Tonight I was struck by the realization that George trusts me for literally everything. I've known this, but for some reason tonight it hit home. Food, clothing, shelter, comfort, guidance, provision, emotional protection, healthy boundaries and discipline, basic needs, communication, help.....on and on the list goes. He is even beginning to learn how to jump into my arms. (I know, I know. Little boys and jumping can be treacherous!)
He put his head on my shoulder and sighed as I rocked him to sleep. I was overwhelmed by his contentment and awed by his level of trust.
I wrote a few days ago about the Lord doing some repair work in my life. I know that He's working overtime (well...figuratively speaking of course) on my level of trust with Him. And as He has been doing with me often lately, He is using every day occurrences to get the message through.
He wants me to realize that He is taking care of me and my family. He really is. It's not wishful thinking, it's fact. All I have to do is trust Him. For everything. Right now.
Wow that's easier said than done. I want to awe Him with my absolute trust...so I'll keep allowing Him to do what He wants to do in my life. Even when it feels like I'm free-falling...I know that those Everlasting Arms are beneath me to catch me. I may not have consciously jumped into His arms, but they're there just the same.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Cherishing
This morning 4 police officers were killed while in a coffee shop. Someone walked in, shot them and escaped. It has been on my mind all day. But not just the incident...I've been thinking of the families of those 4 officers. Obviously I cannot comprehend what it was like for them to receive the news that their loved one had been murdered. I cannot imagine the loss. I cannot relate to the depth of pain.
But I can do something. I can cherish my own loved ones even more. Here's what I cherished today:
The sound of my little son waking up and playing in his crib
The privilege of spending the morning with him, playing, eating breakfast and then cuddling him before his nap.
The thoughtfulness of my hubbie to play with George and keep him occupied while I took a very long bath.
Shane's willingness to load George up and go to the store for dryer sheets and lettuce...those are some seriously boring items, but he did it for me because he loves me. (and he loves buying George a Hot Wheel while at the store of course)
Looking out the window and seeing Dad and son playing in the front yard.
Both of us went to get George after his second nap and we laughed so hard at how he throws everything out of his crib and acts like its a big kill of some kind.
Re-arranging our living room so we can get a Christmas tree.
George turning the vacuum on and off and growling each time.
Chatting with my mom and hearing her excitement over her new stove (first new stove in over 30 years), and listening to Dad put something "too far back, Bob", as he helps re-arrange things in the cupboards.
Talking with my sis-toe and planning on seeing her really soon (thank GOD).
Hearing her hubbie in the background getting Taco Bell and knowing that he hopes we will come visit so he can see his nephew.
The 3 of us eating dinner together.
Shane laying on the ground playing with Hot Wheels while George tries to imitate everything his dad does.
Listening to Shane sing George to sleep.
Looking forward to an evening of relaxing with my best friend on earth, my sweet husband who pursues my heart.
These are pretty every-day occurrences for me. I think of the 4 families and their tragedy, and I can't thank God enough for helping me cherish these every-day treasures.
But I can do something. I can cherish my own loved ones even more. Here's what I cherished today:
The sound of my little son waking up and playing in his crib
The privilege of spending the morning with him, playing, eating breakfast and then cuddling him before his nap.
The thoughtfulness of my hubbie to play with George and keep him occupied while I took a very long bath.
Shane's willingness to load George up and go to the store for dryer sheets and lettuce...those are some seriously boring items, but he did it for me because he loves me. (and he loves buying George a Hot Wheel while at the store of course)
Looking out the window and seeing Dad and son playing in the front yard.
Both of us went to get George after his second nap and we laughed so hard at how he throws everything out of his crib and acts like its a big kill of some kind.
Re-arranging our living room so we can get a Christmas tree.
George turning the vacuum on and off and growling each time.
Chatting with my mom and hearing her excitement over her new stove (first new stove in over 30 years), and listening to Dad put something "too far back, Bob", as he helps re-arrange things in the cupboards.
Talking with my sis-toe and planning on seeing her really soon (thank GOD).
Hearing her hubbie in the background getting Taco Bell and knowing that he hopes we will come visit so he can see his nephew.
The 3 of us eating dinner together.
Shane laying on the ground playing with Hot Wheels while George tries to imitate everything his dad does.
Listening to Shane sing George to sleep.
Looking forward to an evening of relaxing with my best friend on earth, my sweet husband who pursues my heart.
These are pretty every-day occurrences for me. I think of the 4 families and their tragedy, and I can't thank God enough for helping me cherish these every-day treasures.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Repair Work
I've been running. Not just literally for exercise, but also in my spirit. I've been running from facing a few things.
Fear is a strange thing. I haven't had many fears in my life. My major fear (along with most women) is the fear of rejection. It may rear its ugly head now and again but it doesn't rule my life. I fear spiders and I startle pretty easily, but that's about it (that I know of). But last week I realized I was afraid to face some experiences I've had in the past few years, and I was avoiding allowing the Lord, or anyone close to me, to walk me through them.
