getting it livable before we arrived. It needed EVERYTHING from floors to paint to appliances and thank GOD for the new toilet. However, there wasn't enough time for him to work on the kitchen. Having the refrigerator in the garage (accessable only by going outside) wasn't near as challenging as having no high chair or table for my 21 month old Monkey.

I'm happy to say that the kitchen is now complete, except the stove we still need to pick up. I'm learning all kinds of new things to cook in the crock pot and there's always the old favorite: toast.

George is waking up from a nap, so I better wrap it up...just wanted to at least get 1 blog out there, and hopefully it will motivate me to write more soon.

Heart Check-Up

I'm thinking about the state of my heart tonight. Proverbs 4:23 is such a profound verse - Guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

With moving to Denver in less than 10 days, I hope that my heart is staying healthy. My goal and desire is to keep an open heart toward the precious people in my life. I also want to be healthy in how I process all this change. Even though it is painful, I want to experience everything...I don't want to go numb.

I'm a very deep feeler. I'm also a pretty deep thinker. Put these together and I can tend to be over-the-top analytical and emotional. (poor poor Shane) In order to try to balance myself out, I've developed some pretty handy defense systems. I can keep people at arm's length pretty easily if I want. If I feel like I'm in danger of being hurt or rejected I can build a wall around my heart quickly, and unlike Jericho, that wall could probably stand forever. In fact, I have several little tricks I can use to try to make myself less relational, sensitive and contemplative.

But I'm challenging myself to avoid all that. I want to feel what I feel. I want to think what I think. And if I go through a million boxes of tissues, or stay up all night thinking things through, analyzing the ending of a season and a beginning of another....that's OK. As long as I keep watch over my heart. That's the key. That's my line to survival right now.

Guarding my heart. Keeping a close eye on what is going in and out. I'm not allowing anything into my heart that might steal the joy of this new adventure. I'm choosing to be fully engaged with whoever I'm spending time with. No wall building, no stiff-arming. When I watched my brother and his family drive away Saturday, I let myself sob. For once, I didn't pull any self-preservation tricks. I felt it all. And for me...that's a good thing.

I need to keep my heart open, not only to those who are already near and dear to me, but to the new people I haven't met yet. People who call the Rocky Mountains home. People who God wants me to think of as neighbors, friends and family. When I land in Denver on the 29th, I want to bring with me the healthiest, most open heart I've ever had. Because out of that heart will flow refreshing, Living Water.

I'm realizing more and more that this isn't about me. Its about what flows out of me, into the lives of others.

Fast Forward

I just realized I haven't written a new blog in almost a month. Wow a lot can happen in a month...

...a house can be packed, moved, cleaned, holes patched and painted
...a dad and hubbie can drive to Denver with a huge moving truck, unload it (with help from Dad George and interns that Pastor Doug sent to do slave labor haha), and begin house hunting for a new place for all that stuff to be moved and unpacked yet again
...a husband can start his new job and really love it
...a little boy named George can adjust to his new surroundings in Graham and loves video chatting with his daddy
...a son can marry his beautiful bride and FINALLY give this mom a daughter-in-law
...a daughter can move back in with her parents for a short season, and experience such refreshing - as if the cleanest, purest, coolest water is being given to her to restore strength and hope to her

I feel like life has been on a fast forward for several weeks. Now that the wedding is over, and Shane is back in Denver until we fly to meet him, time is kind of standing still. It continues to be busy, in fact I have no weekends open between now and when we leave, and I just realized 4 of my dearest friends are coming to see me all in the same week to say goodbye. Now that will be a hard week.

Yesterday I took George to my grandpa's farm. We stayed with my mom's sister, my Aunt Sharon (who can make an incredible reuben sandwich by the way). I will never ever forget watching my grandpa interact with his great grandson. We all went for a walk today. My grandpa, at age 90, can still almost out walk me. He sets a good pace and he doesn't waver. We put George in the stroller, and it thrilled me that Grandpa wanted to push it the whole time. When we reached the end of Lutkens Road, he spun the stroller around a few times and really laughed. I just stared at the two Georges and cherished every second of it.

