Appreciation

Tonight I'm longing for change. I have to be honest...I'm not who I want to be, I'm not where I want to be, and I know there's hard work ahead.

I'm heading to the ocean tomorrow with one of my dearest friends. I have a few friends who God has given to me to walk through this life with. Each one is unique. Each one is drastically different than the other. And I love each one with all of my heart because I consider them priceless treasures.

I'm going to Lincoln City, to a small hotel called The Overlook. I think I've gone there for over 12 years.

I remember going there as a single woman, dreaming of and longing for the love of my life. I recall staying there before my second trip to Africa as I considered different paths my life might take. And I also cherish the memory of being there when I was pregnant with an absolute miracle baby, celebrating 5 years of marriage (and trying to have fun regardless of the constant nausea I was plagued with).

Tomorrow when I arrive with my dear friend, I know I will look out at the familiar scene and wonder. I will wonder at the beauty, expanse and fierceness of the ocean...which all points to an incredible Creator. The Creator of this world. The Creator of me. The One who knows me intimately. The only One who fashioned me and knows every day that is ordained for me.

Once an aspiring young minister told me, "It's not the destination that's important, it is all about the journey."

But now I realize that sometimes you have to reach your destination before you fully appreciate the journey.

I want to fully appreciate my journey. But I also know I'm not at my destination yet. So I'll keep my eyes on the horizon...and I'll come back refreshed and ready for some hard work.

Another Stone

I've spent a lot of time building memorials in my life. There are times when the Lord asked me to never forget a lesson learned, or a truth revealed, or a promise fulfilled. In order to remember, I either journal about it or write in my Bible next to a reference. Or, sometimes I just fall on my face, worship Him and build the memorial in my heart. I have several that are in secret places in my heart. Places for only Him and me. Places of surrender. Places of worship.

One week ago today I was recovering from some very un-fun biopsies and I was truly worried about the outcome. Shane stayed home from work to be with me, and we were watching movies while I ate and ate and ate trying to bring myself some added comfort. (sigh. When will I learn not to turn to food for comfort?)

But now one week later, with a clean bill of health, I'm wondering what's next. I feel like my life was literally on hold for about 3 weeks. I cannot believe that we are this far into February.

I tried to explain to a friend today that I feel like the Lord has changed me. And changed me deeply. I'm not even sure I realize all the differences, but it is almost as though I'm wearing brand new glasses. I'm not only seeing things differently, I'm processing them in a whole new way. And I hope I'm able to walk out the change so everyone can see.

God keeps His promises. Each and every single one of them. Time for me to dust my promise/miracle journal off and re-read it. I'd like to see what He's promised that hasn't happened yet, and I'd like to start believing for those again.

Time to put up another altar, another memorial. So I know where I've been. So I never forget. So I continue to worship. And so I can move on.

The Path

I'm rejoicing this afternoon over the path I don't have to take right now...the biopsies came back and all is well. No cancer, no pre-cancer, nothing abnormal.

I've had lots of time to think these past few weeks. I might have had cancer, and I had to look that possibility in the eye.

I'm too emotionally worn out this afternoon to write much.
But...
I feel like I can't thank the Lord enough
I want to never take my health for granted again
I want to be diligent to keep myself healthy as much as possible
I don't want to miss one moment with those I love
I want to live, and I mean really live...doing exactly what I was created to do, being exactly who I was created to be

And I want to stop typing and just play with George for the rest of the day. :)

Settings

I've had to reset my settings several times today.

I thought I might get the call letting me know the results of my biopsies today. But it hasn't come yet. This morning every time the phone rang, I literally jumped. But as the day went on, I realized I had better set my mind on other things or else I wouldn't make it through the day as a sane person.

So...I've thought a lot about my sweet son. And how much I cherish holding him and caring for him.

I've thought a lot about my thoughtful, caring hubbie. He is going to need a nice long vacation or something pretty soon. He's done an incredible job of caring for George and me.

I've been thinking of all my family members. Our oldest son and his fiance; we're so proud of them and the good choices they're making. All 5 of our parents who really love and care for us. Our siblings and their families who we wish we had more time with. Grandparents who I owe phone calls and thank you cards to.

Friends who pursue me even when I'm not the best at responding during times like these.

And I've worshipped. All day. Songs that declare the greatness of God and how He reigns over all.

Resetting my mind several times throughout the day has been challenging, but also I can tell that I'm growing from it! I'm learning something, putting something great into practice. I hope I can continue to order my thoughts, and take control over my emotions.