Last week I finally noticed that I've been running fast and hard...keeping busy, keeping my mind numb by food/drink/entertainment, reading everything BUT the Bible, doing everything EXCEPT quieting myself and allowing the Lord to get my attention. Well, He finally ran me right into a corner and I had to slow down and allow myself to get eye to eye with some stuff.
I didn't realize it until a friend came over and simply asked how I was doing. The next thing I know I'm not able to talk through my tears and the floodgates opened. I heard myself talking about things that I had considered old, gone, past business. But there it all was: wounds that still weren't healed, and some that had healed but had tender scars. It sure felt strange to be on the receiving end of a conversation like we had. I'm used to being the counselor or the pastor. I'm not used to (or comfortable with) baring my soul and suffering the humility of uncontrollable tears.
But I learned a few things from this friend, and then from another woman who "happened" to stop by the next night:
...The Lord isn't mad at or disappointed in me.
...He's waiting for me to come to Him, and He's got a gift for me if I'll receive it.
...I can run all I want, but He'll run me right into a corner because He loves me and won't let me get too far.
...I need older women in my life who I can trust, turn to, talk with and receive wisdom and prayer from.
...I don't need to know all my "issues". All I need to do is give it to Him, trust Him and stop running the opposite direction.
...I may have carried some heavy loads that left behind some pain, but that pain can be healed.
I'm in need of some repair work...and He's already started. All I had to do was stop avoiding His presence. There is no reason to fear - He is love, He is perfect love, and He is wanting me in the middle of that love.
Fear is a strange thing. I haven't had many fears in my life. My major fear (along with most women) is the fear of rejection. It may rear its ugly head now and again but it doesn't rule my life. I fear spiders and I startle pretty easily, but that's about it (that I know of). But last week I realized I was afraid to face some experiences I've had in the past few years, and I was avoiding allowing the Lord, or anyone close to me, to walk me through them.
Last week I finally noticed that I've been running fast and hard...keeping busy, keeping my mind numb by food/drink/entertainment, reading everything BUT the Bible, doing everything EXCEPT quieting myself and allowing the Lord to get my attention. Well, He finally ran me right into a corner and I had to slow down and allow myself to get eye to eye with some stuff.
I didn't realize it until a friend came over and simply asked how I was doing. The next thing I know I'm not able to talk through my tears and the floodgates opened. I heard myself talking about things that I had considered old, gone, past business. But there it all was: wounds that still weren't healed, and some that had healed but had tender scars. It sure felt strange to be on the receiving end of a conversation like we had. I'm used to being the counselor or the pastor. I'm not used to (or comfortable with) baring my soul and suffering the humility of uncontrollable tears.
But I learned a few things from this friend, and then from another woman who "happened" to stop by the next night:
...The Lord isn't mad at or disappointed in me.
...He's waiting for me to come to Him, and He's got a gift for me if I'll receive it.
...I can run all I want, but He'll run me right into a corner because He loves me and won't let me get too far.
...I need older women in my life who I can trust, turn to, talk with and receive wisdom and prayer from.
...I don't need to know all my "issues". All I need to do is give it to Him, trust Him and stop running the opposite direction.
...I may have carried some heavy loads that left behind some pain, but that pain can be healed.
I'm in need of some repair work...and He's already started. All I had to do was stop avoiding His presence. There is no reason to fear - He is love, He is perfect love, and He is wanting me in the middle of that love.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Flashback
Tonight an old song came to mind as I rocked George to sleep. I didn't think I knew all the words until I started singing it. The words came to me, as well as a rush of memories.
I didn't grow up part of a local church. We visited some but weren't regularly tied in to any. My parents knew of a ministry called World MAP (Missionary Assistance Plan), and every summer this ministry had a week long family camp. I think I maybe missed one or two my entire 18 years at home. I'm sure it accounts for my love of missions and my heart for various nations. Every year that week grew more important to me, and I can honestly say much of my belief system today is due to things I learned during that family camp.
As I sang tonight I could almost smell the lodge up at Warm Beach (where the camp was held). I could clearly see the room that the teens met in and I could remember how I felt as I learned to worship the Lord among my peers. I could hear the voices around me; some people to whom I'm still close, others I've lost touch with. I could picture an entire week of fun, friendships, late nights, early mornings, camping, growth, change and so much more.
When I look back on that season of life it is full of nostalgia for me. The Melodi of that time was a dreamer, young, naive, full of the hope of adventure, outgoing, trusting, rather untested in trials, unfamiliar with sorrow, and unrealistic in several aspects. The Melodi who sang this song all those years ago was different than the one who sang it tonight. I've lived some life, walked through some sorrow, experienced deep joy, accomplished some things, failed some things.
Tonight, the words meant so much more than they ever have before. I see things differently after 15+ years of life. I'm sure I'll see things differently after the next 15. But one thing stays the same:
The Lord thy God
In the midst of thee
Is mighty, is mighty.
And I saw Him
High and lifted up
With power and strength and authority.
And He shall reign
In the midst of thee
Forever and ever amen
He is with me. Always. Right here in my midst. And He has everything I need. He is everything I need. And He never changes.