Then we let little George out for a bit, and my grandpa really wanted to give him a piggy back ride. My 20 month old didn't get the concept of that just yet, but we let him ride on Grandpa's shoulders for a few minutes. Really. My 20 month old, rode on his 90 year old Great Grandpa's shoulders today. And I cherished every second of it.

We ended the morning by letting little George throw rocks into the creek and watching Grandpa's dog swim. (Yes, the very same spot where probably almost 30 years ago I accidentally threw a rock right onto my brother's head and he had to get stitches.) Big George showed Little George how to throw the rocks in, and I really think my son thought he went to Heaven. Rocks. Dirt. A big yellow dog named Ranger. And of course water. Heaven for George.

I'll admit that I cried most of the way back to my parent's house. And I'm crying now. Because I've been blessed with places that don't change much, and always feel like home. Because I've grown up with a family that loves the Lord, and loves each other and anticipates how to serve one another. I have a rich heritage that I have a high regard for, that I long to pass on to my son.

And I will.

But as I pass it on to him, it won't be in the shadow of Mt. Rainier, it will be in the shadow of the Rocky Mountains. My location will change, but my heritage, the legacy my family has given me will not.

I'm getting too sleepy to think straight, but tonight I'm overwhelmed with thanksgiving as I think about all I was blessed to experience today with my son and our family.

Almost there

We got so much done today. I'm absolutely exhausted and I just realized I didn't sit much today, except to eat a little. This blog probably won't be very long. :)

My parents came over this morning. I've always known they were amazing people, but now...I REALLY know. On many levels. They just serve. And serve. And serve. No strings attached, no hidden motives (except my mom...all she wants is to play with George). They are cheerful, they are so refreshing, and the bottom line - they are unselfish. Oh I hope I'm as unselfish and loving as they are someday when I grow up.

Not sure if my dad has ever been in a liquor store or not, but he loaded up his truck with boxes from our neighborhood liquor store, and tonight it makes me laugh to think of it.

My dear friend Nancy came tonight as well. I don't think I'm emotionally ready to write about how much I'm going to miss her. Or how much I've relied on her for over 8 years. Or how I will always cherish her role in Shane and my dating/engagement/marriage. Or how my heart melts every time George asks for, "Nancy?" because he is a miracle that she unselfishly prayed about for years. Or how much I cannot picture my life without her popping in, and hearing her laugh, and listening to her hilarious stories. It takes a special friend to pack up all your coats, pantry and bathroom items and fragile knick knacks. I'm just thankful she ate half the bag of Cheddar Cheese Munchies with me so I didn't have to feel guilty about eating the whole thing alone.

We've had a small bump in the road this week. The woman who was going to rent us a home in Denver has backed out and wants to rent to her daughter instead. I understand. I really do. And in all honesty I'm kind of relieved. Now Shane will have about 6 weeks to find something that he knows we will like. And it will be OK. We're still going to Denver. We still know this is God's plan for us. Even if we're homeless. ha ha

But now its getting later and later and I want to watch my last episode of Survivor in my own purple bedroom.

"It really sucks"

I have been un-motivated to start packing. So I asked my dad to come over today and help me. He is a master packer.

We began with books. I love books. We have a LOT of books. And George did not like the idea of the books going into boxes. So as my dad packed, I was just Mommy because George wouldn't let me do much packing.

I made a stew in the crock pot when George was sleeping, and I helped direct Pops toward what should be packed in what kind of container...but other than that, I didn't contribute a whole lot. BUT, I do feel very motivated now. I'm an all-or-nothing kind of gal. I don't generally begin projects and leave them unfinished. There are now boxes all...over...my...house. And I want the job done. So I'm motivated!

My pops and I received such a joyful phone call while packing books. My brother and his wife are expecting baby #4. And its a BOY! Of course a part of me grieves that I won't be as hands on with my nephew as I was able to be with my 3 nieces. But I am also comforted that my parents will have a baby grandson relatively nearby.

This afternoon my mom came by and she took care of George so we could pack as much as possible. Once I stood at the top of the stairs and listened to them play downstairs. I just cried. I can still clearly remember the emotions I had for several years when we thought maybe we wouldn't be able to have children. Listening to my mom play with George today made me feel 2 things: First, relief and incredible peace and joy at the simple fact that George exists, and my mom can play with him. Second, longing and pain at the realization that I won't hear the sound of them together as often as I have these past 18 months.