Blankets

For my birthday, my Mom-In-Law gave me an electric throw blanket. I feel like the little character from the Peanuts cartoon because I have been carrying it almost everywhere with me, all over the house. I love it. No more cold feet, no more chilly evenings for me!!

But today I had another blanket. The blanket of the Peace of God. There's nothing like it. And I can't live without it. And I wish everyone would wear it.

I had 2 biopsies this morning. I'd like to say that it was simple, quick, easy...a piece of cake. But it really wasn't. I didn't feel any physical pain (thankfully), but it was traumatic enough that I'm still reeling from it. I've had this kind of biopsy before, but I don't remember it being so emotional, so invasive, so scary.

The doctor was extremely kind, the nurse incredibly gentle and helpful. But they were running late. I was laying on the table waiting for quite a while, and the nurse had Shane come keep me company. Bless his heart, he told funny stories and made me laugh and did his best to keep me from worrying too much. He left for the procedure, but I could feel his strength the whole time.

I didn't know they were going to take 5 samples from each biopsy. Thank GOD I didn't know. I will not go into detail, but I'll just say that I'm praying for a loss of memory. I don't want to remember how it felt, or the sounds, or the size of the needles...I would be very happy if sudden selective amnesia came upon me.

I held it together for the mammogram that followed. I walked outside with Shane, but as soon as we hit the car I had to sob. I asked him to park somewhere else so I wouldn't scare any ladies going into the building (imagine going in for your appointment and seeing a sobbing woman parked in a car on your way in). The emotions were overwhelming. The primary emotion was relief. Relief that this part was over. I don't think I can put into words what all the other emotions were though.

There is one part I want to remember. Before the nurse left to find out why the doctor was delayed, and before Shane came into the room, the nurse asked me if I wanted a blanket to keep me warm. I stopped to think, and at that exact moment I felt as though a blanket was laid on me. I could definitely feel the Lord answering everyone's prayers: He gave me a blanket of peace. I didn't need anything else. I smiled at the nurse and said I was OK. And I was. Way down deep in that place where only God has access to...I had His peace, His comfort, His reassurance that not only was He with me, but He carried me.

And He carries me still this evening. I feel shaky, weepy, a little sick to my tummy, and a teensy bit anxious for the results that should come at the end of the week. I'm about to get my cozy electric throw blanket and watch a movie. I can't wait to get all warmed up and relaxed. But the Peace Blanket is still upon me. I consider it my treasure today.

Ps. 4:8 "I will lie down and sleep in peace for You alone, Oh Lord, make me dwell in safety."

All I Need To Know

Today I've had some very anxious moments. Not sure why, but I'm sure it is normal. As usual, the Lord knows exactly what I need and how to communicate His love to me. This morning when I got up with George, I turned on my iPod and the first song that came up is called Believe by Brock Human. Here are the words:

I believe in a light that shines, in a voice that finds me in the darkest places
I believe in an endless love, Who is everything, He's breath and life to me
I believe God has a Son, His only one, and He gave Him up for me
I believe in the risen One, His kingdom is here, and death is overcome in me
I believe He loves me
I believe He loves me
I believe He loves me
And that's all I need to know

I believe in a peace that rules over trials and storms and fear that can be so cold
I believe in a wind that blows, in a Holy Ghost and His fires consume me
I believe He loves me
I believe He loves me
I believe He loves me
And that's all I need to know
That's all I need to know
That's all I need to know

I felt some cold fear today. But I had this song in my heart all day long. And I remembered what I believe.

The bottom line is this: He loves me. And I believe it with all of my heart. I always have, ever since I can remember. In the midst of my anxiety, fear and even some sorrow today...all I really need to know is that He loves me.

And it brings great peace, rest and relief.

Hope

There is always hope. Even in the midst of uncertainty.

Today was such a nice day. I was pretty tired all morning, and I'm sure it was just from the hard day yesterday. So I took a long nap when George napped. Then we bundled up and I jogged to a park so he could play. One of my friends met us there with her 2 cutie kids. As George was swinging, I was visiting. He kept saying, "Down, down, down." But I ignored him because he wasn't upset and I thought he was mostly just saying down because of the swinging motion.

Then all of a sudden, clear as a bell he said, "I WANT DOWN." My friend and I looked at him in complete shock and surprise! His first sentence!!! Then we really laughed. There was no mistaking what George wanted.