I didn't grow up part of a local church. We visited some but weren't regularly tied in to any. My parents knew of a ministry called World MAP (Missionary Assistance Plan), and every summer this ministry had a week long family camp. I think I maybe missed one or two my entire 18 years at home. I'm sure it accounts for my love of missions and my heart for various nations. Every year that week grew more important to me, and I can honestly say much of my belief system today is due to things I learned during that family camp.
As I sang tonight I could almost smell the lodge up at Warm Beach (where the camp was held). I could clearly see the room that the teens met in and I could remember how I felt as I learned to worship the Lord among my peers. I could hear the voices around me; some people to whom I'm still close, others I've lost touch with. I could picture an entire week of fun, friendships, late nights, early mornings, camping, growth, change and so much more.
When I look back on that season of life it is full of nostalgia for me. The Melodi of that time was a dreamer, young, naive, full of the hope of adventure, outgoing, trusting, rather untested in trials, unfamiliar with sorrow, and unrealistic in several aspects. The Melodi who sang this song all those years ago was different than the one who sang it tonight. I've lived some life, walked through some sorrow, experienced deep joy, accomplished some things, failed some things.
Tonight, the words meant so much more than they ever have before. I see things differently after 15+ years of life. I'm sure I'll see things differently after the next 15. But one thing stays the same:
The Lord thy God
In the midst of thee
Is mighty, is mighty.
And I saw Him
High and lifted up
With power and strength and authority.
And He shall reign
In the midst of thee
Forever and ever amen
He is with me. Always. Right here in my midst. And He has everything I need. He is everything I need. And He never changes.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Dear Aliyah
Dear Baby Aliyah,
I had so much fun meeting you today, even though Mommy wouldn't let me touch you. I think you are very cute but I like blue better than pink. You should wear something blue with a picture of a truck on it. That is my favorite.
I know when you grow up that you will sing songs to Jesus like your Daddy and Mommy do. When I heard your Daddy playing the guitar today I thought it was fun to dance to the music. I think he will teach you all about playing instruments. My mommy says I will learn piano and guitar but she really really wants me to learn the fiddle. (I like the word fiddle. It makes me laugh. Someday I'll say it to you over and over and make you laugh too.)
Mommy sings a song to me that goes like this, "Father of lights, You delight in Your children. Every good and perfect gift comes from You." When I saw you today I tried to sing it to you but I didn't know how to say the words. So tonight I prayed with Mommy for you and for your parents.
We prayed that you would grow up to love Jesus with all your heart
...that Jesus would speak to you and you would tell us what He says, just like your Grandpa Robert
...that you would have a soft, tender, teachable heart
...that you would know how valuable you are and how much Jesus loves you (this you'll learn from your Daddy)
...that you will be a woman of strength, integrity, passion and beauty (your Mommy will teach you)
...that you will be full of joy and know how to serve others (your Grandma Selma knows, she'll show you)
...that you will like trucks, know how to make motor noises, and laugh at farts (I'm good at this so I'll teach you)
Mommy says that you and I are miracles. I think that's a big word that I don't understand yet, but whenever she says it she gets tears in her eyes. So I guess its a big deal.
I'd rather throw my cars off the landing on the stairs than type this letter to you any longer.
Sincerely,
Your new friend forever,
George
PS. One day I'll think girls are gross, but probably not you because you'll know how to make truck noises.
I had so much fun meeting you today, even though Mommy wouldn't let me touch you. I think you are very cute but I like blue better than pink. You should wear something blue with a picture of a truck on it. That is my favorite.
I know when you grow up that you will sing songs to Jesus like your Daddy and Mommy do. When I heard your Daddy playing the guitar today I thought it was fun to dance to the music. I think he will teach you all about playing instruments. My mommy says I will learn piano and guitar but she really really wants me to learn the fiddle. (I like the word fiddle. It makes me laugh. Someday I'll say it to you over and over and make you laugh too.)
Mommy sings a song to me that goes like this, "Father of lights, You delight in Your children. Every good and perfect gift comes from You." When I saw you today I tried to sing it to you but I didn't know how to say the words. So tonight I prayed with Mommy for you and for your parents.
We prayed that you would grow up to love Jesus with all your heart
...that Jesus would speak to you and you would tell us what He says, just like your Grandpa Robert
...that you would have a soft, tender, teachable heart
...that you would know how valuable you are and how much Jesus loves you (this you'll learn from your Daddy)
...that you will be a woman of strength, integrity, passion and beauty (your Mommy will teach you)
...that you will be full of joy and know how to serve others (your Grandma Selma knows, she'll show you)
...that you will like trucks, know how to make motor noises, and laugh at farts (I'm good at this so I'll teach you)
Mommy says that you and I are miracles. I think that's a big word that I don't understand yet, but whenever she says it she gets tears in her eyes. So I guess its a big deal.
I'd rather throw my cars off the landing on the stairs than type this letter to you any longer.
Sincerely,
Your new friend forever,
George
PS. One day I'll think girls are gross, but probably not you because you'll know how to make truck noises.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
True Love
I just finished re-reading (for probably the 4th or 5th time) Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. The book is based around the story of Hosea and Gomer in the Bible. Hosea was a prophet, Gomer a prostitute. The Lord told Hosea to marry her and the book is the story of her leaving and him continuing to love her and rescue her over and over. Its a picture of how the Lord loves us and will pursue us regardless of how many times we do our own thing.