Tomorrow is going to be quite emotional as well. Its a bridal shower for my future daughter-in-law. I can't count how many times I prayed for her to arrive on the scene. And now that she's here, its breaking my heart that I won't get to be close by for their first years of marriage. Sigh.

Anyway...I'm not super gloomy tonight, but I am going to need a good long cry I think.

My dad always helps bring a smile to my face. Today as I was feeding George lunch, Pops came downstairs to get more boxes. I thanked him for helping us pack and he acknowledged that its hard to help his daughter's family move across the country. "It really sucks" he said with a huge grin and kept on packing.

At least we're all smiling! Even if "it really sucks".

2 weeks from today

Two weeks from today, our belongings will (hopefully) be all packed into a big truck. Then on April 15, Shane and my Pops will drive to Denver! Shane's first day of work is April 19.

George and I will stay with my parents until May 29 because the house in Denver will be ready for us then. So...I'm looking at several weeks without my hubbie. He will fly back for Casey's wedding of course, but other than that, we'll have to be content with letters, e-mails and video chats.

Our house is up for sale, and we are asking the Lord for a miracle. Its kinda challenging to pack and yet keep the house looking nice in case anyone wants to look at it. But considering no one has looked at it yet...I'll be honest and say the kitchen isn't as clean as it should be tonight. :)

We definitely have a lot of thoughts and emotions going on right now. This past weekend we went to my Grandpa's farm in Elbe. I started blogging about it, but wasn't able to get very far because of the tears and the ache in my heart.

For someone like me who grew up in the same house, attended school with the same people since Kindergarten, went only 2 hours away to a small college, and then came back and not much had changed.....this move to Denver is a pretty big deal. But I do like adventure. And I do believe it's God's plan for our lives. So I'm OK.

Two weeks from today I will say goodbye to this tall, skinny, green house that I have both loved and hated at times. The Lord helped me overcome depression here. Two of our 3 older sons lived with us here. We have lovingly tended all the landscaping and plants and trees. So many family and friends have come to stay here. Counseling sessions, leadership training, and countless other pastoral stuff happened here. My little boy lived his first 18 months here and I can point to the exact spot he first held up his own head, or crawled, or said Mama. I started running in this neighborhood and have loved the outdoor market every summer. Engine House 9 was our regular restaurant. I've gotten to know my neighbors. Sigh...so many memories. I sure am sentimental tonight!!

Two weeks from today there's no looking back! Well...I'm sure I'll still look back and remember. But there will be much more looking forward and just living.

Red Rocks, here we come

When I married Shane 7 years ago, I had a feeling this season would come. And its finally here. We are packing up and relocating to Denver, Colorado.

I promise to blog in more detail in the coming days, but here is a brief rundown:

About 6 weeks ago or so, a friend of mine let us know that her grandma's home was sitting vacant in Denver. After a few phone calls we realized that if we wanted it, we could have it. The owner has agreed to let us buy it, or rent to own. Either way....its a very wonderful house that is basically on hold just for us.

I went to Bible College with a fella who left Portland to plant a church in Denver this past Fall. We had a video chat with him and realized that if we moved we would have a church that feels like "home" instantly. We would also have several friends because we know many of the church planting team.

Another fella I've known (for about 20 years) started a landscaping business in Denver about 10 years ago. He offered Shane a job 2 weeks ago. Shane has always wanted to be in the landscaping business, and he'll be doing lots of things that he is really looking forward to. There's a chance that I'll be offered a part-time job that I can do from home as well!

So now...our current home is on the market. I will not be surprised if it sells for a great price and we leave town with a profit in our pockets. With all the miracles the Lord has done for us in the past 6 weeks...why wouldn't He do another one?

I better get crackin on my to do list for this evening. I look forward to blogging in more detail so you can read for yourself the extent of the absolute miracles the Lord is working on our behalf. If Shane and I ever doubted for a second how incredible His love is for us - those doubts have been smashed for sure.

Ahhhh....Ordinary-ness

I am loving this week. I finally feel like both my feet are on the ground, my brain is functioning (well...don't ask Shane if it is), and I'm being spirit-led rather than soul-led.