Once he was down, he disregarded the entire playground and walked to a building that has a garage door. He is obsessed with garage doors, and his dream comes true every time the door opens and closes. Poor little guy didn't understand that this wasn't our garage door. As he walked away disappointed, he stepped into a mud puddle and before I could get to him, he had tripped, fallen and rolled. Mud everywhere. Of course in a few minutes, there was mud all over me as well. I am the mom of a boy.

When I jogged home, I let George play outside for a while. And that's when my hope started to grow. I saw that the lilac bushes are beginning to bud. Our climbing hydrangea plant also has little green nubs covering it. My crocuses are blooming. Daffodils, tulips and hyacinth are all out of the ground as well.

I feel like I've been in winter for a long time. Oh there have been good things happening, and I've enjoyed parts of this season, but overall it has been challenging and I haven't seen a light at the end of the tunnel. Until today.

Spring always comes. Winter always ends. Monday's biopsys won't be fun, and bad news might still be coming...but there is still hope. I choose hope. I choose to let that hope feed my faith in Him who is the Changer of seasons.

My gift

This blog (and probably the next few) aren't for the faint of heart or the overly modest. I thought I'd better warn you.

Today the Lord gave me a gift. At least, that's how I see it.

I had to have a mammogram and an ultrasound today because I noticed a lump in one of my breasts. Over 10 years ago I had a lump removed. It was very scary and traumatic, but it was benign. But it had also come back. When I went to my doctor, she found 2 more lumps that I didn't know about.

As I walked out of her office last week with the referral in my hand for a mammogram and possible biopsy, I felt like my world was standing still for a moment. For anyone reading this who has had a traumatic experience, or walked through a crisis that is completely out of your control, you know that moment I'm referring to. My mind races with all the possibilities and scary scenarios, yet my body feels numb and my heart just aches. The world around me is still functioning and moving along, but my world is immobilized by this one crisis.

I have some women in my life whose worlds stood still at one time in their lives too. I've watched them closely and they know Who sustains their lives. Each one of them told me, "Everything will be OK." And I believed them. I really did. Because they've walked where I was having to walk today. And they survived. And they know about this gift I was given today, because they have received the same gift during their time of crisis.

My scariest moment today was when my mammogram was over, but after reviewing the pictures they decided they needed more imaging. I had a terrifying 15 minutes having another mammogram and then waiting to also have an ultrasound. I almost feel like I lived a lifetime in those 15 minutes. I tried not to think of what I would write to George if I had breast cancer and couldn't live to watch him grow up. I also tried not to think of how Shane would handle such a loss. I refused to think of my parents, my brother, my sister Dawn, Shane's whole family....on and on my mind was going crazy. I finally just started singing a worship song (which one of the above mentioned women had suggested that I do).

Passersby probably thought I was nuts, but I sat in my stupid white mammogram exam robe, and sang.
"You are my shield, my strength, my fortress, deliverer, my shelter, strong tower,
my very present help in time of need."
And I sang until I believed it. By the time they took me in for the ultrasound, that sweet, unearthly peace that passes all understanding had returned. My very present help had arrived.

But poor Shane. While this was happening to me, he was in the waiting room. A very nice, well-meaning husband of another woman getting a mammogram approached Shane. He gave him a pamphlet entitled, "How to cope when your loved one has breast cancer." My dear husband was reading this and suffering terribly in his heart. It was terrifying for him. When they brought him into the ultrasound room, he was as white as a sheet. I could see that he was trying to be strong for me, but that he was truly suffering.

And here's where the gift arrives. We were left alone for a bit after the ultrasound was finished. We had seen the tumors on the screen. It was bad. As scary as it gets. And we had no idea what the doctor would say when she arrived to give us the results of all the imaging. Our worlds were standing still again. In that moment, I think the Lord gave us an incredible gift.

Its the gift of right perspective. We had nowhere else to look, but at Him. Who can help at that moment? No one. Except the Almighty God who created us and has every hair on our head numbered, and every tear bottled. His ways aren't our ways. His thoughts aren't like ours. But His love for us surpasses knowledge.

Shane and I looked at each other and we knew that we were being held in the Everlasting Arms. Our perspective on each other, or on life will never ever be the same. It can't be. Not when you look something like this in the eye. Not when you're part of the league of people whose worlds have stood still.

The doctor told us that they are all probably benign. But of course I need a biopsy. I'll have it in a week.

In the meantime, I intend on cherishing this gift. I hope to blog about it more this week. Right now all I really want is some popcorn with butter, brewer's yeast and a little cheese on top. :) Then a nice long sleep.