I try to read it every year because it compels me to fall in love with my Savior all over again. And it reminds me that love isn't just an emotion. It is practical, its a choice and it is my opportunity to follow in my Lord's footsteps...loving regardless of reciprocation.
This morning I woke with a simple truth on my mind. I am to love others as Christ loves me. Its a choice I can make every day. Especially with my hubbie, I can be an example of true love every single day. I can serve without expecting to be served. I can reach out without requiring a response. I can give of myself in simple every day things....and each time I do I show him not only how much I love him, but also how great the Father's love is for us....that He gave. He gave so much. He gave everything. Why shouldn't I?
I try to read it every year because it compels me to fall in love with my Savior all over again. And it reminds me that love isn't just an emotion. It is practical, its a choice and it is my opportunity to follow in my Lord's footsteps...loving regardless of reciprocation.
This morning I woke with a simple truth on my mind. I am to love others as Christ loves me. Its a choice I can make every day. Especially with my hubbie, I can be an example of true love every single day. I can serve without expecting to be served. I can reach out without requiring a response. I can give of myself in simple every day things....and each time I do I show him not only how much I love him, but also how great the Father's love is for us....that He gave. He gave so much. He gave everything. Why shouldn't I?
Friday, November 13, 2009
Running Man
I went running today. But not just running. I also did a ton of stairs, sit ups, push ups and all kinds of horribly painful things. I wasn't going to do all of that but someone motivated me. After running about 2 miles I realized I wasn't alone. There on the UPS track with me was an older gentleman. And he was lapping me. A lot. I think he ran about 3 or 4 miles and I'm pretty sure he wasn't human. He was a machine.
I watched him while I did strength training and he inspired me. My guess is that he was in his 60's. He ran like a military man and he was focused. It was quite impressive and helped me to try harder. I appreciated him.
We never truly know who is watching us. Obviously our families are. Our children definitely are. But I wonder who else. Grocery store, car, yard, running, restaurant...people can see my mood, behavior, treatment of others. And I wonder if they are inspired? I'm positive the answer is not always.
When I was a pastor I was very aware of all the eyes on me. I lived in a fish bowl and so did my family. I loved serving people and ministering those in need. I enjoyed many things of full-time ministry in a church. But I also endured all the things you encounter when working with people. And when I resigned, I took a very long break from feeling obligated to be available for everyone.
I stopped caring if I was inspiring anyone. It was refreshing for a while in all honesty. I wanted to focus on my family and close friends only. So I did.
But I care now. I really do. I realize there are people around me constantly in my every day life. Someone may be watching me next time I run around the track at UPS. I'm sure they're watching me as I wait in line to buy my Zesty Guacamole. I want to be aware of the people around me and my impact on them.
That running man has no idea that he inspired me in several ways. Thanks running man!
I watched him while I did strength training and he inspired me. My guess is that he was in his 60's. He ran like a military man and he was focused. It was quite impressive and helped me to try harder. I appreciated him.
We never truly know who is watching us. Obviously our families are. Our children definitely are. But I wonder who else. Grocery store, car, yard, running, restaurant...people can see my mood, behavior, treatment of others. And I wonder if they are inspired? I'm positive the answer is not always.
When I was a pastor I was very aware of all the eyes on me. I lived in a fish bowl and so did my family. I loved serving people and ministering those in need. I enjoyed many things of full-time ministry in a church. But I also endured all the things you encounter when working with people. And when I resigned, I took a very long break from feeling obligated to be available for everyone.
I stopped caring if I was inspiring anyone. It was refreshing for a while in all honesty. I wanted to focus on my family and close friends only. So I did.
But I care now. I really do. I realize there are people around me constantly in my every day life. Someone may be watching me next time I run around the track at UPS. I'm sure they're watching me as I wait in line to buy my Zesty Guacamole. I want to be aware of the people around me and my impact on them.
That running man has no idea that he inspired me in several ways. Thanks running man!
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Classroom
Without me realizing it, I ended up in God's classroom tonight. I think. I'm still trying to figure it out, but I have a feeling that the Lord is trying to teach me something. And in all honesty, I'm not sure I want to learn it, and I have no idea how long it will take for me to implement it into my daily life.
I enjoy problem solving. It is one reason I went into counseling and pastoral work. I like delving into people's lives and hearts, figuring out what the root problem (or problems) are, and then giving them tools, counsel, prayer, correction...whatever it takes to see the problem solved.
One large aspect of problem solving is being a peacemaker. I live for peace. I thrive in atmospheres where there is harmony, peace, laughter, healthy friendships etc. Throw me into a situation where people are at odds with each other and I'm sitting in the corner observing, analyzing and very interested in helping these people restore their relationship. I honestly lose sleep over unresolved conflict.
I ended up in God's classroom tonight when I realized (again) that some people don't want restored relationships. They aren't interested in actually fixing problems or conflicts. They are cozy, comfy and could care less about having friendships with substance or depth. Conversation will not help. Confrontation would be a disaster. There is nothing I can do about it.