The weekend at the Oregon coast was truly great. The only thing that I can complain about was the 2 hour delay for the train I took to Portland. BUT, even that turned out great. I sat next to a sweet lady who owns a coffee/gift/flower shop just blocks from our home. We chatted once the train actually started moving, and it was enjoyable (sometimes chatting with strangers on trains isn't the best idea).

My weekend ended with a night at my brother's home. Lucky me they had a church service and I was able to stay home and have a girl's ONLY night with my 3 cutie nieces. I loved every minute of it, and was kinda sad when M&M came home and the party had to end.

This week I've been at the track every morning running, sprinting, doing circuit training...really anything I can do to keep my heart rate up. With Casey's wedding in 8 weeks all I can think about is those family pictures that I have to be in and how much I'd like to enjoy looking at them for years to come. It's quite motivating.

Today George and I walked to the shop of my train-traveling friend. She was so happy to see us and I hope to generate some business for her. If you live in Tacoma, visit her at A Rhapsody in Bloom on 6th Ave. Then we went to the park and as George says, we "climb up" everything. And I do mean everything, literally. Wow I'm tired.

On our way home, I passed a home that was cooking something that smelled familiar. It took me a minute to realize that the food reminded me of something in Uganda. Amazing how one little smell could bring memories rushing in. I still feel nostalgic about it, and my age-old (it seems) longing to serve the people of that continent is still very much alive.

I can remember longing for the day I could take my own son to a park, or have time to get myself back in shape, or pack extra cookies in my hubbie's lunch. So...an ordinary blog, to celebrate the fact that I get to live an ordinary week!!! No doctor's appointments, no anxious waiting, no stressful meetings....ahhhhh. Just living the life that's before me.

Appreciation

Tonight I'm longing for change. I have to be honest...I'm not who I want to be, I'm not where I want to be, and I know there's hard work ahead.

I'm heading to the ocean tomorrow with one of my dearest friends. I have a few friends who God has given to me to walk through this life with. Each one is unique. Each one is drastically different than the other. And I love each one with all of my heart because I consider them priceless treasures.

I'm going to Lincoln City, to a small hotel called The Overlook. I think I've gone there for over 12 years.

I remember going there as a single woman, dreaming of and longing for the love of my life. I recall staying there before my second trip to Africa as I considered different paths my life might take. And I also cherish the memory of being there when I was pregnant with an absolute miracle baby, celebrating 5 years of marriage (and trying to have fun regardless of the constant nausea I was plagued with).

Tomorrow when I arrive with my dear friend, I know I will look out at the familiar scene and wonder. I will wonder at the beauty, expanse and fierceness of the ocean...which all points to an incredible Creator. The Creator of this world. The Creator of me. The One who knows me intimately. The only One who fashioned me and knows every day that is ordained for me.

Once an aspiring young minister told me, "It's not the destination that's important, it is all about the journey."

But now I realize that sometimes you have to reach your destination before you fully appreciate the journey.

I want to fully appreciate my journey. But I also know I'm not at my destination yet. So I'll keep my eyes on the horizon...and I'll come back refreshed and ready for some hard work.

Another Stone

I've spent a lot of time building memorials in my life. There are times when the Lord asked me to never forget a lesson learned, or a truth revealed, or a promise fulfilled. In order to remember, I either journal about it or write in my Bible next to a reference. Or, sometimes I just fall on my face, worship Him and build the memorial in my heart. I have several that are in secret places in my heart. Places for only Him and me. Places of surrender. Places of worship.

One week ago today I was recovering from some very un-fun biopsies and I was truly worried about the outcome. Shane stayed home from work to be with me, and we were watching movies while I ate and ate and ate trying to bring myself some added comfort. (sigh. When will I learn not to turn to food for comfort?)

But now one week later, with a clean bill of health, I'm wondering what's next. I feel like my life was literally on hold for about 3 weeks. I cannot believe that we are this far into February.

I tried to explain to a friend today that I feel like the Lord has changed me. And changed me deeply. I'm not even sure I realize all the differences, but it is almost as though I'm wearing brand new glasses. I'm not only seeing things differently, I'm processing them in a whole new way. And I hope I'm able to walk out the change so everyone can see.