But I think that is exactly what the Lord wants me to learn. He is trying His best to let me know that I'm not responsible for solving every problem that comes across my path. Some things are not to be on my shoulders. I cannot and should not always be the peacemaker. Sometimes people are the way they are because they choose to be so. It has nothing to do with me. At all.
My trial of trials is when it does have to do with me or my family. Because not only do I want every problem solved and every conflict resolved...I also care deeply about what people think of me. I hate admitting it. Its embarrassing and I feel like I'm in middle school but some of my biggest struggles come from me caring what people's perception of me is. I want everyone to like me, and I want everyone to be happy. HA!!
Looks like I need to be in God's classroom more than I realized when I started typing this blog. I hope and pray I can be a good student. I'd far rather be on lunch break than in this classroom, that's for sure.
I enjoy problem solving. It is one reason I went into counseling and pastoral work. I like delving into people's lives and hearts, figuring out what the root problem (or problems) are, and then giving them tools, counsel, prayer, correction...whatever it takes to see the problem solved.
One large aspect of problem solving is being a peacemaker. I live for peace. I thrive in atmospheres where there is harmony, peace, laughter, healthy friendships etc. Throw me into a situation where people are at odds with each other and I'm sitting in the corner observing, analyzing and very interested in helping these people restore their relationship. I honestly lose sleep over unresolved conflict.
I ended up in God's classroom tonight when I realized (again) that some people don't want restored relationships. They aren't interested in actually fixing problems or conflicts. They are cozy, comfy and could care less about having friendships with substance or depth. Conversation will not help. Confrontation would be a disaster. There is nothing I can do about it.
But I think that is exactly what the Lord wants me to learn. He is trying His best to let me know that I'm not responsible for solving every problem that comes across my path. Some things are not to be on my shoulders. I cannot and should not always be the peacemaker. Sometimes people are the way they are because they choose to be so. It has nothing to do with me. At all.
My trial of trials is when it does have to do with me or my family. Because not only do I want every problem solved and every conflict resolved...I also care deeply about what people think of me. I hate admitting it. Its embarrassing and I feel like I'm in middle school but some of my biggest struggles come from me caring what people's perception of me is. I want everyone to like me, and I want everyone to be happy. HA!!
Looks like I need to be in God's classroom more than I realized when I started typing this blog. I hope and pray I can be a good student. I'd far rather be on lunch break than in this classroom, that's for sure.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Kindness
I have one Scripture on my mind tonight. The one that says it's God's kindness that leads us to repentance (Rom. 2:4).
I'm struck by how incredibly true this Scripture has been for me throughout my life. I'm not one that responds well to harsh punishment. In fact, I don't know of many who do. Kindness when given properly can be very sufficient in bringing about discipline.
The Lord has showered me with His love and kindness over and over throughout my life. Just tonight I was asking His forgiveness for something I did last night and He brought the life of Abraham to my mind. I remembered that Abe didn't always do things right, and there were consequences to what he did...but God continued to bless him, giving Abe everything He had ever promised.
My dream of dreams is that I can model this in my parenting of George. Yes, I'll provide boundaries and consequences if boundaries are crossed. Of course I will because I love him. I love him more than I love myself. But in the giving of discipline, in the training I'll provide for him, my prayer is that I'm consistent in kindness.
I have been given grace, mercy and unending kindness from my King. To whom much is given much is required. I pray that I will funnel grace, mercy and kindness right on through to my son. Because I know that is what will get the attention and affection of his heart...just like it got mine.
I'm struck by how incredibly true this Scripture has been for me throughout my life. I'm not one that responds well to harsh punishment. In fact, I don't know of many who do. Kindness when given properly can be very sufficient in bringing about discipline.
The Lord has showered me with His love and kindness over and over throughout my life. Just tonight I was asking His forgiveness for something I did last night and He brought the life of Abraham to my mind. I remembered that Abe didn't always do things right, and there were consequences to what he did...but God continued to bless him, giving Abe everything He had ever promised.
My dream of dreams is that I can model this in my parenting of George. Yes, I'll provide boundaries and consequences if boundaries are crossed. Of course I will because I love him. I love him more than I love myself. But in the giving of discipline, in the training I'll provide for him, my prayer is that I'm consistent in kindness.
I have been given grace, mercy and unending kindness from my King. To whom much is given much is required. I pray that I will funnel grace, mercy and kindness right on through to my son. Because I know that is what will get the attention and affection of his heart...just like it got mine.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
A Different Storm
I am NOT in love with storms. I am not enjoying tonight's weather and I'm dreading trying to sleep with the sound of the wind outside. Yuck. I'm not technically afraid, but I am definitely uncomfortable.
For some reason, the weather is reminding me of a different storm I was in about 2 1/2+ years ago.
We had been trying to get pregnant for a long while and with each month I was getting more sorrowful. There were only 1 or 2 people who knew the depth of the emotions I was trying to handle, and I didn't even tell Shane much because he had his own burdens to bear without trying to carry mine too.
One month it was almost too much for me to bear. I told Shane and Chase (who lived with us at the time) that I needed to go for a drive. I didn't say why. It was pouring rain and windy, but I drove to the waterfront where Shane first told me he loved me (after only knowing me 6 weeks the rascal). I sat there and cried and cried. I didn't pray, I didn't speak. I just wept. And it was bitter. Anyone who wants children yet has had to face the prospect of barrenness knows what those tears are. Each tear is absolutely loaded with emotions, fears, doubts, anger, helplessness etc.
After sitting there for quite some time I drove to Pt. Defiance and meandered through the 5 mile drive. Whenever my tears got to be too much I would stop at a viewpoint and cry some more. But by this time I was talking. And praying. And yelling. And letting God know that I had reached the end. I told Him I absolutely couldn't take another month of an empty womb. I reminded Him of how incredibly healing it would be for Shane. I screamed at Him that I wanted to hand a baby to my parents and see their joy. I listed the people praying for us. On and on I ranted and raved. When I had nothing else to say, I drove to Owen Beach and got out. I silently walked down the beach in the rain and wind.
And then the storm started to lift. Believe me, it wasn't like some movie where the clouds part and rays of sunshine suddenly burst out and all my cares were gone. But the storm shifted enough that I lifted my eyes up from the sand, and looked to the horizon and the islands up and down the Puget Sound.
That's when down deep in my knower (in my heart of hearts) I heard a little whisper. It said, "There is still the scent of water. There is still hope." I knew what that meant (see Scripture at the bottom of this blog). I remember standing there gazing out over the water for a very long time. And I made a choice. I chose hope. I chose to run to the Prince of Peace and let Him carry my burden...He is the only one Who could.
I walked back to my car and came across a funny looking stick. Chase was really into guns at this time, and the stick was shaped just like a rifle. As I picked it up its like a fog lifted and I realized...I already had a son. In fact I had 3 sons. (At that time only Caleb wasn't in contact with us) And God picked me for them.
I took that stick home to Chase and hugged him and thanked him for letting me be part of his life. And I decided then and there, whether or not I ever had a child from my womb, I would still be a mother. I would mother any child/youth that came across my path and needed one. Because I had smelled the scent of water and my storm was now quite different.
"There is hope for a tree, when it is cut down, that it will sprout again. Its shoots will not fail. Though its roots grow old in the ground and its stump dies in the dry soil, at the scent of water it will flourish and put forth sprigs like a plant." Job 14:7-9
For some reason, the weather is reminding me of a different storm I was in about 2 1/2+ years ago.
We had been trying to get pregnant for a long while and with each month I was getting more sorrowful. There were only 1 or 2 people who knew the depth of the emotions I was trying to handle, and I didn't even tell Shane much because he had his own burdens to bear without trying to carry mine too.
One month it was almost too much for me to bear. I told Shane and Chase (who lived with us at the time) that I needed to go for a drive. I didn't say why. It was pouring rain and windy, but I drove to the waterfront where Shane first told me he loved me (after only knowing me 6 weeks the rascal). I sat there and cried and cried. I didn't pray, I didn't speak. I just wept. And it was bitter. Anyone who wants children yet has had to face the prospect of barrenness knows what those tears are. Each tear is absolutely loaded with emotions, fears, doubts, anger, helplessness etc.
After sitting there for quite some time I drove to Pt. Defiance and meandered through the 5 mile drive. Whenever my tears got to be too much I would stop at a viewpoint and cry some more. But by this time I was talking. And praying. And yelling. And letting God know that I had reached the end. I told Him I absolutely couldn't take another month of an empty womb. I reminded Him of how incredibly healing it would be for Shane. I screamed at Him that I wanted to hand a baby to my parents and see their joy. I listed the people praying for us. On and on I ranted and raved. When I had nothing else to say, I drove to Owen Beach and got out. I silently walked down the beach in the rain and wind.
And then the storm started to lift. Believe me, it wasn't like some movie where the clouds part and rays of sunshine suddenly burst out and all my cares were gone. But the storm shifted enough that I lifted my eyes up from the sand, and looked to the horizon and the islands up and down the Puget Sound.
That's when down deep in my knower (in my heart of hearts) I heard a little whisper. It said, "There is still the scent of water. There is still hope." I knew what that meant (see Scripture at the bottom of this blog). I remember standing there gazing out over the water for a very long time. And I made a choice. I chose hope. I chose to run to the Prince of Peace and let Him carry my burden...He is the only one Who could.
I walked back to my car and came across a funny looking stick. Chase was really into guns at this time, and the stick was shaped just like a rifle. As I picked it up its like a fog lifted and I realized...I already had a son. In fact I had 3 sons. (At that time only Caleb wasn't in contact with us) And God picked me for them.
I took that stick home to Chase and hugged him and thanked him for letting me be part of his life. And I decided then and there, whether or not I ever had a child from my womb, I would still be a mother. I would mother any child/youth that came across my path and needed one. Because I had smelled the scent of water and my storm was now quite different.