God keeps His promises. Each and every single one of them. Time for me to dust my promise/miracle journal off and re-read it. I'd like to see what He's promised that hasn't happened yet, and I'd like to start believing for those again.

Time to put up another altar, another memorial. So I know where I've been. So I never forget. So I continue to worship. And so I can move on.

The Path

I'm rejoicing this afternoon over the path I don't have to take right now...the biopsies came back and all is well. No cancer, no pre-cancer, nothing abnormal.

I've had lots of time to think these past few weeks. I might have had cancer, and I had to look that possibility in the eye.

I'm too emotionally worn out this afternoon to write much.
But...
I feel like I can't thank the Lord enough
I want to never take my health for granted again
I want to be diligent to keep myself healthy as much as possible
I don't want to miss one moment with those I love
I want to live, and I mean really live...doing exactly what I was created to do, being exactly who I was created to be

And I want to stop typing and just play with George for the rest of the day. :)

Settings

I've had to reset my settings several times today.

I thought I might get the call letting me know the results of my biopsies today. But it hasn't come yet. This morning every time the phone rang, I literally jumped. But as the day went on, I realized I had better set my mind on other things or else I wouldn't make it through the day as a sane person.

So...I've thought a lot about my sweet son. And how much I cherish holding him and caring for him.

I've thought a lot about my thoughtful, caring hubbie. He is going to need a nice long vacation or something pretty soon. He's done an incredible job of caring for George and me.

I've been thinking of all my family members. Our oldest son and his fiance; we're so proud of them and the good choices they're making. All 5 of our parents who really love and care for us. Our siblings and their families who we wish we had more time with. Grandparents who I owe phone calls and thank you cards to.

Friends who pursue me even when I'm not the best at responding during times like these.

And I've worshipped. All day. Songs that declare the greatness of God and how He reigns over all.

Resetting my mind several times throughout the day has been challenging, but also I can tell that I'm growing from it! I'm learning something, putting something great into practice. I hope I can continue to order my thoughts, and take control over my emotions.

Blankets

For my birthday, my Mom-In-Law gave me an electric throw blanket. I feel like the little character from the Peanuts cartoon because I have been carrying it almost everywhere with me, all over the house. I love it. No more cold feet, no more chilly evenings for me!!

But today I had another blanket. The blanket of the Peace of God. There's nothing like it. And I can't live without it. And I wish everyone would wear it.

I had 2 biopsies this morning. I'd like to say that it was simple, quick, easy...a piece of cake. But it really wasn't. I didn't feel any physical pain (thankfully), but it was traumatic enough that I'm still reeling from it. I've had this kind of biopsy before, but I don't remember it being so emotional, so invasive, so scary.

The doctor was extremely kind, the nurse incredibly gentle and helpful. But they were running late. I was laying on the table waiting for quite a while, and the nurse had Shane come keep me company. Bless his heart, he told funny stories and made me laugh and did his best to keep me from worrying too much. He left for the procedure, but I could feel his strength the whole time.

I didn't know they were going to take 5 samples from each biopsy. Thank GOD I didn't know. I will not go into detail, but I'll just say that I'm praying for a loss of memory. I don't want to remember how it felt, or the sounds, or the size of the needles...I would be very happy if sudden selective amnesia came upon me.

I held it together for the mammogram that followed. I walked outside with Shane, but as soon as we hit the car I had to sob. I asked him to park somewhere else so I wouldn't scare any ladies going into the building (imagine going in for your appointment and seeing a sobbing woman parked in a car on your way in). The emotions were overwhelming. The primary emotion was relief. Relief that this part was over. I don't think I can put into words what all the other emotions were though.

There is one part I want to remember. Before the nurse left to find out why the doctor was delayed, and before Shane came into the room, the nurse asked me if I wanted a blanket to keep me warm. I stopped to think, and at that exact moment I felt as though a blanket was laid on me. I could definitely feel the Lord answering everyone's prayers: He gave me a blanket of peace. I didn't need anything else. I smiled at the nurse and said I was OK. And I was. Way down deep in that place where only God has access to...I had His peace, His comfort, His reassurance that not only was He with me, but He carried me.