"There is hope for a tree, when it is cut down, that it will sprout again. Its shoots will not fail. Though its roots grow old in the ground and its stump dies in the dry soil, at the scent of water it will flourish and put forth sprigs like a plant." Job 14:7-9
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Pursuing The Dip
This morning when I looked out the window I knew what must be done.
After my morning routine with George (get him up, play play play, feed breakfast, play, then put down for a 30 minute nap), I woke Shane up and told him the facts: We were going to run to Fred Meyer so I could get my Zesty Guacamole dip. I don't think it was his dream to run there so I offered a compromise. I could run to Fred Meyer and he and George could drive, meet me, let me hand off the Zesty Guacamole dip, they could leave and I'd run back home.
But, much to Shane's credit, when he walked outside with George and me later he decided to run too. It was just too beautiful outside to miss a good run. This is the longest run for us so far. It is a little under 3 miles each way. It was hard, it was a super workout but I could hear that Zesty Guacamole calling me each step of the way.
When we were in the checkout line (with that dip in hand finally!) I saw an advertisement for a book. It was written by a popular "Christian" author and part of the tag line said something to the effect of, "If you read this book you'll be super duper successful and God will favor you more."
It hit me wrong. I'm not a fan of the be a super-duper-successful, rich, happy, never sick, never depressed Christian message that is really prevalent today. I'm not a fan at all. I think I've traveled too much of the world (third world countries), been a Christian long enough, AND read the Bible enough to throw that message out where it belongs.
All day I've been thinking about this question: What could I do so God would favor me more?
Could I pray more?
Read the Bible more?
Give of my time, talents and money more?
Could I go to every single church service possible?
Could I write more curriculum, teach more, preach more, counsel more....all the things I did as an associate pastor for 8 years...could I do that more?
Could I be skinnier? Healthier?
More positive, more upbeat, more energetic?
I'm sure I could have more faith, more of the fruit of the Spirit, less works of the flesh.
However...none of that will increase his favor on my life. I'm favored simply because I'm adopted into His Family. I'm part of His Kingdom. I've accepted that I'm nothing and He is everything. I've realized that the best thing I can possibly do is understand His finished work on the cross...and just rest in it.
Enough guilt. Enough shame. Enough backward glances and regrets. Just like I went the extra (6) mile(s) to get my Zesty Guacamole dip today, I am going to go the extra mile to rest in His love and His favor. And I'm going to enjoy it...every delicious bit of it!
After my morning routine with George (get him up, play play play, feed breakfast, play, then put down for a 30 minute nap), I woke Shane up and told him the facts: We were going to run to Fred Meyer so I could get my Zesty Guacamole dip. I don't think it was his dream to run there so I offered a compromise. I could run to Fred Meyer and he and George could drive, meet me, let me hand off the Zesty Guacamole dip, they could leave and I'd run back home.
But, much to Shane's credit, when he walked outside with George and me later he decided to run too. It was just too beautiful outside to miss a good run. This is the longest run for us so far. It is a little under 3 miles each way. It was hard, it was a super workout but I could hear that Zesty Guacamole calling me each step of the way.
When we were in the checkout line (with that dip in hand finally!) I saw an advertisement for a book. It was written by a popular "Christian" author and part of the tag line said something to the effect of, "If you read this book you'll be super duper successful and God will favor you more."
It hit me wrong. I'm not a fan of the be a super-duper-successful, rich, happy, never sick, never depressed Christian message that is really prevalent today. I'm not a fan at all. I think I've traveled too much of the world (third world countries), been a Christian long enough, AND read the Bible enough to throw that message out where it belongs.
All day I've been thinking about this question: What could I do so God would favor me more?
Could I pray more?
Read the Bible more?
Give of my time, talents and money more?
Could I go to every single church service possible?
Could I write more curriculum, teach more, preach more, counsel more....all the things I did as an associate pastor for 8 years...could I do that more?
Could I be skinnier? Healthier?
More positive, more upbeat, more energetic?
I'm sure I could have more faith, more of the fruit of the Spirit, less works of the flesh.
However...none of that will increase his favor on my life. I'm favored simply because I'm adopted into His Family. I'm part of His Kingdom. I've accepted that I'm nothing and He is everything. I've realized that the best thing I can possibly do is understand His finished work on the cross...and just rest in it.
Enough guilt. Enough shame. Enough backward glances and regrets. Just like I went the extra (6) mile(s) to get my Zesty Guacamole dip today, I am going to go the extra mile to rest in His love and His favor. And I'm going to enjoy it...every delicious bit of it!
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Partnership
George didn't sleep well last night. He was up from 11:00 until probably 3ish and it was frustrating for me. I tried everything I knew how to do, and when Shane came home at 1:30 I was still trying. So he tried for a bit, then I felt guilty because he had just worked a full shift so I took over again. Then we were up at 5:30, gave him a bottle, back to sleep by 6...needless to say it wasn't my favorite night of all time.
The issue isn't just lack of sleep. It is that frustration that comes with not knowing exactly what to do, and also realizing that this little person is not getting rest either and you're going to have a rough day the next day.