And He carries me still this evening. I feel shaky, weepy, a little sick to my tummy, and a teensy bit anxious for the results that should come at the end of the week. I'm about to get my cozy electric throw blanket and watch a movie. I can't wait to get all warmed up and relaxed. But the Peace Blanket is still upon me. I consider it my treasure today.

Ps. 4:8 "I will lie down and sleep in peace for You alone, Oh Lord, make me dwell in safety."

All I Need To Know

Today I've had some very anxious moments. Not sure why, but I'm sure it is normal. As usual, the Lord knows exactly what I need and how to communicate His love to me. This morning when I got up with George, I turned on my iPod and the first song that came up is called Believe by Brock Human. Here are the words:

I believe in a light that shines, in a voice that finds me in the darkest places
I believe in an endless love, Who is everything, He's breath and life to me
I believe God has a Son, His only one, and He gave Him up for me
I believe in the risen One, His kingdom is here, and death is overcome in me
I believe He loves me
I believe He loves me
I believe He loves me
And that's all I need to know

I believe in a peace that rules over trials and storms and fear that can be so cold
I believe in a wind that blows, in a Holy Ghost and His fires consume me
I believe He loves me
I believe He loves me
I believe He loves me
And that's all I need to know
That's all I need to know
That's all I need to know

I felt some cold fear today. But I had this song in my heart all day long. And I remembered what I believe.

The bottom line is this: He loves me. And I believe it with all of my heart. I always have, ever since I can remember. In the midst of my anxiety, fear and even some sorrow today...all I really need to know is that He loves me.

And it brings great peace, rest and relief.

Hope

There is always hope. Even in the midst of uncertainty.

Today was such a nice day. I was pretty tired all morning, and I'm sure it was just from the hard day yesterday. So I took a long nap when George napped. Then we bundled up and I jogged to a park so he could play. One of my friends met us there with her 2 cutie kids. As George was swinging, I was visiting. He kept saying, "Down, down, down." But I ignored him because he wasn't upset and I thought he was mostly just saying down because of the swinging motion.

Then all of a sudden, clear as a bell he said, "I WANT DOWN." My friend and I looked at him in complete shock and surprise! His first sentence!!! Then we really laughed. There was no mistaking what George wanted.

Once he was down, he disregarded the entire playground and walked to a building that has a garage door. He is obsessed with garage doors, and his dream comes true every time the door opens and closes. Poor little guy didn't understand that this wasn't our garage door. As he walked away disappointed, he stepped into a mud puddle and before I could get to him, he had tripped, fallen and rolled. Mud everywhere. Of course in a few minutes, there was mud all over me as well. I am the mom of a boy.

When I jogged home, I let George play outside for a while. And that's when my hope started to grow. I saw that the lilac bushes are beginning to bud. Our climbing hydrangea plant also has little green nubs covering it. My crocuses are blooming. Daffodils, tulips and hyacinth are all out of the ground as well.

I feel like I've been in winter for a long time. Oh there have been good things happening, and I've enjoyed parts of this season, but overall it has been challenging and I haven't seen a light at the end of the tunnel. Until today.

Spring always comes. Winter always ends. Monday's biopsys won't be fun, and bad news might still be coming...but there is still hope. I choose hope. I choose to let that hope feed my faith in Him who is the Changer of seasons.

My gift

This blog (and probably the next few) aren't for the faint of heart or the overly modest. I thought I'd better warn you.

Today the Lord gave me a gift. At least, that's how I see it.

I had to have a mammogram and an ultrasound today because I noticed a lump in one of my breasts. Over 10 years ago I had a lump removed. It was very scary and traumatic, but it was benign. But it had also come back. When I went to my doctor, she found 2 more lumps that I didn't know about.

As I walked out of her office last week with the referral in my hand for a mammogram and possible biopsy, I felt like my world was standing still for a moment. For anyone reading this who has had a traumatic experience, or walked through a crisis that is completely out of your control, you know that moment I'm referring to. My mind races with all the possibilities and scary scenarios, yet my body feels numb and my heart just aches. The world around me is still functioning and moving along, but my world is immobilized by this one crisis.

I have some women in my life whose worlds stood still at one time in their lives too. I've watched them closely and they know Who sustains their lives. Each one of them told me, "Everything will be OK." And I believed them. I really did. Because they've walked where I was having to walk today. And they survived. And they know about this gift I was given today, because they have received the same gift during their time of crisis.

My scariest moment today was when my mammogram was over, but after reviewing the pictures they decided they needed more imaging. I had a terrifying 15 minutes having another mammogram and then waiting to also have an ultrasound. I almost feel like I lived a lifetime in those 15 minutes. I tried not to think of what I would write to George if I had breast cancer and couldn't live to watch him grow up. I also tried not to think of how Shane would handle such a loss. I refused to think of my parents, my brother, my sister Dawn, Shane's whole family....on and on my mind was going crazy. I finally just started singing a worship song (which one of the above mentioned women had suggested that I do).

Passersby probably thought I was nuts, but I sat in my stupid white mammogram exam robe, and sang.
"You are my shield, my strength, my fortress, deliverer, my shelter, strong tower,
my very present help in time of need."
And I sang until I believed it. By the time they took me in for the ultrasound, that sweet, unearthly peace that passes all understanding had returned. My very present help had arrived.

But poor Shane. While this was happening to me, he was in the waiting room. A very nice, well-meaning husband of another woman getting a mammogram approached Shane. He gave him a pamphlet entitled, "How to cope when your loved one has breast cancer." My dear husband was reading this and suffering terribly in his heart. It was terrifying for him. When they brought him into the ultrasound room, he was as white as a sheet. I could see that he was trying to be strong for me, but that he was truly suffering.

And here's where the gift arrives. We were left alone for a bit after the ultrasound was finished. We had seen the tumors on the screen. It was bad. As scary as it gets. And we had no idea what the doctor would say when she arrived to give us the results of all the imaging. Our worlds were standing still again. In that moment, I think the Lord gave us an incredible gift.

Its the gift of right perspective. We had nowhere else to look, but at Him. Who can help at that moment? No one. Except the Almighty God who created us and has every hair on our head numbered, and every tear bottled. His ways aren't our ways. His thoughts aren't like ours. But His love for us surpasses knowledge.

Shane and I looked at each other and we knew that we were being held in the Everlasting Arms. Our perspective on each other, or on life will never ever be the same. It can't be. Not when you look something like this in the eye. Not when you're part of the league of people whose worlds have stood still.

The doctor told us that they are all probably benign. But of course I need a biopsy. I'll have it in a week.

In the meantime, I intend on cherishing this gift. I hope to blog about it more this week. Right now all I really want is some popcorn with butter, brewer's yeast and a little cheese on top. :) Then a nice long sleep.

These Days

I love days like these.

I woke up to blue sky.
I prayed a lot today.
George slept until afer 7.
Shane had left me a love note in the journal we write back and forth.
He also left me a chocolate.
My morning coffee tasted extra good.
We woke Shane up kinda early.
I had privacy in my girl-only bathroom while I got ready.
I remembered to make breakfast for Shane.
We all went to the waterfront with a picnic lunch.
I can run the entire length of the waterfront and back without stopping.
George had the time of his life climbing, walking and exploring at the waterfront.
He fell asleep almost instantly in my arms for his nap.
I took a hot bath.
I remembered to cook dinner for Shane.
George slept almost 3 hours.
I already had our dinner pre-made.
George wanted to go to sleep early.
I have a new book to read tonight, and I'm going to read it instead of starting to work on my taxes.

I sure wish every day was this smooth. But its the smooth days that make the rough days survivable. And all God asks of me is to live this ONE day. Today. And I did.

Compassion

We don't have TV so I've been behind on the news these past few months. Tonight I decided to watch some news coverage of the Haitian earthquake. And I hope and pray with all of my heart that I'll never be the same again.

I've seem some things in my travels to Uganda 3 times, but I've never pretended to know suffering up close and personal. As I watched clips of bodies piled in the streets, of rubble as far as the eye can see, of people with literally absolutely nothing waiting for relief, of little children lost and confused and broken....I realized my incredible need for forgiveness. I am one complacent, apathetic, selfish, nominal Christian.

And I'm asking the Lord to change me. And what's scary about that is...I know the Lord will answer that prayer. The definition of compassion includes action. One can't feel compassion without acting on it if they keep to the true definition. I'm begging God for compassion. Not only for "the least of these" but for whoever comes across my path who might need a touch from the One, True Living God.