When I heard Shane get him this morning around 8, I breathed a huge sigh of relief and went back to sleep for quite some time. When I finally came downstairs, Shane was incredibly gentle and kind. Who knows what I looked like and I felt just horrible. He had coffee made, dishwasher emptied, George was fed and happily playing and most of all, Shane was loving and understanding. I'm sure he was exhausted too, but he didn't say that he was...which actually spoke louder to me than if he had.
What he did say was, "We have a baby! I'm not worried about it. Its just the season we are in." Those few words helped me get my perspective back. One bad night doesn't mean my son will have ADHD and horrible sleep problems his whole life.
I took George with me to run some errands which ended up being rather ridiculous. He was great! But my bank couldn't figure out why my debit card wouldn't work and after 30 or 45 minutes of them not figuring it out, and George about to climb the walls, they finally fixed it. I then went to Safeway and was going to reward myself with all the fixings for delicious tostadas. But I couldn't find the guacamole (the real reason I wanted tostadas was for the dripping, delicious zesty guacamole dip). I think I wandered that #$%^ store for at least 45 extra minutes only to realize there is no zesty guacamole dip.
It seems kind of laughable now, but at the time I was completely starving, exhausted, frustrated and probably out of my mind because I bought George a box of toddler cookies (I still can't believe I did it) and helped him eat quite a bit of it as we searched frantically for zesty guacamole dip for 45 minutes.
When I finally got home, there was Shane again. Patient, loving, caring and having enough wits about him not to laugh at me or tease me at that moment.
I've been given a great partner to walk through this life with. All that I wrote above is just everyday, ordinary things for a stay at home mom with a 13 month old son. What is extraordinary is a man who knows how to be the best life partner and husband in the world...yet not have to say a word about it. His actions spoke louder than words today. I am so grateful.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Treasures
George is becoming more affectionate. He's always been a cuddler, hugger kinda guy but I'm noticing a little change. He's beginning to initiate things. Instead of waiting for me to say, "Can you give Dada a kiss?" He is starting to go for it on his own.
Tonight I was given another treasure from this little man.
I was rocking him to sleep at his 2nd nap and singing like I always do. I have this funny repertoire of songs that I go through each time. I start with Keith Green's version of Ps. 23 (which I've sang to him about 3 times a day since he was born...not sure why it just was in my spirit when he was born I guess). Then I go to an old Vineyard song "All Who Are Thirsty". Then I meander to whatever comes to mind next. Most of the time they are oldies that I sang at a family camp I went to every summer with a ministry called World MAP. Lots of times my mind wanders as I'm singing to him and I'm thinking of things that the song brings to my remembrance, or I'm worshiping the Lord and spending some time with Him.
I was singing "Holy And Anointed One" when I realized George was almost asleep but wanting to give me a kiss. I of course didn't argue and let him kiss me. Then a few minutes later he again put his sweet face to mine and gave me a kiss. He wasn't playing or messing around, he was drowsy and nearly sleeping so I started paying attention to what I was singing. I went through the song again and when I got to the very end, the little sweetheart again gave me a kiss. His cue was the phrase, "Jesus, I love you, I love you."
It brought tears to my eyes when I realized what he was doing. I tested it again tonight and the exact same thing happened.
Like I've written before, I'm trying to hear the voice of the Lord during the day in the ordinary places. I'm pretty sure He is letting me know how precious in His sight are these little ones. And how precious it is to Him when we take time out to worship and honor Him from our own homes, during our own time, when we're doing our own thing.
And of course, He was probably telling me once again that I've got a special little fella on my hands. A little worshiper who will love the Lord with all his heart, soul, mind and strength...which is what I pray over him every day.
Tonight I was given another treasure from this little man.
I was rocking him to sleep at his 2nd nap and singing like I always do. I have this funny repertoire of songs that I go through each time. I start with Keith Green's version of Ps. 23 (which I've sang to him about 3 times a day since he was born...not sure why it just was in my spirit when he was born I guess). Then I go to an old Vineyard song "All Who Are Thirsty". Then I meander to whatever comes to mind next. Most of the time they are oldies that I sang at a family camp I went to every summer with a ministry called World MAP. Lots of times my mind wanders as I'm singing to him and I'm thinking of things that the song brings to my remembrance, or I'm worshiping the Lord and spending some time with Him.
I was singing "Holy And Anointed One" when I realized George was almost asleep but wanting to give me a kiss. I of course didn't argue and let him kiss me. Then a few minutes later he again put his sweet face to mine and gave me a kiss. He wasn't playing or messing around, he was drowsy and nearly sleeping so I started paying attention to what I was singing. I went through the song again and when I got to the very end, the little sweetheart again gave me a kiss. His cue was the phrase, "Jesus, I love you, I love you."
It brought tears to my eyes when I realized what he was doing. I tested it again tonight and the exact same thing happened.
Like I've written before, I'm trying to hear the voice of the Lord during the day in the ordinary places. I'm pretty sure He is letting me know how precious in His sight are these little ones. And how precious it is to Him when we take time out to worship and honor Him from our own homes, during our own time, when we're doing our own thing.
And of course, He was probably telling me once again that I've got a special little fella on my hands. A little worshiper who will love the Lord with all his heart, soul, mind and strength...which is what I pray over him every day.
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